Archive Page 5

24
Jul
24

Build him a Statue

By Bucktown 2 Comments
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I’m mad today. I could write ten blogs with all that has happened, but sitting down to put the events of the day into written words reminds me to let go. I say it all the time in these short stories asking all of you to set down the anchors of anger you are carrying, but here I brought one home with me. I promise by the time this blog is over so will my anger. I will share with you though because keeping things inside is the largest cause of becoming weighted down.

I went to the doctor today and have a clean bill of health. Kidney is out. Infection is gone. I feel better than I have in 15 years. If I wrote it all out in detail only 3 of you would actually read it all, but after a very very hard battle I am relatively healthy. Missing a kidney and I’m 45 years young, but the doctor said I look amazing. I agree.

Leaving the doctors office I played with Annie for over an hour and then went to get into my van. I waited as a guy backed into the spot next to mine. This particular doctors office is always busy. Very busy. For some reason the parking garage only has 4 blue man spots and most times when I go there they are full so I park way up in no man land. I don’t care about that. Today I got one of the 4. The guy I waited for was about 25 years old, jumped out of his car, made sure to not make eye contact with me, and then jogged towards the entrance. Not on my watch. I yelled out “Hey, you forgot your placard!!” He turned around and started saying “My Mom, and this and that”, but I wasn’t having it. I called him out.

He called me a “Beach Butt N-word” (I’m sure you can decipher) along with saying I don’t care if you’re in a wheelchair. I promise at no point was I scared of him. I could see his eyes and he was no tough guy. I laughed and said “The only Beach Butt is you not being able to walk an extra 100 feet”. He jumped in his car and drove away because a crowd was starting to form at this point. I got in my van and left about 5-10 minutes later. I saw him waiting for me across the street in another parking lot and sure enough he pulled behind me. Once he was able to pulled up next to me, threw a cup of ice at me, and then in an exceptional show of strength threw the paper cup at me. Well my van. That is scratched up from years of wheelchair in and out. He really showed me.

F him. F anyone that parks illegally in a blue man spot. One minute after he left an elderly couple used that spot and an old man using a walker went towards the entrance. I don’t regret for a second speaking up for what is right. I only hope that others do the same. A-holes like this guy act this way because they can. I say who cares who is president. We can make our communities kind again. Speak up. There are WAY MORE of us good people than jerks in the world. We have to stop letting anyone get away with behavior like this because it usually only takes one embarrassment to learn a lesson. I hope he tells everyone the story about how a guy in a wheelchair called him out so he waited 10 minutes to throw ice at his car. I bet they will build statues of this guy.

I won’t be afraid. I won’t be bullied. I WILL speak up.

FknBucky

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P.S. I’m not angry anymore. Ha. Bet you forgot about that.

23
Jul
24

I wish I was your lover

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DAMN! I wish I was your lover…..

What a song. Brought back some great memories the other day from a time that seems like yesterday, but I realize it was almost 30 years ago. Some of the girls I went to school with would say “Damn” and then I would sing (very very poorly) the “wish I was your lover” part. It became a thing and truth be told I’m not sure how it started. I think it was because I had a huge crush on one of them, but some secrets are meant to be kept…..

Grandpa was right. Go read a few blogs back if you don’t know the reference. I’m happy for those moments, those times when a song comes on the radio and I’m immediately transported back to a particular night or memory that makes me smile. I’m lucky enough to still have a memory after my 20’s so I count that in the blessing column for sure. We all have bad moments in life and that is perfectly natural so embrace them. Understand that they will pass. This year has been a freaking crazy one for me, but seeing a post on FB about a song melted all the hardship away in a moment. I smiled and life was good again.

A song on the radio. A car driving by. A shirt you see. An old picture in a box you find. A city. I have all of these things and more that remind me of amazing moments I’ve had in life. It isn’t luck they happened, these moments were made possible by showing up to the party, saying yes to that voice in my head, and simply putting myself out there. It is important to encourage the kids around you (your own kids, nieces and nephews, step kids, random D-Bag kid that keeps walking on your yard) to take the chances needed to make these special memories. We all see what happens when kids are isolated.

Sanitarium by Metallica and Damn, I wish I was your lover (kinda forgot about that one….). Chevy Lumina (couple of them). Obviously seeing anyone in a FknBucky shirt!! I have hundreds of pictures in boxes. ROME. These are just some of the special memories that I keep in my head to make me smile when I need it the most. When you have a tough time happening take a minute to go back to one of your special moments and simply smile. I promise whatever hardship won’t seem so hard when you look back at it.

FknBucky

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19
Jul
24

That one thing

By Bucktown Leave a Comment
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Short, tall, rich, poor, white, black, American, Brazilian, or anything else you can think of to describe what we all are. They are simply labels, but the truth when it is broken down, we are all humans. Democrat, Republican, Independent, or whatever party you choose to be a part of again we are the same. Only our minds are different. That thing inside your head that grows with you year after year. Each experience you have makes a notch in it creating who you are right now. Somewhere along the way a person cared enough about you to make sure you learned how to read otherwise you would be playing candy crush level 4,384 instead of reading this blog. You should call and thank them.

I have a point to this so hang on. People with less actually are able to appreciate the topic I’m writing about. The thing we all have regardless of who we vote for. The thing that so many humans forget to appreciate on a daily basis. We spend each day chasing a dollar, working for the man, being annoyed by those around us, and forgetting the best thing in each of us. What could that be? Simple and it is only one word. Blessings.

We all have them. Are you dry? Cool?? Do you have something to eat today?? It may not be steak and lobster, but if you have a full belly then you are blessed. You may not have a 23 bedroom mansion, but are you in the rain?? I don’t have air conditioning Bucky. Hmmmm. Do you have a fan? Blessing. I don’t have a fan Bucky. Hmmm. Got a window?? If the answer is no then you’re in jail. If you’re in jail stop wasting time reading this and go get a book. Start with this one. How to stop committing crimes for Dumbasses.

I wasn’t going to write this evening, but Annie kept shoving this darn football onto my lap. I was annoyed with her, but then it hit me that instead of annoyed I should feel blessed she wants to hang out with me. Instead of being annoyed with your family after a long week remember how blessed you are to have them. Close your eyes, imagine life without them, take ownership of that feeling, and then remember it every time you begin to be annoyed.

It is proven that people in poor countries are genuinely happier simply because they haven’t been tainted with all the BS some of us have been. They don’t compare their life with a fake family on TV. Instead they care about each other and appreciate the things they do have. I make a point to do that everyday, I always feel better about what I have today, and it reminds me to appreciate everyone I’ve met along the way. Thank you to everyone that has blessed my life.

Feel blessed right now. Be a shame to not be happy with a full belly.

FknBucky

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18
Jul
24

stick

By Bucktown Leave a Comment
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Scott Wood Photo (Amazing)

Beauty. Funny word. Means many different things to just about everyone. What is beautiful to you?? A view? A woman? A man? A car? Truck? An experience? All of them? For me it is very simple. A look in the mirror. I’m one beautiful human. Life hasn’t been an easy path for me and it hasn’t been for you either, but we all must work at keeping our confidence. If you don’t work at it who will do it for you? I promise the world will only try to kill your confidence not help grow it. Surround yourself with people that only have your best interest in mind or life becomes unnecessarily harder.

I was playing frisbee with Annie the other day and saw a walking stick crawling across the cement floor of this little shack we use for shade at the park. I can’t remember ever seeing one in the “wild” before, but I was enamored with it. Maybe I was jealous of that darn stick that can walk…. Haha It was gorgeous and I couldn’t stop watching it slowly crawl across the floor to nowhere. Just endless cement, but it didn’t know that because it could only see/sense what is right in front of it. I could see the path he was traveling was a futile one so I kept trying to steer it another way, but that darn stubborn stick fought me no matter what I did. I remember thinking this must be how God or Big Bang Theory feels watching me live my life.

Sometimes the most inspirational things are complete surprises to us, but we must be patient enough to see them. Learning to me is beautiful. I simply love to learn anything new and watching that bug taught me lessons I had no idea I needed when I woke up that morning. I moved it off the cement into some rocks, but then thought it was a stick not a rock so that was no good. I grabbed a twig and it crawled onto it almost immediately so I rolled about 50 feet away into some wood chips. I found a small tree, put that walking stick onto a branch, and watched it for a couple minutes. It only took about 30 seconds for uncoordinated idiot to fall off. Kind of like me.

It didn’t hit the ground though. A small strand of something came out of its butt, it hung about 4 inches from the branch, and I was about to “save” it when something remarkable happened. It started to climb up this string that came out of it. As it blew around in the wind that darn bug got closer and closer to the branch I put it on until it made it back to safety. I had been in awe of this creature for 20 minutes and thought it had no more beauty to see, but like many times in my life I was wrong.

There is more beauty inside yourself if you just take the time to see it. Once you can see it, then and only then, can the world see it.

FknBucky

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17
Jul
24

Americans

By Bucktown 1 Comment
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Most of us that read this blog are Americans. I have readers all over the world actually and I love everyone of you. I listened to someone talking about everyone coming together after the failed Trump assassination who repeatedly said that America is the greatest country in the world. It made me wonder if people in Moldova are like “We are the 47th greatest country in the world!!” Some guy in Uzbekistan screaming to a crowd “When I was elected we were the 107th greatest country in the world and now we are 102!!! Suck it TrapZisteianistan!!!” I would literally fly there and pay to watch that.

Jokes aside. I have friends of all flavors. We argue at times. We disagree about some things. Not my fault though. Some of them still think women should vote. I know right. What can you do. We can laugh in America. We have the freedom to do so because brave, VERY BRAVE men and women died so that we could have that luxury. I for one will never forget or take my freedoms for granted. What happened on Saturday can not happen here. We are looked upon by others in the world as something to strive to, a place people want to try to be like, and for many out there simply knowing it exists makes the planet a better place. If America fails the world fails.

R or D. They mean nothing. There are 24 other letters. We need them all to spell TrapZisteianistan. Haha. Thought I forgot about them. Seriously though it takes everyone to make us the greatest country in the world. All colors, all sexes, all sexuality, all strengths, all personalities, born here, immigrated here, all incomes, and most importantly all abilities. We all play a role. That role can only be played with love. Hate and anger have no place. The moment anyone compares anyone to Hitler walk away. That conversation is over. There was only one Hitler and he was truly evil. Never fall for stupid arguments and don’t waste the energy. You are loved and welcome to vote however you want in America.

I’ve said this before “you can’t out hate someone.” You can only overcome hate with love and kindness. If someone hates you simply because of skin color, sexual preference, gender, or ______________ the best way to change that is to become the greatest person you can, one of character, substance, and love so they MUST respect you. That is how you change the world. I promise you don’t change anyone by an act of violence. Unless they earn a punch in the face for talking BS. I’m still okay with that.

Love yourself and each other.

FknBucky

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13
Jul
24

into the deep

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Happy Saturday. One heck of a year. This one won’t be forgotten so quickly by me. Crazy how fast they go by. I sat with my Grandfather when I was around 16 years old and we were talking about him turning 80 years old. He was very easy to talk to, but the conversations rarely got into the “deep” territory where true feelings were expressed. That is the only way I can describe it, but hopefully most of you will know what I mean. Oddly enough many years later I would talk with my Grandmother after Pa passed away and those conversations were almost always “deep” making our relationship very strong. Anyway

Talking with Pa that day he said something to me. He said “I remember being your age, then I blinked, and now I’m 80.” His voice trailed off at the end and he seemed to gaze at something not in the room, not in the field out of the window, not anywhere, but inside his mind. He was looking at his life. The timeline he created in 80 years and how quickly happened. Thing is I could see it. While he stared at it, I stared at him soaking in those words he had just said. I heard the message loud and clear that day. Enjoy it, don’t waste it, do right in it because the ride is short, and no matter how many tickets you acquire there is no do overs. You can’t buy another turn.

I died in early May. Died. My doctor told me if I wasn’t such a tough SOB I would certainly be dead. Let that soak in. I’m 45. I don’t want my ride to end. Whatever age you are go do that thing you dream about. What the F are you waiting for?? I have friends I haven’t seen in over a decade that mean the world to me. I can’t understand how that much time has gone by. I used to see some of these friends every single day and we swore life would never get that busy we’d let forever go by. It almost did. Instead of reading this you could be telling a story about some dumb crap I did one night. Plenty of those to choose from, but maybe one day people will talk about something wise I said that helped change their life. Maybe that can be today. Life is short.

People say it all the time, but you don’t hear them. You buy your 12 pack, drive home drinking the first one, and then drink the rest while complaining to your neighbor how you never get the opportunities other people do. Hmmm. They are at home reading books and making themselves better every night. Wanna travel, go! Wanna make more money, learn. Wanna have a family, stop doing anal. Ha. The world is there for the taking.

It won’t be easy. Making changes rarely is, but remember someday soon you will be 80 and it will be your turn to gaze out. What will you see?? What will be on that timeline??

FknBucky

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Just a couple pics from my timeline:

07
Jul
24

The light (the dark -part 2)

By Bucktown 1 Comment
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Yesterday I talked about being the “dark”, a place that I go alone when I’m angry and feel cheated by life. Truth is I’m not cheated by anything. I chose to ride a motorcycle 22 years ago in horrible conditions when I wasn’t experienced enough to be doing so which resulted in me wrecking and becoming paralyzed. I pay for that decision 24/7 – 365 and will do so for the rest of my life no matter what happens. Prison isn’t even that harsh, my sentence was instant with no jury, and I have zero chance at parole. I accept all of that because it simply is the reality I have.

I didn’t plan to say all that, but it just came out. I just type what my brain thinks and that that is what you get to read when I post these. When I’m in the “dark” as I call it I don’t spend the time sitting in a corner feeling sorry for myself. I simply can’t and you shouldn’t either. I work. I spent time cleaning my bedroom, bathroom, and living room this past weekend while being very aware of how much time I was up in my wheelchair. The pressure sore dictates that, but I also swapped out my cushion for a heavier, but much better one for skin care which I should have done 4 weeks ago, but I never thought about it. Again I accept responsibility for the problems I face.

Blaming nurses, doctors, or the hospital in my case only leads to anger and frustration which makes solving my hardship nearly impossible. You can always find someone to point the finger at. How many problems do you solve while angry??? Well besides silencing a crap talker. Man I miss punching deserving people in the face. You can also go to a punk rock shows for 2 hours of mosh pit madness to release a lot of aggression. One time we actually fought the band once at the Ogden in Denver. That was an awesome show I saw with two Daves, a Skot, and Uncle John Jameson. Anyway. Violence is bad or something.

Here is the ultimate point. Do something. Keep moving no matter how slow it is. I fixed my wheelchair while in bed leaning to the side staying off my skin. I could have been crying, cursing (still was just at the chair instead of God and Big Bang Theory), or trying to ruin other people’s weekend because I was having a hard time. That would have been completely pointless and stupid. I have wanted to fix a bracket on my chair for months, but couldn’t find or make the time. It took me HOURS, but I finally got it perfect and makes I’m so darn happy. I didn’t plan that. It just became because I just kept doing.

The light doesn’t just show up. Nope. There is always work involved. Luckily I learned as a kid that work was good, setbacks are normal, and I had to rely on myself before crying to others. If you work even a tiny tiny bit the light will come. The strength will come. Each time the strength grows. The confidence grows. The happiness grows. Wait for it….. YOU GROW!!

FknBucky

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06
Jul
24

The dark

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What do we do when the mood is less than great?? When we don’t have a perfect photo to put up on IG or X?? When our friends are doing something cooler than we are??? When our health is hurting and it affects the happiness we wish we could find for the day?? The world tells us to make lemonade. We are told to suck it up and get back out there. FknBucky writes often about finding ways to make other people smile because that smile will come back. Today Bucky says sometimes you have to embrace the dark.

I’m not telling anyone to embrace depression and stay there. That is a very bad idea, but sometimes you have to experience the dark to remember how much you love being in the light. Nobody is “UP” all of the time, no matter how much cocaine you do. Just ask Elmo. My kidney was so infected it killed me the first week of May. I’m used to almost dying so I don’t have the “I’m going to live like no tomorrow BS” anymore and truthfully always have, but it is a good reminder to keep chasing my goals. I had that jerk kidney taken out a couple weeks ago. I was so hopeful for sunny skies and to be back after it again that I had a list of things to get after. Instead life kicked me in the nuts and the face just in case I didn’t get the message. I discovered a pressure sore on my butt.

My happiness deflated instantly. My family all had great plans for this weekend, but not me. I’m still healing from the kidney surgery with literal open wounds and now this pressure sore. I don’t want to say I was in “poor me” area, but more of an “Eff everyone else” area. My phone went to VM (I don’t listen to them FYI) and I had a couple pissed off days. I needed to accept this in my mind, formulate a plan to fix my problems, and then come out with a true I will over come this attitude. I will get this to heal and accepted my role in allowing it to happen. We all have to understand that spending some time in the darkness even on 4th of July weekend if needed be isn’t a bad thing.

This isn’t an easy thing to share, but I promised to be honest with everyone that reads this. I don’t share to hear the comments of “you can do it, you got this, or the stay strong”….. While those are not bad and needed sometimes, I’d rather hear/see “me too Bucky, I understand this, and glad I’m not alone” so that others can feel safe embracing the dark, but remember to not get lost there. You must come back out into the light and trust me you will feel stronger and refreshed. Being depressed/angry at hard times is natural, but those feelings will never solve the hard times. For that you need positivity, strength, and loved ones around you.

FknBucky

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There will be a part 2 tomorrow. Trying to keep the blogs shorter.

Remember to share this for others that might need to hear it.

30
Jun
24

Same Caramel Different Day

By Bucktown 1 Comment
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ZERO fat???? I asked. “Yes” was the reply. I had just mixed up my scrambled eggs up with butter, bacon, and love. I didn’t even get one bite when the doctor came in and looked at my kidney drain. Not one bite. The drain was cloudy. Cloudy is bad.

I

If I wanted to go home I had to commit to a zero fat diet for two weeks. Not idea what that entailed, but what the heck, I wanted to sleep in my own bed so I agreed. How hard could it be?? Turns out there is fat in Häagen Dazs. The world hates me is my only conclusion. All the things I love have fat in them.

My sister helped clear out the bad and shopped for the healthy before she picked me up to take me back to the apartment. I’m lucky to have a great group of family and friends. I spent yesterday cleaning and organizing my bedroom. You see the last five plus years have been insanely hard on me due to this darn infection, but I couldn’t see it. My energy went down, my pain went up, and life in general slowly began to downgrade allowing my world to descend into chaos. Fancy way to say my home is a mess.

While organizing and cleaning my bedroom I found something the sister missed. A large piece of caramel I bought a few days ago while at the the mall. You know the candy store by the door with insanely yummy everything.. I loaded up before surgery thinking if things go bad my corpse will be full of chocolate goodness. I lived so I was a man with way too much sugar in his system and a leftover caramel in his bedroom.

My first thought was I’m eating this M Eff’er right now. Then I remembered who I am. FknBucky? Nope. Bucky? Nope. Allen? Nope. I am a man of character and self discipline. I haven’t always won every battle in my life, but I’m not losing this one. I take a bite and it will taste amazing. After 57 hours of ZERO fat I’ve earned a little yummy. Bull$h!t. The goal to reach is two weeks.

I take that bite and all I’ll taste is guilt and failure. I’ve done that before and learned that lesson. Not this time. My character isn’t for sale. I will wait two weeks and that bite will be one of power and satisfaction. That little caramel bite will give me strength for the next battle that will surely come.

We all have it in us. Wait it out.

FknBucky

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This meme just made me laugh.

27
Jun
24

never ending stay…

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Well….. I extended my vacation by another day. Apparently they want you to crop dust the halls after stealing a kidney, but call it passing gas to sound professional until….. I said “farting” a bunch. The doctor finally loosened up her stature, but not my bowels. TMI… I know, but I promised honesty on this blog so suck it up buttercups. By the way speaking of honesty it turns out I’m not gay. That t-shirt is a liar. My friend Nuisance (see what I did there….) told me to be sweet to the nurses, but have you ever heard of a 24 hour restraining order??? Me either. Who knew asking her if she wanted to stick around and snort some of my meds with me was such a big deal…….. A couple lines of stool softener makes for one heck of a story later.

The TV is crap. The channels are 74-1, 74-2, 74-3, and on and on. I don’t know what that means. I have watched two westerns about a guy killing other guys over a woman. Both of them, but different guys dying from another guy killing them. I think the woman might be my stuck up crazy nurse. She would drive anyone to do some killing. She happens to be one that watched on as the others killed me on my last stay here. No joke there. She is sticking with the panic/anxiety story saying “Well you have anxiety when you’re dying.”

I can’t think of a truer statement. Just remember if you check out from not being able to breathe with 93% of your lung filled with fluid, it is the panic that did it. Can’t believe I was so stupid to think otherwise.

My kidney drain.

Might be yet another day. Got an issue with the kidney drain, and I’m not kidneying around.

Thank for all the prayers. Keep them coming and please share the blogs. Some of your friends might not be on my friends list and should hear my life lessons in the blogs. Be kind to others, stop holding petty grudges, and if someone makes you mad – hit them in the face.

FknBucky

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