anger | FknBucky

Posts Tagged ‘anger

Aug

FRUIT STICKER

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: anger, Apple, bad, best, cook, different, dog, fresh, Fruit, grocery, happy, Hate, kind, people, salsa, sweet, tomato, vegetable

Change. We all fear it. Even I. I love seeing and experiencing new things, but in my comfort zone I like it the same. As we get older we appreciate things more (hopefully) and with that we tend to feel safer with things we are familiar with. Don’t feel bad it is natural and in my opinion, which means nothing, normal. A a quick side note on the things I write. My opinion is mine and I share it in hopes of making others think about what THEIR opinion is. Never let people you don’t know influence your opinion because I assure you they are not thinking you. Okay now back to change. You might have some in your sofa.

I saw a news clip a few years ago that stayed with me for some reason. I think it was just so random, but it made me think which is my favorite type of stimulation. The news crew was talking to shoppers coming out of a grocery store asking this question. “Would you rather have stickers on your fruit and veggies or a laser imprint??” My first thought was NO. I don’t want no mind control crap going into my fruit and vegetables that I never eat. The man isn’t going to sneak that one by me. I’m way too smart for them.

Now I’m older and buy apples, tomatoes, and other stuff multiple times a week. I make the world’s best salsa by the way. Legit. Now I don’t care if I’m being watched by the man from my Envy apples. Did you know the more little white spots on an apple the sweeter it is? At least that is what the sign at Trader Joe’s said. I love that grocery store. Off topic again. If you chop up fresh fruit and veggies the stickers suck. I forget to take them off sometimes, you gotta dig them off with a finger nail, then you gotta stick them somewhere, and to be perfectly clear, I hate those bastards so much. Laser everything. No more eff’in stickers.

This includes people. We can meet someone that is outside our normal and think whew what a piece of work he/she is, but once we are around them more we start to see benefits of a new different friend. By different I mean someone with new crazy ideas, stories, experiences, dreams, perspectives, and love. Try to remember that change slash new isn’t always bad, but an opportunity to that might make things easier and more fun. I’ve found no matter where someone comes from, no matter what they look like, who they sleep with, how they got to me, I can make them smile. I’m pretty amazing like that.

The world is pretty eff’in awesome and full of many different fruits and vegetables. I believe it would be a real shame to not at least try all of them at least once.

Be kind to each other and do random acts of kindness expecting nothing in return.

FknBucky

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Jul

I wish I was your lover

By Bucktown Leave a Comment

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: amazing, anger, bad, city, Crush, damn, dog, family, Hard, Hate, Life, love, Lvoer, Memories, Memory, metallica, moment, music, rome, sad, ship, smile, travel

DAMN! I wish I was your lover…..

What a song. Brought back some great memories the other day from a time that seems like yesterday, but I realize it was almost 30 years ago. Some of the girls I went to school with would say “Damn” and then I would sing (very very poorly) the “wish I was your lover” part. It became a thing and truth be told I’m not sure how it started. I think it was because I had a huge crush on one of them, but some secrets are meant to be kept…..

Grandpa was right. Go read a few blogs back if you don’t know the reference. I’m happy for those moments, those times when a song comes on the radio and I’m immediately transported back to a particular night or memory that makes me smile. I’m lucky enough to still have a memory after my 20’s so I count that in the blessing column for sure. We all have bad moments in life and that is perfectly natural so embrace them. Understand that they will pass. This year has been a freaking crazy one for me, but seeing a post on FB about a song melted all the hardship away in a moment. I smiled and life was good again.

A song on the radio. A car driving by. A shirt you see. An old picture in a box you find. A city. I have all of these things and more that remind me of amazing moments I’ve had in life. It isn’t luck they happened, these moments were made possible by showing up to the party, saying yes to that voice in my head, and simply putting myself out there. It is important to encourage the kids around you (your own kids, nieces and nephews, step kids, random D-Bag kid that keeps walking on your yard) to take the chances needed to make these special memories. We all see what happens when kids are isolated.

Sanitarium by Metallica and Damn, I wish I was your lover (kinda forgot about that one….). Chevy Lumina (couple of them). Obviously seeing anyone in a FknBucky shirt!! I have hundreds of pictures in boxes. ROME. These are just some of the special memories that I keep in my head to make me smile when I need it the most. When you have a tough time happening take a minute to go back to one of your special moments and simply smile. I promise whatever hardship won’t seem so hard when you look back at it.

FknBucky

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Jul

That one thing

By Bucktown Leave a Comment

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: anger, bad, Biden, bless, blessings, daily, democrat, dog, family, friend, God, gold, good, gratitude, Hate, human, independent, kind, Life, love, money, republican, thank, trump, vot, vote, writing

Short, tall, rich, poor, white, black, American, Brazilian, or anything else you can think of to describe what we all are. They are simply labels, but the truth when it is broken down, we are all humans. Democrat, Republican, Independent, or whatever party you choose to be a part of again we are the same. Only our minds are different. That thing inside your head that grows with you year after year. Each experience you have makes a notch in it creating who you are right now. Somewhere along the way a person cared enough about you to make sure you learned how to read otherwise you would be playing candy crush level 4,384 instead of reading this blog. You should call and thank them.

I have a point to this so hang on. People with less actually are able to appreciate the topic I’m writing about. The thing we all have regardless of who we vote for. The thing that so many humans forget to appreciate on a daily basis. We spend each day chasing a dollar, working for the man, being annoyed by those around us, and forgetting the best thing in each of us. What could that be? Simple and it is only one word. Blessings.

We all have them. Are you dry? Cool?? Do you have something to eat today?? It may not be steak and lobster, but if you have a full belly then you are blessed. You may not have a 23 bedroom mansion, but are you in the rain?? I don’t have air conditioning Bucky. Hmmmm. Do you have a fan? Blessing. I don’t have a fan Bucky. Hmmm. Got a window?? If the answer is no then you’re in jail. If you’re in jail stop wasting time reading this and go get a book. Start with this one. How to stop committing crimes for Dumbasses.

I wasn’t going to write this evening, but Annie kept shoving this darn football onto my lap. I was annoyed with her, but then it hit me that instead of annoyed I should feel blessed she wants to hang out with me. Instead of being annoyed with your family after a long week remember how blessed you are to have them. Close your eyes, imagine life without them, take ownership of that feeling, and then remember it every time you begin to be annoyed.

It is proven that people in poor countries are genuinely happier simply because they haven’t been tainted with all the BS some of us have been. They don’t compare their life with a fake family on TV. Instead they care about each other and appreciate the things they do have. I make a point to do that everyday, I always feel better about what I have today, and it reminds me to appreciate everyone I’ve met along the way. Thank you to everyone that has blessed my life.

Feel blessed right now. Be a shame to not be happy with a full belly.

FknBucky

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Jul

The light (the dark -part 2)

By Bucktown 1 Comment

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: anger, bad, bed, chair, confidence, confidence4, cycle, fknbucky, good, grow, happy, harsh, Hate, jameson, john, kid, kind, love, luther, mlk, motor, normal, parole, pit, pressure, prison, problem, sad, sentence, show, skin, sore, strength, strong, violence, work, zero

Yesterday I talked about being the “dark”, a place that I go alone when I’m angry and feel cheated by life. Truth is I’m not cheated by anything. I chose to ride a motorcycle 22 years ago in horrible conditions when I wasn’t experienced enough to be doing so which resulted in me wrecking and becoming paralyzed. I pay for that decision 24/7 – 365 and will do so for the rest of my life no matter what happens. Prison isn’t even that harsh, my sentence was instant with no jury, and I have zero chance at parole. I accept all of that because it simply is the reality I have.

I didn’t plan to say all that, but it just came out. I just type what my brain thinks and that that is what you get to read when I post these. When I’m in the “dark” as I call it I don’t spend the time sitting in a corner feeling sorry for myself. I simply can’t and you shouldn’t either. I work. I spent time cleaning my bedroom, bathroom, and living room this past weekend while being very aware of how much time I was up in my wheelchair. The pressure sore dictates that, but I also swapped out my cushion for a heavier, but much better one for skin care which I should have done 4 weeks ago, but I never thought about it. Again I accept responsibility for the problems I face.

Blaming nurses, doctors, or the hospital in my case only leads to anger and frustration which makes solving my hardship nearly impossible. You can always find someone to point the finger at. How many problems do you solve while angry??? Well besides silencing a crap talker. Man I miss punching deserving people in the face. You can also go to a punk rock shows for 2 hours of mosh pit madness to release a lot of aggression. One time we actually fought the band once at the Ogden in Denver. That was an awesome show I saw with two Daves, a Skot, and Uncle John Jameson. Anyway. Violence is bad or something.

Here is the ultimate point. Do something. Keep moving no matter how slow it is. I fixed my wheelchair while in bed leaning to the side staying off my skin. I could have been crying, cursing (still was just at the chair instead of God and Big Bang Theory), or trying to ruin other people’s weekend because I was having a hard time. That would have been completely pointless and stupid. I have wanted to fix a bracket on my chair for months, but couldn’t find or make the time. It took me HOURS, but I finally got it perfect and makes I’m so darn happy. I didn’t plan that. It just became because I just kept doing.

The light doesn’t just show up. Nope. There is always work involved. Luckily I learned as a kid that work was good, setbacks are normal, and I had to rely on myself before crying to others. If you work even a tiny tiny bit the light will come. The strength will come. Each time the strength grows. The confidence grows. The happiness grows. Wait for it….. YOU GROW!!

FknBucky

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Jul

The dark

By Bucktown Leave a Comment

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: 4th, anger, bad, cocaine, dark, Depress, dog, elmo, good, happy, Hate, July, kidney, kind, light, love, sad, Surgery, tunnel

What do we do when the mood is less than great?? When we don’t have a perfect photo to put up on IG or X?? When our friends are doing something cooler than we are??? When our health is hurting and it affects the happiness we wish we could find for the day?? The world tells us to make lemonade. We are told to suck it up and get back out there. FknBucky writes often about finding ways to make other people smile because that smile will come back. Today Bucky says sometimes you have to embrace the dark.

I’m not telling anyone to embrace depression and stay there. That is a very bad idea, but sometimes you have to experience the dark to remember how much you love being in the light. Nobody is “UP” all of the time, no matter how much cocaine you do. Just ask Elmo. My kidney was so infected it killed me the first week of May. I’m used to almost dying so I don’t have the “I’m going to live like no tomorrow BS” anymore and truthfully always have, but it is a good reminder to keep chasing my goals. I had that jerk kidney taken out a couple weeks ago. I was so hopeful for sunny skies and to be back after it again that I had a list of things to get after. Instead life kicked me in the nuts and the face just in case I didn’t get the message. I discovered a pressure sore on my butt.

My happiness deflated instantly. My family all had great plans for this weekend, but not me. I’m still healing from the kidney surgery with literal open wounds and now this pressure sore. I don’t want to say I was in “poor me” area, but more of an “Eff everyone else” area. My phone went to VM (I don’t listen to them FYI) and I had a couple pissed off days. I needed to accept this in my mind, formulate a plan to fix my problems, and then come out with a true I will over come this attitude. I will get this to heal and accepted my role in allowing it to happen. We all have to understand that spending some time in the darkness even on 4th of July weekend if needed be isn’t a bad thing.

This isn’t an easy thing to share, but I promised to be honest with everyone that reads this. I don’t share to hear the comments of “you can do it, you got this, or the stay strong”….. While those are not bad and needed sometimes, I’d rather hear/see “me too Bucky, I understand this, and glad I’m not alone” so that others can feel safe embracing the dark, but remember to not get lost there. You must come back out into the light and trust me you will feel stronger and refreshed. Being depressed/angry at hard times is natural, but those feelings will never solve the hard times. For that you need positivity, strength, and loved ones around you.

FknBucky

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There will be a part 2 tomorrow. Trying to keep the blogs shorter.

Remember to share this for others that might need to hear it.

Jun

Same Caramel Different Day

By Bucktown 1 Comment

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: anger, Candy, caramel, chocolate, diet, dog, fat, free, good, happy, Life, live, love, mall, No, read, sad, skin, store, suck, sugar, trust, try, Win, zero

ZERO fat???? I asked. “Yes” was the reply. I had just mixed up my scrambled eggs up with butter, bacon, and love. I didn’t even get one bite when the doctor came in and looked at my kidney drain. Not one bite. The drain was cloudy. Cloudy is bad.

If I wanted to go home I had to commit to a zero fat diet for two weeks. Not idea what that entailed, but what the heck, I wanted to sleep in my own bed so I agreed. How hard could it be?? Turns out there is fat in Häagen Dazs. The world hates me is my only conclusion. All the things I love have fat in them.

My sister helped clear out the bad and shopped for the healthy before she picked me up to take me back to the apartment. I’m lucky to have a great group of family and friends. I spent yesterday cleaning and organizing my bedroom. You see the last five plus years have been insanely hard on me due to this darn infection, but I couldn’t see it. My energy went down, my pain went up, and life in general slowly began to downgrade allowing my world to descend into chaos. Fancy way to say my home is a mess.

While organizing and cleaning my bedroom I found something the sister missed. A large piece of caramel I bought a few days ago while at the the mall. You know the candy store by the door with insanely yummy everything.. I loaded up before surgery thinking if things go bad my corpse will be full of chocolate goodness. I lived so I was a man with way too much sugar in his system and a leftover caramel in his bedroom.

My first thought was I’m eating this M Eff’er right now. Then I remembered who I am. FknBucky? Nope. Bucky? Nope. Allen? Nope. I am a man of character and self discipline. I haven’t always won every battle in my life, but I’m not losing this one. I take a bite and it will taste amazing. After 57 hours of ZERO fat I’ve earned a little yummy. Bull$h!t. The goal to reach is two weeks.

I take that bite and all I’ll taste is guilt and failure. I’ve done that before and learned that lesson. Not this time. My character isn’t for sale. I will wait two weeks and that bite will be one of power and satisfaction. That little caramel bite will give me strength for the next battle that will surely come.

We all have it in us. Wait it out.

FknBucky

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This meme just made me laugh.

Jun

Going In

By Bucktown Leave a Comment

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: anger, arm, bad, bucky, chair’, doctor, dog, fear, fknbucky, hospital, kidney, Life, nut, para, scared, strong, stupid, Surgery, wheel

Hello my friends. I have been so busy trying to keep my life in order it has been difficult to find time to write on here. We have been recording podcasts the last week and I remind you I’ve only been out two weeks from my near death experience hospital time. My stupid arm is still numb and the shoulder hurts when I use it. Funny thing about being paralyzed. If one of my arms doesn’t work, I simply roll in circles which is an issue for me.

So in about two hours I will be arriving at the hospital to have my left kidney taken out. We’ve been together for 45 years. Longest relationship I’ve ever had, but like a few of my other ex’s that bitch has been trying to kill me. I’ve said in the past “It is time to cut the drama from my life”, but this is the first time it is literally happening. I’ve had surgeries before, but I’m truthful on here. I’m a little scared. This is the first time a major organ is being taken out. They tried to take my left nut about 15 years ago, but like the rest of me (minus this stupid wimp left kidney) it was too strong to quit and came back. My balls are awesome.

I gotta get dressed for this. I love you all. Thank you for all your support and well wishes. Looking forward to writing again soon. Please go to YouTube and watch the podcasts. Episode 24 is so funny. I love it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lo_0BeK2nYk

Take care of each other and let go of petty BS. Life is too short to carry anger around. Show love and forgiveness and you will have a happy experience on this beautiful planet. Travel. Enjoy. Smile. Talk to people that are different from you with an open mind.

FknBucky

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Jun

No More Air for FknBucky

By Bucktown 2 Comments

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Air, anger, Annie, bad, breath, carol, choke, chronic-illness, club, die, doctor, dog, dying, fight, fork, happy, health, healthy-living, kind, Life, love, man, mess, Mom, nurse, oxygen, panic, para, pasnic, piss, quad, sad, suffacate, wellness

Let’s face it you are all a bunch of sick puppies that want to know the details of FknBucky almost dying. You will get them because I promised to always be honest on here. It has been a very dark road and one I wish I could have avoided, but I will make jokes cause that is what I do. If I was about to be shot in the head, I would ask the shooter to promise to tell the hospital that I did NOT die of Covid. It is just who I am. Marry a funny man if you want to have a fun life. I’m taking apps (women only), bunch of savages….

FYI, My hand and arm are still numb and won’t work correctly. My strength is about 40%. Prayers and respect to all Quads. If you know a Quad or see one, give them an hug and say how amazing their strength is. Some of the strongest people on Earth. As my hand comes back I’ll be able to type and blogs will come faster.

On to dying. I was at home for days stuck in bed feeling sick. I couldn’t get up to take Annie outside or feed her. I could not get up to use the restroom properly and my home became a complete mess. It was overwhelming in so many ways and very disheartening to a person like me that demands the best from myself. To no longer have the strength to live with the independence I cherish came very close to crushing my spirit in the ultimate way. It hurt so much inside. I don’t care about pissing on myself as it happens when people get older and when a person is a paraplegic. The disheartening and soul crushing part was not being able to clean up myself.

My Mom (Carol – Thank You so much) came out to help after I admitted I was in a bad way. My breathing was horrid. I’ve been doing it for 45 years, but for some reason I could not get air. I had to sit cross legged with my head down to breathe. Imagine having to stay in one spot/position to get air. It sucked. Life was happening around me, with people coming and going, the lawn being mowed, packages coming, and I was a statue taking small breaths to simply stay alive. After a week, I called an ambulance. Have I ever mentioned how stubborn I am??

In the ER they found my kidney to be infected again. WOW. I could have told them that. I go thru the motions and get checked into room 7911. Small room. First time in my life I had…. Who knows. I started that sentence earlier and can’t remember what the heck I was planning to say. Oh now I do. Oxygen. First time they put the oxygen on me. It was weird. Didn’t get me high though like they say in fight club. Stupid hospital oxygen. I spent days in that room stuck in bed. No moving just fighting to breathe all day and night. Ma spent the night because it was so rough. My eyes were yellow, body beaten down, very little humor or smiles from me, just pain, hurt, and worry.

Day 4 or 5 I was up again. No sleep in the hospital. NONE. Remember my spasms were going crazy the entire time. They always wanted to lay me flat on my back , irritate the kidney, and make my legs & stomach go insane. My stomach spasms are so strong I can’t breathe when they go. It becomes a clamp on my lungs that makes taking a breath impossible. Think about how scary that would be. Sitting there minding your own business and WHAM you can’t bring air into your body with no idea when it will stop. Now imagine it happens a hundred plus times a day/night.

The clock was 6 AM. The nurse and doctor were talking about discharging me that day. My Mom and I insisted that would not be good for me. I told Mom that I would die if they sent me home as I could feel a lot was wrong still. Everything they were doing was not improving my situation. I couldn’t breathe and my spasms were still going crazy. Remember I had been struggling to breathe for weeks, but now it was real. I was gasping and using all the tiny bit of strength I had to get the smallest amounts of air. It is a crazy feeling to try so hard bring air in and get nothing over and over and over and over…. I was getting legit scared. I have a lot I want to do yet in life. I don’t want to die, not like this…. A fast car on a mountain road, spontaneous combustion, a crazy ex-girlfriend and a kid that ain’t mine, or my favorite going out with a smile at a decently old age after giving away every penny I have to those less fortunate than I am.

The more I struggled the more people came into my tiny room to watch me die. The door was a huge wooden one that the nurse and doctor kept shutting very hard which loud noises make my spasms go off making it double hard to breathe again. Once the doctor came in yelling at me and Mama bear yelled “Hey watch your TONE!!!” My Mom sat back and told me to trust the doctors, but when it goes too far this Farm Mama will stab you with a pitch fork.

Breath so bad it deserves 3 pictures.

The big time doctor came in. He had scrubs on and was a, well male, so you know he was in charge.. Oooo that will get some all stirred up. RELAX. Women are super important. Who else would hold stuff while the doctor works???? He was right up in my grill and clearly ate dog poo for breakfast. Worst breath ever. I was dying. He kept telling me to breathe but I was trying to blow his shit breath away. Take air in, no way, not smelling like that. Here comes death. All the money and time to train a doctor they can’t have one day to learn how to pop an ALTOID before getting in the face of a dying person. Heck, you have a woman right there ready to hold them for you. Ha.

If you mad at a couple men/women jokes this blog is going hurt long term. Take a breathe. Smile. See how easy that is. I couldn’t do it the other day. Don’t get upset at stupid words. If you do, you’ll never have a happy day. On to my death.

I had to see my Mom’s face as I going out. No one should ever have to see that. My Mom’s sad/crushed face while smelling shit breath from a doctor telling me to breathe like I somehow forgot in the last 6 seconds. Pretty much the worst way to go. I couldn’t speak anymore. Not sure if I would have said if I could have. Maybe “Goodbye Ma or Someone got a tic tac for dog shit breath doctor here??” It is a toss up. Then I ran out of gas. Completely. I stopped breathing. I had not one more gasp in me. I just stopped.

FknBucky

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May

meet FKNBucky

By Bucktown 1 Comment

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: anger, blog, breath, breathe, dead, dog, family, friend, good, happy, hospital, kind, laugh, laugh at death, Life, mental-health, Mom, never, panic, quit, strong, violence, writing, wrong

I am ALIVE!!! This is true.

I am blessed. This is also true.

More truth for you. I have been in the hospital since April 30thish, 2024…… I went down for the big count. Around May 5th I ran out of air. I was no longer able to breathe. I was told for days by hospital staff that I was simply having a panic attacks. I do a lot of things. I curse to much. I call stupid lazy people stupid and lazy to their face. I love my family/friends. I make very inappropriate jokes/comments. I laugh at racist jokes. Mostly after I say them.

What I don’t do is panic. Ever.

I’ve had a bad kidney for over 6 years. I’ve had some other health issues for a lot longer. I’ve been trying to get these problems identified and handled and have tried for a very long time. Why don’t I tell you??? Cause you got your own BS to handle. I mean that in a positive light. I never planned for this to blow up so big and become such a hard thing to deal with. I had no strength, energy, and it sucked. I had no phone calls, emails, and couldn’t take of Annie. Some of the hardest and darkest days off my life. No doubt.

Slight side note, but relevant:

I am comfortable with violence. I think a punch in the mouth is needed sometimes. Given and received depending on what time you started day drinking. Day drinking with a side of violence. I love Wisconsin so much…. And IA, and NY, and AL, GA, NC, SC, KY, NJ, and a former CO resident named Nate from NJ, Dave Dean, and many others . When I fell out/died at the hospital for almost 3 days last week they forgot to move my left arm. Now it is numb and don’t work. Being a quad is HARD. I have so much more respect for those who face that challenge everyday.

It is Slllllloooooooowwwwly coming back. I feel like I should be able to punch the person responsible in their face without jail time. My left arm/hand is dominant although I am ambidextrous, but both arms are equal when attempting to push a wheelchair in a straight line. My logic is I should get to dot Billy’s “move the arm guy” eye so he sees fuzzy out his left eye while I’m stuck rolling in circles….. What if Billy is a girl Bucky??? Duh. I do the right thing and use gender neutral violence obviously throwing the headbutt. I’m not stupid. I am funny however and you love my genuine ass.

Now that I can use a phone again I have a lot of blogs to write. You will enjoy them. I’m sorry many of you had no idea how sick I was. I couldn’t type and it happened fast. PLEASE follow this blog and the podcast. Future info will come thru here and the podcast. I have a large family and SSOOO many amazing friends from all over the world. You are the reason I never stop fighting for my life or my right to say messed up things to make people laugh. This experience will be shared fully and I’m hoping to write blogs daily, but I also have a ton of therapy and life to catch up on.

I love you all. Truly. My family. My friends. My colleague’s who are both. Without you all there is no Allen, no nBucky, no FknBucky, no fight, no stories, and I owe all of you my life. Thank you.

FknBucky

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Apr

My Friend named Grandma

By Bucktown Leave a Comment

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: anger, bad, blog, call, Celebration, family, farm, friend, garden, Grandma, grandparents, happy, Hard, hartd, Hate, help, Iowa, Life, love, Mom, personal, phone, respect, sad, strength, wife, work

NEW PODCAST on YouTube and on your favorite podcast app. Simply search FKNBUCKY. Please like, share, and comment. Together we can do something great and change lives with positivity!!!

Just boarded another airplane for another flight home. I’ve done this dozens actually hundreds of times before, but today is different. I’m flying home to say goodbye to one of my dearest friends. I’m so thankful for the time I was able to spend with her and will remember all the wonderful conversations we had over the last 20 years. For those of you that know me personally you know I have friends all over the world and I’ve been blessed to have so many of them. This friend was all alone in her category simply because of her name. Grandma.

I have always been close to my Dads father. I was named after him and that was a small club to be in. I probably don’t deserve his name as he was one of the greatest men I’ve ever known. When he was 80 yrs old I watched him carry a large metal tub filled with corn down to the hog barn to feed the chickens. Ha. Just kidding. There are pigs in the hog barn you fools!! When I would visit my Grandparents, Grandpa and I would sit at the table having tea and thoseamazing chocolate chip cookies only Grandma could make, while G-ma waited on us. Naturally most of the conversation was between us men. It was just the way it was. I mean we all know the golden rule. Women have to be quiet while the men are talking.

My Grandpa passed away 17 years ago and while back visiting Grandma she mentioned she is awake until 2-3 am most nights. I started volunteering at the children’s hospital in San Diego around this time. Every Tuesday night I would open and run a playroom for the kids to get out of their rooms and have some fun. My drive home was 30-40m min and almost always after 9 PM. I like to talk to people when I’m driving, but 9 PM is a little late to call friends to just say “hey”. One night I thought Grandma is awake, I’ll call her. I called, she was up, and we had a great talk. As time went on, week after week, I would continue to call G-ma on my drive home. She looked forward to it and so did I. Something happened during those calls. My Grandma became my friend.

She told me so many stories. How she first knew my Grandfather was the man she would marry. He was at her place to help do some sort of work and as he left the house with the others, my grandma handed him a pair of gloves and their hands touched. Not a quick touch, but long enough to gaze into each others eyes and decide I’m going to marry this person. Simpler times. A hand lingering just long enough to relay the message, but not too long to be creepy.

She told me about her wedding day. They were going to “honeymoon” in Waterloo planning to eat a fine dinner and then going to see a movie. For reasons not discussed the young married couple were running late and had to smash a couple burgers quickly so they could still make the movie on time. The best part was the happiness in her voice as she relived these memories with me. I felt and still feel honored she shared these stories with me. I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to know her so well.

Grandma had so many pictures and was a rock within the family. Doing all she could to keep the family together having family reunions and always encouraging everyone to let go of the anger, be open to kindness, and forgive when necessary. It seems fitting that our whole family will be brought together one more time by Anna Pearl. I can envision her and Grandpa (together again!) looking down at us all with smiles knowing they did their best for their family and I’m not alone when I say THANK YOU to both of them.

Just part of Grandmas super army. Love you forever Grandma.

I will say this. MAKE the time to talk with people you love. None of us are that busy we can’t put forth the effort. Well so and so never calls me, why should I reach out to them??? Why shouldn’t you?? Whatever happened let it go. It isn’t worth dragging that anger anchor around with you. Don’t you want to be free of this pissed off attitude that sucks up all your energy so you can stay mad???

I loved my Grandmother without question. She was a remarkable woman. All that came natural. I’m happiest though knowing I took the time to make my amazing G-ma my best friend while I had the opportunity. She taught me so many lessons that I will use the rest of my life. Many times people will say I didn’t know what I had until it was gone. I have learned very hard lessons that way, but this one time I got ahead of the game. I made sure to appreciate my friend everyday.

The world lost a bright shining light of a human, but heaven gained an angel that will forever be looking down at our families.

That is what I wrote on the flight out. I’m currently on the flight back to Charlotte. At the visitation I went by, but purposely didn’t look into the casket directly. I used a bit of side eye, then closed my eyes, and said a private prayer between Anna Pearl and myself. I didn’t want the vision of her in my head overwhelming all the happy mental pics I’ve taken of her during my life.

My family is far from perfect. My Grandma wasn’t perfect. I am so far from Perphekt that I have to spell it wrong. I might name one of my kids that actually…. Truth is like all families there is some drama and blah blah. I don’t involve myself in that. Some people need conflict and thrive on it. I’m not one of those. I prefer if something has your panties all wadded up, say something, get it off your chest, and then move on.

The celebration of life was awesome. Many of my family members made the trip home and we got to visit, laugh, and enjoy the moment. Anna Pearl got us all together one last time.

We are all going to miss her, but I’ve promised myself to replay the great times in my head and share the advice, family history, and the wisdom my dear friend Grandma passed to me.

I love you Grandma and Grandpa. So happy you are together again. I promise to do my best to encourage everyone to drop the anchors and be happy again. At this stage of the game no body is changing. Just accept your family members for who they are and simply love them unconditionally.

Thank you,

FknBucky

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