Posts Tagged ‘fall

16
Jun
22

Sometimes I want to punch the world

Look at the pretty lights Bucky and ignore the chaos around you. It worked last night for a while. I meant every word in that blog yesterday. Some days are harder than others to ”Be Present” and blam today happened. I can’t explain why life works out this way, but I can share it with you so you understand you’re not alone. Or maybe I’m hoping one of you will share a story with me so I don’t feel alone. Facebook, Instagram, Tic Tok, Paddy whack, give a dog a bone is all BS. Nobody is happy all the time and most of the photos you see from “influencers” are fake. They use your ”like” exactly the same as a politician uses your vote. To better their portfolios, enrich themselves, and once they have it they move on to the next forgetting you exist. You are now number 183,085 and nothing else.

I got sidetracked there. I got back from my magic walk last night and made a massive bowl of dip. It is my new thing. I found a recipe online to get me started and I’ve been using different things to make it my own. If you’ve ever had the pleasure to eat something I cooked you know I don’t mess around. Everything is fresh and from scratch. The Apple Pie that started this, the blueberry cheesecake, chicken tortilla soup, beef stroganoff, tator tot casserole, and don’t forget the cinnamon rolls! I use sour cream, plain yogurt, jalapeños, spinach, green onions, cucumbers, and strawberries in this masterpiece. Everything fresh and blended together with a bunch of seasonings. I’m happy to share if you want to be the coolest person at your 4th of July party. Well 2nd coolest. Everyone knows the guy or gal that shoot a bottle rocket from their butt crack is the coolest person on Earth. If you serve veggies with homemade dip while shooting a bottle rocket out of your butt is guaranteed to make you a LEGEND. Ask my brother Jer about being a LEGEND, but NEVER give him bottle rockets or a lighter.

Morning time. Always a challenge with the leg spasms. Some days they are crazier than others, but it is 100% going to be the first thing I deal with every morning. Just think if 3/4’s of your body decided to cramp at the same moment. It is violent, painful, and usually results in me falling over backwards or sideways. If I’m ”lucky” I will be able to grab a table, bed, sofa, or anything to prevent the paralyzed backflip I’m trying to do. Maybe I could do the ParaOlympics… FknBucky takes the gold in the flip over backwards to smash the back of your head onto the concrete floor. Concrete is not soft if you aren’t sure. This morning I was saved by the night stand next to my bed as it prevented the chair from going all the way over.

I now know it is going to be like that today. I get dressed and cruise out to the kitchen so I can try this awesome dip I made yesterday evening. I take GREAT CARE with the bowl of dip on my lap because of the spasms. I currently have a work bench set up in my living room because I can. I put the dip on said workbench and start looking at some emails while I’m crushing some celery and dip. It is fantastic. I’m super stoked on my awesome culinary skills. BLAM spasm. My elbow goes straight into the bowl of dip. Right in the center of it. I’m going down and grab at anything I can to stop that from happening. Everything but me falls. 3 seconds ago I was patting myself on how great the dip turned out. Now I’m wearing half of it and see the other half all over my floor. It took me a good amount of time to make that dip and now it is gone.

Anger is an emotion and in this case it can be a verb. I was sad as well. All that work. All the money spent. All the time I spent. All of it on my floor. No five second rule here. Just a massive mess that needs to be cleaned up. As you can guess leaning all the way over cleaning up dip is not the easiest task a person can do. Very frustrating. You might be asking ”What is the point here Bucky??”

There isn’t one. What is the reason my hard work is on the floor?? Sometimes life is a real jerk. Nothing you can do about that. What you can do is control your attitude and your reaction to moments like this. I could have handled it better today, but I was mad. Being mad was wasted energy though. It did nothing to better my situation as I threw something that knocked over my Grapefruit flavored Celsius. Now my remote, phone, and some paperwork is soaking wet because I threw a tantrum. Pretty stupid.

I got more ingredients today. I’ll make more. Just like yesterday I need to remember the blessings. I have a great career and own my own company, I have amazing friends, my family loves me (well most of them), I have an amazing fur friend, and most importantly I wake up everyday being FknBucky. I write and share these moments for 2 reasons. First – I want it out of my head. Once I write about a situation I can stop thinking about it. Secondly – I hope that people that read this will drop the anchors of negativity they drag around, realize crap happens to everyone, and learn to tackle their problems with a smile.

FknBucky

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Our brother Ryan Cooper is still waiting for justice. Please never stop saying his name and asking who did this?? We will learn what happened and hold that person accountable.

07
Nov
21

Fallen Leaves

As mentioned before I will ask anyone that knows anything to please talk with authorities. Ryan Cooper was one of the kindest humans to be on this planet and his time here was cut short by some horrible person. I have other adjectives, but won’t put them in print. He deserves justice and I truly believe those responsible will be found and punished.

I look at the world objectively I think. I see things and think about them, analyze movements, differences from one time to another. I have a few friends that I’ve made along the way that can read situations and people as if they have a huge blinking sign above them. I’m kind of good at this sort of thing, but the few friends I speak of don’t even know they have this gift. One of them is a friend from high school and none of you would believe me if I told you who it was. I am in awe of it.

It is fall. It is cold. There are leaves everywhere. The ground, the road, sidewalks, my patio, and simply everywhere. I took Annie for a walk this AM and looked at all the leaves on the ramp we take everyday to the neighborhood we walk in. I remembered playing with her last year when she was about 6 months old. She loved the leaves. They crackled and I threw them in the air like bubbles a small child would blow. She would chase them around jumping and playing like those leaves were the coolest thing ever. It was fun, innocent, and a memory I have now. I didn’t think much of it until I watched her run up that ramp for the 900th time today and pay no attention to those leaves. One year ago they were the greatest, now they are nothing.

It happens to all of us. Things that were a must have one day become trivial and needless the next. A certain set of legos, a pair of shoes, a car you just have to have. As we get older we experience less “new” in our lives. We allow it to happen and it starts out very slow. Growing up there are lots of news. New toys, new friends, new experiences, traveling, sex, relationships, clubs, bars, drugs, drinking, and the list can go on, but at some point things become the same. The same friends, the same relationship, the same bar, the same job. You drive the same route to work everyday passing the same yellow civic on their way to work at 7:45 AM.

I think people get bored. The adventure of life is gone. I fall into this trap. Maybe that is why I moved across the country to a state I’ve never been to before at 38 years old. I am addicted to the adventure of life. I want to see everything, talk to everyone, and understand every culture there is. I dream of sailing around the world, putting the anchor down in some place I’ve never heard of, and then making lifelong friends that live there. I can’t think of a better way to live. I would leave today if the opportunity presented itself. If you’re a female (at birth) and this sounds like send me a message and lets do some crazy shit. ha.

Some people thrive in a structured environment. I think I thrive in chaos. I love people and things that are unpredictable. The world isn’t filled with people like me, but with those that follow the rules and do what is normal from what I can tell. Truth is most people have the ”action” gene in them, but it gets drowned out by the sounds of Get a Job, Raise a Family, Pay your Taxes, and all the rest of the noise drilled into our heads as we grow up. I’m not sure what the point of this blog is, but I felt like writing about it. I guess it is just important to remember to throw some leaves in the air once in a while. Be unpredictable. Give someone you hate a $100 bill.

Don’t worship money or possessions as they mean nothing. Nice to have nice things, but you can’t appreciate them if you’ve never been without them. Live however you want as long as it doesn’t hurt others. I’m tired of people telling others what they should and shouldn’t do. Get out of the rut and do things that scare you. I learned how to bake an apple pie from scratch simply because I wanted to see if I could do it. Then I made sure that it is the greatest apple pie ever. I’m just like you and forget to enjoy the leaves of life from time to time, but I write this blog to remind all of us that they only thing holding you back from adventure is you.

I wish you all a wonderful Sunday. The best way to help yourself is to help others.

FknBucky

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20
Sep
21

Just Fix it

A lot of time has gone by since I’ve written a blog. Well one I’m actually going to share. It has been a hard summer personally for me and for a lot of people I know. I found myself going further and further into this funk that didn’t seem to brush off. I don’t know why and I couldn’t shake it off like I normally do. The hits kept coming. I’m strong, but even strong people only have so deep they can go. The deepest of wells that hold willpower eventually have a bottom. I came to the realization that no matter what I do next year is going to be harder than this one. The one after that will be harder yet. That is a tough thing to admit to yourself.

Truth is I need to get into shape and get my weight down. The COVID excuse is over and it is time to find some actual willpower. My shoulder is super sore. I have trouble transferring right now that leads me to fall trying to get into my van. Usually worse in the AM because of my spasms. When I lift to get into my van my whole body flexes and makes me go into the fetal position which makes it impossible to get my butt on the seat. Depending on the slope of the land around me my chair will either stay put or push away just far enough I can’t get back into it. Yeah I have to think that thru every time I park. I fell this AM getting into my van so that wound is still fresh.

I don’t tell you these things for sympathy, but rather so you see how real life is. I got up, continued my day with a smile, and left the anger, the hurt, and the weakness back in the parking lot. No reason to drag that bullshit around the rest of the day. I also found my way to shaking the funk off and it came from the easiest of things to do. Be myself. Just be Bucky and stop trying to analyze my problems to death. I’m fat. Lose weight. Pretty damn simple. We tend to overcomplicate the shit out of problems we face. Stop eating sugar/candy all day. Drink water instead of soda, Gatorade, and the rest of the crap. Willpower. Simple.

I also got back to doing for others. This is a huge part of my life. When my time is done and I’m standing at the gates of Big Bang Theory, I want them to say ”Wow Bucky, you made a difference everyday to someone’s life.” That to me is the most important thing I can do with my life. Just help others. Stop spending all day worrying about things you can’t/won’t solve overnight. I use my weight as the example here. Dwelling on it 24/7 is not going to speed the process up, but it will kill me on the inside if I don’t stop. Find ways to make the world better around you which will keep your mind from dwelling. You don’t have to go build a house with habitat for humanity right out of the gate. Baby steps.

I walk Annie in the same area almost every single day. There is a dog poop trash can that I deposit Annie’s little treasures into every day. I noticed on Thursday the lid was not attached any longer. The bolt had rusted out leaving the lid in limbo. This is a bag full of dog shit in 100 degree heat. To say it smells is, well true. It smells really really really bad. Having the lid on helps keep the smell down to a minimum. On Friday I went by and the lid is on the ground about 4 feet from the can. Not good. I thought man they need to fix that shit. Fast forward to Saturday. The lid is still on the ground and the smell is worse than Joe Biden’s breath. Hard to have fresh breath with your head up your ass all day. I instantly think “fuck it” I gotta fix this damn thing. It wasn’t hard and took very little time.

I went back to my apartment, found some bolts, and then went up to fix it. Two problems. First bolt was skinny enough, but not long enough to go thru both holes. Second ones were to fat and would not go thru the hole no matter how hard I pushed. So I gave up and said ”screw it”. Let someone else deal with it. ha. No chance. By the way if you are giggling at my bolts that is why we are friends. I went back to my apartment to look around for something to solve this problem. That is when I saw them. Almost standing with their hand up saying pick me!! You guessed it. Zip Ties. Suck it Poop Can. I’m came to win.

I put the lid back on and used two zip ties per side. It was dark outside and no one walked by while i was doing this so I’m not getting any credit for it. If you only do good things to get praise you need to rethink your philosophy. Do good things because it is the right thing to do. If you see something wrong and you have the ability to fix it, then do it. I grew up on a farm. You didn’t walk by problems with fixing it. It didn’t matter who was to blame for it, if you got credit for it, but it did matter it got done. Walking thru the barn and notice a bag of corn is leaking out then you fix it. Whether it was you or someone else, that bag of corn had to be picked up. We have gotten to a place that many people will say ”Look at that, how wasteful, someone should really pass a law saying corn should be sold in stainless steel packaging.”

Everyone is so focused on solving the problems of the whole damn country. Fix your own backyard. Help your neighbor. Stop trying to ”fix” some person in Rhode Island that don’t want you. Pick up that one split bag of corn and go about your life. Imagine a world where everyone took pride in their home and worked to make the world better by fixing their own neighborhood. Lead by example. Trust me, if you do it enough people will notice, and if you’re not a self righteous prick they will follow your lead.

Be awesome, be happy, and be the guy/gal that puts the lid on the shit bucket.

I hope you’re ready. FknBucky has a lot to say!

FknBucky

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26
Feb
21

Lesson Time

The last couple days tested me to see if I would break, but we all know that isn’t happening. Not now, not ever. I don’t get bothered by being knocked down. It will never stop happening so why let it get to you??? To many of us have forgotten how important that lesson is for ourselves AND for the leaders of tomorrow. Our kids need to be knocked down. Sometimes two days in a row. Learning to handle life when it isn’t going your way is one of the most important lessons adults can give to kids. When you have the strength to say “Not today”, I’m not going to let some BS get to me today the world changes. It becomes less scary. You know that no matter what happens you are going to handle it.

Once I get past the “mother F**#^&$R, God DS&^$, Son of a B*#^$ moments on the floor I do what it takes to get back up. I believe I needed to learn that lesson or at least remind myself that we don’t get to pick when “hard times” come. We can only react to it. Luckily we have 100% control on how we react to the hard. What is your reaction?? Do you even know?? Has someone loved you enough to let you fall two days in a row and figure it out on your own??? I sure hope so. You simply have to accept that things happen in life. Sometimes those things are two days in a row and it sucks, but you have to rise above the suck or like a T-Shirt I have seen before “Embrace the Suck.”

I have the strength to forget portions of things. There is just something about me that has always understood that the lesson is important so learn it, keep it, file it, but let the rest of the BS go. Drop it like an old pair of shoes. Later. There was a day back when I was snowboarding that I won’t ever forget. I may have shared this story before, but here it is again. This guy from Chicago who was very charismatic was in the snowboard shop. All the employees (about 5-6) were gathered around him during slow time laughing. He was most likely in his 50’s, but cool. I wasn’t in the group yet but noticed a group of people laughing and I was going join that. I walked up saying something cause that is what I do and this gentleman looked me up and down. The group stopped and it was just him staring at me. Then he said “F*ck you.” I cocked my head like Annabel does when she is trying to understand me. I thought I have to fight this old man?? I hope he took multi-vitamin because IA/WI was about to be represented proper. He repeated it adding “F*ck you, You’re that guy.”

Now I’m curious. Smiling at him I’m like what?? He said ”You’re that guy. No matter what happens you are always okay.” I just went from expecting an ass kicking cause if you have ever been in a real fight you know better than to fight “old men”. They are meaner than your dumbass. A young buck like myself had to worry about looking cool, but old men don’t give a F about looking cool. They will hit you with a board, walk away slowly sipping their coffee, and probably buy you a beer later unless you’re a super d-bag. Don’t fight old men. Okay, but now I’m trying to understand what he meant. The whole group was looking at me when he repeated it. He said “No matter what happens, you’re always okay.” I couldn’t argue the point. He was right. How he could see that so quickly has always been a mystery to me. I had self confidence for days so maybe that?? It stuck with me and I’ve drawn strength from those words a complete stranger said to me many many times. I would love to see him again. Let me know if you run into him. He was a tall black man from Chicago that told funny jokes. There that should narrow it down.

I had way different ideas for blogs this week, but sometimes a different message demands to be shared. I can only assume someone that reads this blog needed to hear about me falling two days in a row only to get right back up smiling two days in a row. The smashed screen on my IPad is a bummer, but it is a thing and I promise you there is NOT one possession I have that if taken away will ruin my day. Ef that. I will never let any worldly possession be that important to me. Try it. It is liberating. Of course I’ll be bummed as some things are cool, but it is only stuff. Memories and friendships. That is where you put ALL of your focus and you’ll have a very fulfilling life. Feel free to donate on my non-existent Go Fund Me Page so I can buy a new IPAD.

ACTUALLY I do know of a person in need right now of some help. I will put the link below. Every dollar is important so please help if you can.

If you can’t help financially please simply share it. The more people that see it, the more help we can do. EVERY dollar helps so no donation is too small. This is a person who’s living situation has become very difficult. The only bathroom is upstairs and do to the progression of his CP he is no longer able to climb the stairs. Take a moment and imagine that. Thousands if not millions of people overcome insane obstacles to simply survive, and you’re crying about what exactly??? Don’t worry there is no my problems are bigger than yours competition, but sometimes understanding what others go thru can help give us strength to tackle our own problems.

I feel good this AM and don’t worry I’m so paranoid about falling again that I’ve rearranged my living room. Probably should have done that after the first fall, but I assumed that was a fluke. Now I know that lightening will strike twice in the world of FknBucky so I had better be ready for it. So remember just because something hard happened to you yesterday doesn’t make you immune to it today. When it happens you have to take a moment for anger, shame, and sadness, but then move on. That poor me baggage will weigh YOU down. No one else. Personally I’m going to look for extra ways to spread kindness today. It will make me feel awesome knowing that I took the energy from falling and passed it on as a positive for someone. I could easily use that energy and snap at someone else to make them feel like crap. If I’m hurt then someone else should be too. That is a stupid thing to do so don’t do it.

Take a breath, take a moment, and then do something kind for anyone expecting nothing in return. The expecting nothing IS the most important part. Do kind things because it is the right thing to do and builds positive character in you. You can’t buy positive character no matter how much money you have, but you can earn it every single day for free.

Happy Friday

FknBucky

25
Feb
21

Round 2 Un-flippin-believable.

I think I have to stop writing. The world is just not working for me. I can’t make this stuff up and honestly who would want to. This day has been going awesome. I got a ton of work done this AM, had a fantastic Yoga session with Moonbeam (greatest yoga/life coach ever), and ate healthy all day cause FknBucky needs to lose some FknWeight. Yesterday I took a pretty hard fall which happens but not that often. It sucked and I had to let go of the anger immediately or I would be pissed off all day. Wow that is strong Bucky. Yep, not easy, but very necessary to live a happy life.

I have no idea why as my spasms are usually much more manageable in the afternoon, but today like a rogue wave in the Bering Sea my legs decided Ef You Bucky and went for it again. Luckily I went over backwards this time so I could use the back of my head on the concrete floor to soften my fall. Yeah that will and did leave a mark. I can only assume it happened again so I can write it up for you to read. I just don’t understand sometimes why everything has to go to level 10 with me. It is always that way and I just accept it, but damn some days it just plain sucks.

Luckily the screen on my IPAD PRO got smashed this time. Having nice things is weird to me so thankfully it is now cracked and broken. Not just the screen protector, but deep down the screen is dust. Keeping my awesome lucky streak alive I called around to see about getting my IPAD repaired and it will be at least $650. $650 I didn’t need to spend 15 minutes ago. Thanks leg spasms. You’re the best at making sure I never get ahead. This sucks a lot, but hey this is FknBucky and we make sure shit is really jacked up when we screw up. The screen and parts needed are indefinitely back ordered, my warranty time with Apple Care is past, and my only option is to buy a new IPAD. To replace this one with the same features is going to cost me $1,500 that again I didn’t have to spend 20 minutes ago. If I try to give myself the “let it go” speech right now there is a good chance I’ll beat myself to death with my broken IPad.

That isn’t true. I am literally allowing the anger and frustration melt away thru this keyboard right now. I haven’t fallen in a while so to have it happen two days in a row is baffling, but I can’t change it. Crying about it and feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to make it all better or allow me to go back in time and stop it from happening. I remind myself that it is only money. The bump on the back of my head could have been worse as a lot of people hit their heads and don’t wake up. I am refusing to let this ruin my day. I did plan to meet a friend at the dog bar, but I backed out of that plan simply because I need to shower and I’m not ready for the carnage that goes on there.

Whatever it is in your life I promise you can overcome it. No matter how badly you want to stay mad at that person you need to just let it go. That anger is robbing you of precious time not the person you are mad at. I am not going to let my leg spasms take control of my emotions and let them waste my time. There is no difference in what I should do today from yesterday. Letting it go immediately yesterday was the right thing to do and it is the right thing to do now. But it is two days in a row Bucky. Yep it sure was and that sucks. Giving more energy and time to the “fall” will not change a thing.

If letting go was easy I wouldn’t need to write a blog about it. I will get a new screen or IPad finding the money somewhere. Who really needs two kidneys? I mean really I’m just being greedy having a spare around. I’m sure after all the drinking and drugs I did in my past I can get $30-40 bucks for the left one. The right one and I go way back, we actually dated the same girl back in the day. There is a history there. Here is the end all deal. I will figure it out. I always do and today will be no different.

So let my fall be your teacher. Letting go is a skill and one that you have to practice or it doesn’t work.

I am going to tie myself down tomorrow as enough is enough. For the record I had a great blog idea before this happened. Guess it will have to wait for tomorrow.

Be kind to others.

FknBucky

29
Jan
21

Pull your pants up

Okay it isn’t morning anymore, but I went back and forth on publishing this. I question how much I want to share about my personal shit, but in the end if I can help one person say “You know I could do better..” then it is completely worth it.

Friday morning. I’ve been up for a few hours already as my leg spasms have been brutal lately. They will literally kick nonstop until I get up. Worst alarm clock ever. The smile you see me with takes work. It is easy to be in a pissy mood or upset at things that are not perfect in life. It isn’t like I wake up, put my happy to be paralyzed pants on, and come out into the world to be an inspiration to you. Nope that is not how it works.

Usually my legs start kicking around 4 am. This followed by me rolling over 20 times praying I’ll find the perfect position to let me sleep another couple hours. It has been 18 years and that position is still a mystery to me, but I’m no quitter and still try every morning. Once I get angry enough I usually curse my legs, the bed, air, Obama, Trump, and anything else I can think of until I focus on Annabel. Then I have to use my nice voice or she thinks she is in trouble. Next time I train a dog I’m going to make yelling angry Bucky my normal voice and she will be in trouble when I start talking like a pansy.

I usually spend 10-15 minutes trying to get my pants on first thing in the day. My spasms make it extremely difficult as they fight me every inch. Annie also thinks my pants are the greatest tug of war partner ever. I mean my legs kick at her while she is fighting my pants so she is like game on!! It is funny cause I tell her no every time, but she always be back again. I guess she is no quitter either. My morning spasms are so strong that I have to back up next to a wall, my bed, or anything while putting pants on because they will spasm violently causing me to fall over backwards. This has happened more times than I can count. When I go over backwards I know my head is going to hit hard and then right after my paralyzed leg/knee comes down also hitting me square in the nose which freaking hurts. This creates next level anger and cursing. A kid once asked me how many swear words Murphy knew. I answered all of them.

I have my moment laying on the floor, then i figure out a plan to get back into my chair, and get it done. I don’t share this for sympathy or for anyone to say “oh poor Bucky” because that is not needed. I share for two reasons with the first being getting things out of my head. Once I tell someone or put it down on paper I can forget about whatever it is that has my panties all twisted up. The other reason is it is good for everyone to be reminded that your “stuff” is not all that bad. Whatever you have going on it can always be a 1,000 times worse. So enjoy your Friday. Enjoy your weekend. Most of all enjoy your life.

It is always a choice on how you approach the day. How you interact with other people is a choice which you get to make every single day. If you have been a negative asshole (You know who you are) your entire life the best thing is you can change TODAY. Boom just like that. Good things come to those that expect them. I’m not going to let something as trivial as putting my pants on ruin my day. That would be be stupid. How does that conversation go??

Person: “How you doing Bucky?”

Me: “Worst day ever. I had a hard time putting my pants on. My life sucks.”

Person: “Ahh okay. Well I got to go. Hope you get better.” Walks away muttering “Fucking weirdo.”

Just doing that there makes me able to see things for what they really are. Stupid little things that need to be forgotten the moment it is over. Not dragging that shit around with me all day. If you read the blog about anger you will get this reference. I take that anger brick about pants and I throw that bitch back. I’m blessed in the fact I have pants. I have a ton of them. High quality pants. I grew up poor on the farm with only 2 pairs of pants. Good pants for church and barn pants that were covered in shit all the time.

I am not willing to give up the good things I have in life because putting pants on is hard. It most likely isn’t pants in your life, but there is something that gets you daily. Choose to let it go instantly. Don’t let it grow roots or start attaching itself long term. Identify whatever that shit is and say okay that happened, but I’m moving on with a smile. Take this exact moment to do a random act of kindness for a stranger. You will forget about all the trivial shit in a heartbeat.

Do kind things. Always. Life will be instantly better.

FknBucky




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