Posts Tagged ‘die

02
Jun
24

No More Air for FknBucky

By Bucktown 2 Comments
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Let’s face it you are all a bunch of sick puppies that want to know the details of FknBucky almost dying. You will get them because I promised to always be honest on here. It has been a very dark road and one I wish I could have avoided, but I will make jokes cause that is what I do. If I was about to be shot in the head, I would ask the shooter to promise to tell the hospital that I did NOT die of Covid. It is just who I am. Marry a funny man if you want to have a fun life. I’m taking apps (women only), bunch of savages….

FYI, My hand and arm are still numb and won’t work correctly. My strength is about 40%. Prayers and respect to all Quads. If you know a Quad or see one, give them an hug and say how amazing their strength is. Some of the strongest people on Earth. As my hand comes back I’ll be able to type and blogs will come faster.

On to dying. I was at home for days stuck in bed feeling sick. I couldn’t get up to take Annie outside or feed her. I could not get up to use the restroom properly and my home became a complete mess. It was overwhelming in so many ways and very disheartening to a person like me that demands the best from myself. To no longer have the strength to live with the independence I cherish came very close to crushing my spirit in the ultimate way. It hurt so much inside. I don’t care about pissing on myself as it happens when people get older and when a person is a paraplegic. The disheartening and soul crushing part was not being able to clean up myself.

My Mom (Carol – Thank You so much) came out to help after I admitted I was in a bad way. My breathing was horrid. I’ve been doing it for 45 years, but for some reason I could not get air. I had to sit cross legged with my head down to breathe. Imagine having to stay in one spot/position to get air. It sucked. Life was happening around me, with people coming and going, the lawn being mowed, packages coming, and I was a statue taking small breaths to simply stay alive. After a week, I called an ambulance. Have I ever mentioned how stubborn I am??

In the ER they found my kidney to be infected again. WOW. I could have told them that. I go thru the motions and get checked into room 7911. Small room. First time in my life I had…. Who knows. I started that sentence earlier and can’t remember what the heck I was planning to say. Oh now I do. Oxygen. First time they put the oxygen on me. It was weird. Didn’t get me high though like they say in fight club. Stupid hospital oxygen. I spent days in that room stuck in bed. No moving just fighting to breathe all day and night. Ma spent the night because it was so rough. My eyes were yellow, body beaten down, very little humor or smiles from me, just pain, hurt, and worry.

Day 4 or 5 I was up again. No sleep in the hospital. NONE. Remember my spasms were going crazy the entire time. They always wanted to lay me flat on my back , irritate the kidney, and make my legs & stomach go insane. My stomach spasms are so strong I can’t breathe when they go. It becomes a clamp on my lungs that makes taking a breath impossible. Think about how scary that would be. Sitting there minding your own business and WHAM you can’t bring air into your body with no idea when it will stop. Now imagine it happens a hundred plus times a day/night.

The clock was 6 AM. The nurse and doctor were talking about discharging me that day. My Mom and I insisted that would not be good for me. I told Mom that I would die if they sent me home as I could feel a lot was wrong still. Everything they were doing was not improving my situation. I couldn’t breathe and my spasms were still going crazy. Remember I had been struggling to breathe for weeks, but now it was real. I was gasping and using all the tiny bit of strength I had to get the smallest amounts of air. It is a crazy feeling to try so hard bring air in and get nothing over and over and over and over…. I was getting legit scared. I have a lot I want to do yet in life. I don’t want to die, not like this…. A fast car on a mountain road, spontaneous combustion, a crazy ex-girlfriend and a kid that ain’t mine, or my favorite going out with a smile at a decently old age after giving away every penny I have to those less fortunate than I am.

The more I struggled the more people came into my tiny room to watch me die. The door was a huge wooden one that the nurse and doctor kept shutting very hard which loud noises make my spasms go off making it double hard to breathe again. Once the doctor came in yelling at me and Mama bear yelled “Hey watch your TONE!!!” My Mom sat back and told me to trust the doctors, but when it goes too far this Farm Mama will stab you with a pitch fork.

Breath so bad it deserves 3 pictures.

The big time doctor came in. He had scrubs on and was a, well male, so you know he was in charge.. Oooo that will get some all stirred up. RELAX. Women are super important. Who else would hold stuff while the doctor works???? He was right up in my grill and clearly ate dog poo for breakfast. Worst breath ever. I was dying. He kept telling me to breathe but I was trying to blow his shit breath away. Take air in, no way, not smelling like that. Here comes death. All the money and time to train a doctor they can’t have one day to learn how to pop an ALTOID before getting in the face of a dying person. Heck, you have a woman right there ready to hold them for you. Ha.

If you mad at a couple men/women jokes this blog is going hurt long term. Take a breathe. Smile. See how easy that is. I couldn’t do it the other day. Don’t get upset at stupid words. If you do, you’ll never have a happy day. On to my death.

I had to see my Mom’s face as I going out. No one should ever have to see that. My Mom’s sad/crushed face while smelling shit breath from a doctor telling me to breathe like I somehow forgot in the last 6 seconds. Pretty much the worst way to go. I couldn’t speak anymore. Not sure if I would have said if I could have. Maybe “Goodbye Ma or Someone got a tic tac for dog shit breath doctor here??” It is a toss up. Then I ran out of gas. Completely. I stopped breathing. I had not one more gasp in me. I just stopped.

FknBucky

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01
Apr
22

20

By Bucktown 3 Comments
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Writing. I haven’t done enough as of late. Not sure why as I’ve had plenty to say. That could be part of it. Sometimes I’d rather just keep my opinions to myself and save myself from the drama of having people who barely know me tell me how wrong I am. I know thousands of people from all over the world. It was life goal of mine to meet everyone on the planet. I’ve fallen short, but not from lack of effort. Ready for the blow your mind moment?? Only a handful of people on Earth truly know me. You’ve heard about me, had a beer or ten with me, got a couple pics with me, but none of those things mean you know me.

Do you know what today is??? I can never forget. I think about it every single day. My own personal hell that will never stop. I replay it over and over and over. I have no pause button. No redo. I can’t simply turn it off or ignore it. You look at me with pity only because deep down you know that you could never be strong enough to be me. You think about the easy way out. How you would quit before the game even starts. Anyone can train their body, lift lots of weights, do two hours of cardio, take drugs for faster and bigger gains, but true strength is in ones mind. I see past the muscles. I’ve already won before we start because I know the truth. Your mind is weak and you will give up when anything becomes difficult. I welcome all challengers. Prove me wrong.

What is the point today Bucky?? If you truly know me you wouldn’t ask. The past is just that. Passed. Gone. Never coming back. So why do you dwell on it?? Some of you even attempt to live in it. Refusing to let go. Like a dog, I can smell your fear and self doubt. You can never be great because you’re too scared to fail, to fall, to look foolish, to have the spotlight on you, and when your time comes you will die. Some will cry, some will say ”Oh that’s too bad” or ”He/She was a good person”, but after a few days it will be like you were never here or there. Don’t blame me for saying it, blame yourself for allowing it to happen.

20 years. Long time. Long time for an individual, but barely a drop in the bucket of life. I wrecked that motorcycle 20 years ago today. My spinal cord crushed. My body broken forever. Never to walk again without assistance. A life sentence. No parole, no probation, no time off for good behavior. Just pain. Just hardship. The fake smiles when you say ”You’re so strong” that translates into Thank God it isn’t me, I would kill myself.” Don’t feel bad. I’ve thought about that path many of times. No more falling out of my chair, no more spasms, no more accidents, no more pain, and no more stress when one takes the easy way out.

No more parties, no more visits with my nieces and nephews, no more hugs, no more challenges to overcome, no more puzzles to finish, no more happy, no more surprises, no more frisbee with the pup, no more anything. Just whatever happens after Earth. I have thoughts on the bad, but I let my mind dwell on the good. I overcome the challenges to enjoy the laughter, the good times, the memories we make, and do the best I can everyday to help others enjoy their short time here. To leave the party we call life early is just stupid. At 43 it is just getting good. The music is LOUD, turned up to 11. Pick your poison.

Tupac – California Love https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omfz62qu_Bc

Pantera – F&#King hostile https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QcMhOFAVzE

Oasis – Champagne Supernova https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6cyIG0CRQg

Spooks – Things I’ve seen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3AJ7W-HRa8g

I’m Bucky. If you know me, you know I don’t leave early, heck I don’t show up early. I show up fashionably late with a handle in each hand. A pack of pretty ladies behind me ready to make this night memorable. I pour shots and say ”Who is ready for the hot tub??” Whats that?? Bathing suits are for children. No memory worth having ever started with let me get my suit on. My smile is contagious. My dimples say ”this is a good idea” and thank God neither of those were damaged in that accident.

I could have died that day. Instead I got 20 bonus years that I have not wasted. Wake up. Stop quitting. Be spontaneous. Throw the middle finger up to those who wish to control you. You are not a D or an R. Liberal or Conservative. You’re a person. Capable of having fun, capable of helping others have fun, and hopefully capable of thinking for yourself. Hug your enemy. Pour shots for people that annoy you. Stop being a buzzkill. Stop saying ”you’re so strong” and simply cheers me when I say ”Here is to the next 20!!!”

I love life. It is hard. It sucks sometimes. It is beautiful. It is amazing. Most importantly it will be exactly as you want it to be. Want an adventurous life?? Be adventurous. Want a good life?? Be good to yourself and others. Want a crap life?? Fill your head with self doubt and treat those around you horribly. I promise you’ll have all the crap you can handle.

Don’t be weak in your mind. Be kind to everyone. Learn to enjoy failure, but learn from each time. Turn the music UP. Stay up late once in a while. Most importantly remember you are never too old to flip the bird to those that try to control you.

FknBucky

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08
Apr
21

Hate Soup. I’ll have two bowls please!!

By Bucktown Leave a Comment
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I took some time off from writing after the 1st. That day is always an odd one for me. I always tell myself that it is just a day like all the rest, but our minds pile on all this needless BS when it comes to dates for this and that. Days are days, and just because it sucked one time does not mean it will suck every year. Yet I allow myself to get sucked into the web of pointless feelings. I try very hard to not stress over things I can not change. Try as I will it still happens. Kind of like how so many of us try to stay young forever and never die. None of us will cheat death in the end. We all pay the piper, but our actions and attitude until then create how we will be remembered.

Okay we all die, now on to the point today. It is weird that I have to consciously force myself to not watch the news. It is crap. They all have an agenda and feeding you what you want to hear regardless of truth or fact seems to be the recipe for success these companies have bought into. I have unplugged and I hope you learn to as well. The division I see on the TV is complete insanity. I get along with everyone I meet in real life, but the TV tells me I should hate this group and that group. I say Fuck you TV. I pick who I hate. Let’s see if you’ve been paying attention. Number 1 on my hate list?? The son of a gun that invented Voicemail. I will gladly sign up for time travel to go back in time and kill this person. Yep that is how much I hate VM.

Number 2 on my list is a new hatred of mine. It has always been there, but I didn’t recognize it until recently. What do you think or who do you think it is??? That little green Geico lizard. He needs to die. For the good of mankind. Now that we are here it is quite fitting the car insurance business is #2 (get it??) and we should kill them all. These bloodsuckers have pushed to far. I’m supposed to watch countless commercials on TV, hear them on the radio, read billboard signs while driving, and who knows what else telling me how much I can save?? Bullcrap. All that advertising is stupid expensive along with all the celebrities you have on those commercials to tell me to trust the General. Eff off Shaq. Your big ass can’t make a free throw, but somehow I’m supposed to trust a cartoon military guy with my car insurance because you say so??? Nope. Car insurance companies are black hearted pieces of poop.

Feels good to hate doesn’t it?? Makes you feel powerful when you give into the dark side. Forgiveness?? Not in this lifetime. I’m going to carry my hate around like a club ready to smash anyone in the face that doesn’t hate with me. My hate is for good you see so I’m morally obligated to whip my hate out and hit people with it. That is how we create good in the world. Hmmmm. Sounds kinda dumb when you say it like. Shut up Bucky, my hate is accepted by Twitter. Good for you. You’ve just proved to me you’re an idiot. And an asshole, but mostly an idiot.

Who is going to be number 3?? So many choices, but this next one could be number one someday. They show no signs of slowing down or have they already slowed down??? Yep. I’m talking about you left lane driver!! OOooo I hate you so much. What the heck happened to you?? What kind of insane abuse did you take as a kid to become this person?? When I’m using my time machine to kill Voicemail guy, I will go back into time (for free) and murder your ancestors simply so the DNA string you are a part of no longer exists. Yeah that is what the 47 drivers behind you are thinking as you camp out in the left lane doing 66 mph in a 65 speed limit zone. Thankfully the idiot in the right lane is doing 65.5 mph so technically you are passing him in about 17 minutes while the 47 other drivers want to go 93 mph. Great job enforcing the law loser. Man I hate you. So much. If hate was a soup, I would eat two bowls with a really big spoon just for you.

Alright. Having some fun with hate today. It can be funny to hate things that can’t hate back. When you make that decision to “hate” someone that can hate back you have to be prepared for the escalation that will most certainly occur. No one wants to be hated and the natural reaction is to hate back twice as hard. Here is something you’re going to hate. It doesn’t matter if you hate AOC, Nancy Pelosi, or Donald Trump. If you do hate any of those people you are all in a group together. You are the haters. Hate is hate. Once you allow that into your heart it doesn’t make a difference who you hate. That hate will grow, expand, and start to take over other feelings like compassion, understanding, and just being rational. Don’t fall for it. Anyone or anything that tells you or encourages you to hate something NEVER has your best interest at heart. No. They want to use you to get something they want regardless of the toll it will take on you. You don’t matter as a person to them. They need your hate to fuel their agenda. These types of people will use you up, never even know your name, and throw you out for a younger more energetic model every time.

So don’t give in to them. Choose to be kind. It is our most powerful weapon against this current hate filled atmosphere. I will not participate in the outrage/hate game. Remember most of the time the loudest “Victim” is often the worst perpetrator. I’m reminded of a murder case in San Diego. A young blond girl was killed on the 15 freeway area. A state trooper was on the local news telling young women how to be more cautious because of the threat driving alone at night created. 3 months later they found out he was the bastard that killed her. Here is the link to that info.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Cara_Knott

I have had several people tell me this blog helped them set anger/hate aside at some situation in life allowing them to choose kindness instead. To me that is a win. I always think of a world where people think about others before themselves. It isn’t impossible. All you have to do is join me. One person at a time we will change the world we live in.

I appreciate you all. Be Kind. Be informed. Be yourself.

FknBucky

P.S. FknBucky shirts are taking shape. I have picked the style of shirt and will ok the font/wording tomorrow. Exciting.

17
Mar
21

RIP Sabine Schmitz

By Bucktown Leave a Comment
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I don’t know if you have ever watched this show, but I have and love it. 51 years old is still too young. There was a time in my life that I thought I didn’t want to live past 25. I almost made that come true crashing that darn motorcycle at 24. I think back and catch myself thinking how much it sucks to have wrecked that bike and become a paraplegic, but I have to be realistic and remember that I was a pretty crazy guy back in those days. If it wasn’t the bike it would have been one of the other 100 crazy decisions I made on a weekly basis. Want to know how crazy I was back then ask around. I’m sure there are plenty of people with FknBucky stories. Where do you think the nickname came from???

Back to the show. I love it and this particular clip with Sabine driving a transport van at these speeds just make me happy. I would gladly go for that ride any day. I love going fast. I love when my heart beat increases and one wrong move could mean death. I am never more alive than in that exact moment. I don’t know why I am that way, I just know I am. I did the ride along in a Nascar, but was bored. I literally let out a couple of fake zero emotion “whoohoos” just because I felt sorry for the guy driving. He thought this “cripple” was going to have the time of his life, but in reality I kept thinking this is stupid, I want to drive. The highlight of the day was the anal cavity search I underwent while two clueless guys tried to lift me over the wall to get onto the track. I would have liked dinner first, but like usual they just raped me and left me. Bastards.

The 35 other people waiting patiently in line had no idea it was 2:1 day at the track. Getting to ride along in a real NASCAR and seeing FknBucky’s bare white ass all in one morning. Must have been a very special moment for all of them. Back to my girl Sabine Schmitz. Watching the clip above just made me smile. I wish I could have met her in person because people like that are rare and I always enjoy hearing stories from people that are willing to push the line. I have this feeling our three week love affair would have been special. Meeting women like this is always awesome, but after a couple weeks when we remember our personalities make it impossible to settle down. I have lots of great memories for the two weeks of madness. I’m a Leo, we burn hot and fast, but always need more fuel…

I hope watching the clip gives you a bit of inspiration to chase a dream you have. For a woman to be a respected race car driver is no easy task. Things are a bit easier nowadays, but there is still a lot of proving to be done before anyone is accepted in that small group of people. Words don’t mean a thing. You still have to prove it on the asphalt which is where the truth always comes out. The truth always has a way of showing up at the most in opportune times so be careful if you stray from it. Sooner or later it will come out. I can only imagine Sabine had a dream and went for it.

She lost a battle with Cancer. I hope someday we can find a way to cure it. I used to volunteer at a Childrens hospital with many of the kids having this awful disease. It broke my heart every Tuesday. With adults you simply hope they enjoyed their life as much as possible in the 51 or whatever years they have. When it is an 8 year old boy/girl it just sucks that much more. It simply reminds all of us how fragile our lives really are. In no time at all yours can be taken. Don’t wait for the right moment. Create the moment. Encourage those around you to shoot for the stars. Help when you can. No better feeling in the world than watching someone reach a goal that you helped get them there. Enjoy the moment with them, but leave your part out. Don’t expect a shout out every time you do something kind.

This incredible woman should be celebrated and losing her so young is a reason for us all to mourn. Chase your dreams, they go by fast so you gotta be ready, and live everyday like it is your last. This doesn’t be reckless and stupid, but rather question what is it that makes you truly happy. I love to make people laugh and write. I have no formal teaching for either of those. I’m shooting from the hip on this whole blog thing, but it makes me happy. No one is going to agree with me 100% of the time, hell I don’t even agree with me 100% of the time. I look back at things I wrote and think “Damn that was stupid”. Admitting mistakes and learning from them is the best education you will ever get. Can’t make mistakes to learn from if you never get into the game.

Drive fast, take chances.

FknBucky

25
Jan
21

2 things

By Bucktown Leave a Comment
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I made a promise to myself that I would find time to write or at least post something everyday. I love to write and honestly most of the time it just pours out of me once my fingertips touch the keyboard. I’m really bad at expressing emotion or feelings by talking, but I can write them out and sometimes I share. Mostly because I believe if I’m thinking about something there is a good chance someone else is as well. I have said in the past that I usually write things I need to hear personally, almost like I’m writing a note to myself, and definitely not intending to preach to others. Life is difficult and I’ll never judge another person on the way they choose to go about it, unless they hurt innocent people in their quest for whatever it is they seek. There is no excuse for stepping on others to get what you want.

As I mourn the loss from yesterday I need to put things back into perspective.

Here is a poem I heard once that I think about sometimes. It is humorous and has a great message of don’t let trivial BS take over your life.

“There are only two things you need to worry about about, either you are healthy or sick.

If you are healthy there is nothing to worry about.

If you are sick then there are only two things to worry about, either you get well or you die.

If you get well there is nothing to worry about.

If you die there are only two things to worry about, either you go to Heaven or Hell.

If you go to Heaven you have nothing to worry about.

If you go to hell you will be so busy shaking hands with friends that you won’t have time worry.”

Thanks,

FknBucky

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