Alright enough is enough. It is time for an old fashioned rant that will most likely get me canceled before I get started. If they can get Dr Seuss none of us are safe. Don’t bother me. Heck I say let the children read some FknBucky and actually learn something. One Fish, Two Fish, how about a dose of shut the Ef up doctor. Boom. I am not going to lie I don’t see the point in freaking out about it, but hey the angry people have to concentrate their anger somewhere. I don’t know why they are always so pissed off, but that is what angry mob people do. They anger stuff. Enjoy that. If you are a racist because of something you read in a Dr Seuss book you have a bigger problem. You are fucking stupid too. That one is going to be harder than fix than your racist views.
I didn’t even mean to talk about that, but hey most of this blog is made up on the spot anyway. What I’m actually mad at is car insurance. These pricks are laughing all the way to the bank while you’re melting down over Green Eggs and Ham. They are crooks and car insurance is way to darn expensive. Have you watched a television in the last 12 months?? Every other commercial is Progressive, Geico, or State Farm. Don’t think we didn’t notice Jake woke up black one day?!? What is that about?? You want to have a black spokesperson more power to you, but to swap out white Jake with a black Jake is stupid. Why can’t white Jake have a black friend named Ed?? I do. Let Ed takeover the commercials and we are all better for it.
The celebrities in these commercials starting with Aaron Rodgers (best QB in WI), Pat Mahomes, and Drake?? That is one commercial. They are paying a fortune for these people to spokespersons and guess where that money is coming from?? Yep you because your kid just turned 16 so Geico has to charge you $9,000 more a month. Not because he is a bad driver, but they need more money to hire Tom Brady now. I bet that little lizard has a 10,000 square foot house in Beverly Hills. Look at him down there, driving a better car than you and I. Hate that snobby lizard. He best not come outside when I’m around because I will run his stupid green British accent ass down in my minivan. I’ll gladly pay an extra $50 a month for that “accident”.
Don’t get me started on Flo. First it was just her annoying us to death, but somehow she has a whole gang now. If you don’t use Progressive that weirdo Jamie is going to come to your house and impregnate your daughter. I’ve seen it happen in other countries. You thought socialism ruined Venezuela?? Wow I spelled that right on the first try. Nope those poor Southern neighbors got wrapped up in the car insurance game and their whole economy collapsed over night. Nothing I just said is true, but you don’t care about facts or truths so just repeat all that to some other idiot that doesn’t bother to look anything up so you can both be stupid. Now that you two are together go make a baby and read Dr Seuss to it.
Geico promised me $48 monthly rates and got me to break up with Jake. He was still white when I left him so don’t go playing the race card on me. Geico was fun and dangerous. She would show up to dinner with a switchblade and be all like you never know when you gotta cut someone. I was like “yeah you never know….:” Then she changed man. Didn’t reply to text messages as fast anymore. Seemed to be busy on Tuesdays when she wasn’t before. I should have seen it coming, but I was naive. My CC became out dated. Past its date. They emailed me and said I need a new card to continue dating. I said cool as long as my money doesn’t go to that stupid lizard. I uploaded a new credit card to Geico.
Time goes by. I hear nothing so I assume my switchblade carrying mistress has moved on to some other bloke (I wanted to use that word for a week now), but she would still take my money monthly cause that is what they do. I was wrong. Well kinda. I was in the North Woods of WI which is something I do every year. A group of us guys go up and do a bit of bear hunting. We don’t use guns, but actually kill them with our bare hands to keep it more sporting. Actually we just get blacked out drunk and tear up some teddy bears. There is a lot more stuffing in those bears than you’d think. I almost choked on stuffing once. Don’t deep fry it. Okay off topic. There is very limited phone signal in the North Woods, but when I do get a signal I see that Geico completely dumped me. BY EMAIL. Coward.
I call Geico and say “What is the deal?? I thought you loved me?? Or at least my money. She said I was delinquent on my payment. How can that be?? I gave you a new card. I hadn’t had time to use up all the credit buying poor Russian girls presents yet. Those ladies really understand me. Until the credit card declines. I’m sensing a pattern here… Geico said the card was fine, but I didn’t check the auto pay box again. I said “what?” Apparently when you put a new card on file you have to set up auto pay again. How the Ef am I supposed to know that?? Maybe explaining that would have been better than carving “White Jake sucks” in our dinner table. Great so now I have no insurance I ask?? Yep, but Geico was willing to take me back at that exact moment. Whew I thought it’s a good thing this didn’t get ugly.
Ugly is my sisters middle name. Not sure what that has to do with this rant. There was a catch. Apparently Geico needed to upgrade from a switchblade to a flipping Patriot missile because my rate went from $48 to $197. It went up because of my lapse of coverage. 4 days of a lapse. Of course I’m super stoked at this point. No anger at all. I said ‘Well I have to check with Flo and the gang first.” Geico was cool with that and explained that there was a $22 balance on my account, but I didn’t have to worry because they went ahead and charged the card on file. WTF. I asked you charged the card on file the breaking up fee instead of the stay together fee?? That crazy broad said “yep.” You literally could not measure how happy I was at this moment. Unless you have a measurement for ZERO.
Because Geico is a spiteful broad she made sure to call the state government the exact day my card stopped being charge so they could get in on the fun. Yep I got a $50 fine for having a lapse in coverage from them as well along with a $5 late fee as I didn’t know about the stupid fee topped off with a $2 processing fee. Best part is they never told me I was good to go. I had to call into the North Carolina DOT. I did this. 3 times. First time was a 23 min hold just to be disconnected when someone picked up. Second call was 22 minutes, but the connection was awful with a loud piecing siren noise. I asked the lady to call me back and she said okay, but 15 minutes later I was able to confirm ‘that was a lie.” Thank you Maury Povich. My third and thankfully last call was 16 minutes. I got the girl on the phone and told her the whole situation to which she replied “Oh you are Good to go.”
I asked “Is there an email or something that tells me this??” She says Nope. We just stop sending you letters telling you that you suck. They simply stop sending you mail. Cause that doesn’t take forever to figure out. I’m not the only one to be treated dirty but the car insurance mafia. I would call the General, but we all know Shaq ain’t cheap. I’m sure they have to buy his big ass lunch on filming day. Now they got Snoop Dogg. Think his stoned butt isn’t just as expensive to feed as Shaq?? That is right, your car insurance money is spent on WEED for Snoop Dogg. The least he could do is puff, puff, pass…
So as you argue about right and left, the true enemy is walking right into your front door. Your wife is mad at you cause you’re broke, your daughter is knocked up by a lizard, your son is smoking Snoop Dogg’s pot with white Jake cause he is now unemployed, and you’re oblivious to it all keeping a current credit card on file. Do as you’re told or the Mafia will come for you. Man up, woman up, or whatever the other 20 genders we have now up, and say no more car insurance mafia! I want broke ass everyday people in the commercials that make minimum wage (the $7.50 one cause I hate people) so I can pay a reasonable amount monthly in case someone smashes my van again.
I feel better. Sorry Mom the F-Bomb was important there. Take the day off, You don’t have to be kind today. Go find an insurance vehicle and scratch it. Don’t get caught.
FknBucky
FknBucky 