Posts Tagged ‘confidence

27
Feb
25

Mmm Cupcake

I am on a journey. I wrote about being obligated to myself instead of feeling motivated. I am passionate about it and not going to stop for anyone or anything. I work out daily and have been doing so for a few months now. I have stopped eating sugar because it is counterproductive and doesn’t help me reach my goal of losing 100 lbs. Yeah I let it go that far. When I was weighed in for my last cripple fight that will be shown on YouTube, I was 270 lbs. Obviously I’m kidding, it was only 267.

I won that fight, but lost a kidney in the process. I won because I’m still alive. In May 2024 I was on a ventilator in ICU for 3 days. Now I’m down 70 lbs with 30 more to go. The hard 30. I won’t be denied. I was always thinking “this is so hard, I don’t want to cut sugar, I need ice cream to be happy..”, but it was all BS inside my head. I had a long conversation with myself that went like this.

Bucky, you overcame the hardest thing in the world. You went on with life after being paralyzed. No one did that for me. Quite the opposite actually. Many people looked at me like I was already dead and their eyes said “if that was me, I’d kill myself”. Don’t think I never noticed. Ready for the point. I’m not those people. I’m exceptional. I’m stronger than you, them, everyone. I don’t care about your opinion or your false sympathy. Want to make my life better?? Donate your next paycheck to a cure for spinal cord injuries.

If any of that offends you, then it is you I’m talking about. Those people that truly care about me, knelt next to me, and saw the same looks. Back on topic. I did that, but I can’t stop eating sugar for a few months to get my weight down?? Stupid. I will reach this goal and I truly hope some of you join me for the trip. Not only will we reach one goal, but the strength and confidence we gain along the way will be truly priceless. Remember the goal is simply the cherry on top, the journey is the cupcake.

FknBucky

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18
Jul
24

stick

Scott Wood Photo (Amazing)

Beauty. Funny word. Means many different things to just about everyone. What is beautiful to you?? A view? A woman? A man? A car? Truck? An experience? All of them? For me it is very simple. A look in the mirror. I’m one beautiful human. Life hasn’t been an easy path for me and it hasn’t been for you either, but we all must work at keeping our confidence. If you don’t work at it who will do it for you? I promise the world will only try to kill your confidence not help grow it. Surround yourself with people that only have your best interest in mind or life becomes unnecessarily harder.

I was playing frisbee with Annie the other day and saw a walking stick crawling across the cement floor of this little shack we use for shade at the park. I can’t remember ever seeing one in the “wild” before, but I was enamored with it. Maybe I was jealous of that darn stick that can walk…. Haha It was gorgeous and I couldn’t stop watching it slowly crawl across the floor to nowhere. Just endless cement, but it didn’t know that because it could only see/sense what is right in front of it. I could see the path he was traveling was a futile one so I kept trying to steer it another way, but that darn stubborn stick fought me no matter what I did. I remember thinking this must be how God or Big Bang Theory feels watching me live my life.

Sometimes the most inspirational things are complete surprises to us, but we must be patient enough to see them. Learning to me is beautiful. I simply love to learn anything new and watching that bug taught me lessons I had no idea I needed when I woke up that morning. I moved it off the cement into some rocks, but then thought it was a stick not a rock so that was no good. I grabbed a twig and it crawled onto it almost immediately so I rolled about 50 feet away into some wood chips. I found a small tree, put that walking stick onto a branch, and watched it for a couple minutes. It only took about 30 seconds for uncoordinated idiot to fall off. Kind of like me.

It didn’t hit the ground though. A small strand of something came out of its butt, it hung about 4 inches from the branch, and I was about to “save” it when something remarkable happened. It started to climb up this string that came out of it. As it blew around in the wind that darn bug got closer and closer to the branch I put it on until it made it back to safety. I had been in awe of this creature for 20 minutes and thought it had no more beauty to see, but like many times in my life I was wrong.

There is more beauty inside yourself if you just take the time to see it. Once you can see it, then and only then, can the world see it.

FknBucky

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07
Jul
24

The light (the dark -part 2)

Yesterday I talked about being the “dark”, a place that I go alone when I’m angry and feel cheated by life. Truth is I’m not cheated by anything. I chose to ride a motorcycle 22 years ago in horrible conditions when I wasn’t experienced enough to be doing so which resulted in me wrecking and becoming paralyzed. I pay for that decision 24/7 – 365 and will do so for the rest of my life no matter what happens. Prison isn’t even that harsh, my sentence was instant with no jury, and I have zero chance at parole. I accept all of that because it simply is the reality I have.

I didn’t plan to say all that, but it just came out. I just type what my brain thinks and that that is what you get to read when I post these. When I’m in the “dark” as I call it I don’t spend the time sitting in a corner feeling sorry for myself. I simply can’t and you shouldn’t either. I work. I spent time cleaning my bedroom, bathroom, and living room this past weekend while being very aware of how much time I was up in my wheelchair. The pressure sore dictates that, but I also swapped out my cushion for a heavier, but much better one for skin care which I should have done 4 weeks ago, but I never thought about it. Again I accept responsibility for the problems I face.

Blaming nurses, doctors, or the hospital in my case only leads to anger and frustration which makes solving my hardship nearly impossible. You can always find someone to point the finger at. How many problems do you solve while angry??? Well besides silencing a crap talker. Man I miss punching deserving people in the face. You can also go to a punk rock shows for 2 hours of mosh pit madness to release a lot of aggression. One time we actually fought the band once at the Ogden in Denver. That was an awesome show I saw with two Daves, a Skot, and Uncle John Jameson. Anyway. Violence is bad or something.

Here is the ultimate point. Do something. Keep moving no matter how slow it is. I fixed my wheelchair while in bed leaning to the side staying off my skin. I could have been crying, cursing (still was just at the chair instead of God and Big Bang Theory), or trying to ruin other people’s weekend because I was having a hard time. That would have been completely pointless and stupid. I have wanted to fix a bracket on my chair for months, but couldn’t find or make the time. It took me HOURS, but I finally got it perfect and makes I’m so darn happy. I didn’t plan that. It just became because I just kept doing.

The light doesn’t just show up. Nope. There is always work involved. Luckily I learned as a kid that work was good, setbacks are normal, and I had to rely on myself before crying to others. If you work even a tiny tiny bit the light will come. The strength will come. Each time the strength grows. The confidence grows. The happiness grows. Wait for it….. YOU GROW!!

FknBucky

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01
Mar
21

Left Out….

Monday. I hope everyone is excited to tackle a new week. If you find yourself dreading the work week then it is time to start looking at how to make some changes. I’m going to say some mind blowing stuff right now so hang on tight. YOU ONLY GET ONE LIFE. One. As in ONE. Here is the real kicker. None of us know how long the ride last. Due to ZERO fault on your part, your life could be done in a few hours. A few days. Heck a few years. I was blessed in the fact that I understood this at an early age. I didn’t give a F&$# what people thought about me because I woke up everyday ready to do life the way I wanted. Mind you I didn’t steal things because thieves are scum and I went out of my way to bring everyone along for the ride. I actively looked for the people usually left out so I could bring them in. I know that feeling of left out and it sucks. I truly believe you have to experience things to understand them. Maybe that is my life. I’m supposed to help others get off the bench and into the game of life. I don’t care what happens to me, I will never ride the pine.

I am reminded of a time back in the snowboarding days. Sorry I know I keep going back to this well, but I miss it. So much. Not being able to snowboard is the one thing that truly makes me so sad about the accident. It was mine. It was my meditation, my sanctuary, and my forever love. Only people that have lived that lifestyle understand how precious those moments are. I do remind myself I was lucky enough to have had the times I did. The friends that I made were more like family. We are all spread out now and most of them have kids, real jobs, and been domesticated as that is what you do. I do however know for a fact every once in a while they like me look to the sky and say a quiet thank you. We had those times that no one can ever take away from us. The flaming rail slides in my backyard, the Pantera mosh pit at 3 AM in the Leadville house, the first chair on powder days, the beers in the afternoon paid for by the green card, and the thousands of other memories I cherish. It was during this time a moment happened that I think of from time to time.

You don’t have to have special powers to be super hero to others. My real name is Allen. Some of you probably didn’t know that so boom mind blown moment. Many people ask me why the nickname Bucky. I almost never tell. The way it started was me seeing Bronson Pinchot on the Tonight show. He played Balki on the TV show perfect strangers. He said that the name Balki was a nickname he had been given while in elementary school. When asked why he got that nickname he smiled to himself and said no way was he telling. I never wanted to know something so badly. Hence from then forward I didn’t tell. Still don’t so if you are one of the trusted who know the secret, stay trusted and keep your mouth shut. The guessing is actually my favorite part. People come up with some wild stories. Makes me laugh.

There was a kid name Billy John Tom (BJT and absolutely not the real name) that worked at the mountain. He was a super nice kid, but he had a smell about him. I don’t know why and didn’t ask him. He had a massive heart and was down to help anyone anytime. I felt bad that he was alienated by his peers, but lucky for me I could help. I was popular. People looked up to me on the mountain. I’m not being arrogant just being real. I was good looking, confident, funny, and I was a pretty good snowboarder. I was also broke as F&$# every day so I had to be funny to get girls. My man BJT was not those things. Almost daily the subject of where Bucky came from would come up and people would make crazy guesses. Obviously none of them were close to the truth. It became more of a game than people actually wanting to know I believe, but again the mystery part of it made it fun.

One night after work I was having a few beers (like 40 probably) with a beautiful girl from Columbia (the Country), and my guy BJT was there. Maybe one day I’ll write a blog about the girl and her roommate. Or maybe not. The subject of the nickname came up and I decided right there I was going to tell BJT the truth. I asked him to keep it to himself which he did, but from that moment on he knew something nobody else did. He was “in” a small group and felt welcomed. He felt like he belonged. I am good at reading people and knowing (most times) what to say to make them feel better about themselves. First of all to do this you can’t lie. Whatever you tell someone to lift them up must be true or it will only cause more hurt. Lying is never the right option. I was still pretty young in those days, and I’m not sure what made me want to tell BJT the secret. I never regretted doing so.

He never told a soul what my secret was and I couldn’t buy a more loyal friend. He knew I didn’t have to tell him, but I did out of kindness and he appreciated it. I bet if I become famous and someone offered him $100,000 dollars to tell the story there is a good chance he would turn it down. Mainly because my other crap bag friends would do it for $11.47 which makes them pricks. The $.47 is a shout out to my favorite transgender friend that reads this blog.

Look for the person that feels left out and then find a way to get them in. It will make you feel great to do and just might change someone’s life in the process. You don’t know someone’s history and everyone at the end of the day simply wants to be part of the group, to be accepted, and just have friends. I’ve always told myself that I’ll be that friend and do all I can to make sure someone isn’t left out. You don’t have to travel around the globe to make a difference in the world. Sometimes you can make a difference in the room you’re currently standing in.

Do kind things.

FknBucky




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