Posts Tagged ‘happy



27
Feb
21

Poop Bag Character

I am a student of life. I’m amazed at the behavior of people and wonder about how they can be so lazy when it comes to thinking of others above themselves. I witness dozens of interactions every week that could go so much better if people simply took a moment to see how they can make the world better with a simple action. I do my best to think about other people and actively look to find a way I can do something for them making the world a tiny bit better. You don’t have to be Oprah and give everyone a free car to do something life changing for a stranger.

The other day I took Annabel out for a long walk. I usually take about 5 poop bags with me. Trust me this puppy is healthy and like her human Dad completely full of shit. Ha. Figured I’d get a ahead of that one. No softballs here buddy. I don’t usually need that many, but I would rather have extra than not enough. Old lessons from living on the farm. Always take an extra one or two because the one time you need them, you’re going to be real glad you did. I usually bag up the Annie treasures and then leave them on a corner or place I know I’m coming back to. No need to carry a poop bag around. On the way home after doing our laps thru the neighborhood I can grab all the bags and put them into the trash can.

The trash can is a dog poop station if you will. A pole with a trash can and the top of it has poop bags for people that don’t bring one with them. I always take them with me from my home and refill at the drop off, but hey I’m smart. So this particular day I made my deposit and noticed there were no more bags for other people. Not my problem right?? I turned and started rolling away, but that voice in my head said “You can do better Bucky.” The voice was right and I could do better. I had two unused bags in my pocket. I turned around and put those two bags in the empty box so that the next two people would have a bag. I was able to help two random people, but more importantly I was able to help keep my environment clean of dog poop.

It took almost no effort from me, no one would know what I did (until I share it here), and it helped someone else be a responsible person and pick up after their dog. I share because it really is that easy to be a good person. I hope that you go out and actively LOOK for places to make a positive difference in your neighborhood. People see you doing good things and it is contagious. I need no praise or someone to say good job, but what does make me feel proud is when others follow my lead. That means I’m doing my job as a human. This reminds me of a time I was dropping the nephews off at the airport.

We were checking in at the main area when some how the box of luggage tags got knocked over and spilled everywhere. I didn’t do it so it wasn’t my problem. I mean they have people that work there so I could just ignore it and go on with my life. Who cares if the line is super long and the guy behind the counter is doing all he can to move people thru faster. Now he has to pick up all these luggage tags while I watch. We both know that isn’t what happened. Actually my nephew set his bag down and started to pick them all up. Organizing them to go back into the box like they were supposed to and I could not have been prouder of that kid. Without prompting he simply did what was right and kind. Remember someone is always watching what actions you take. I hope you set a good example.

I have another person I used to know back in my snowboarding days that told me a story about how he found a wallet while out walking with his daughter. He bragged to me that it had a couple hundred dollars in it which he kept and then threw the wallet into a trash can. He justified his actions by saying the guy gave him a dirty look while he parked his car. I have no idea why this individual thought I would be impressed by his crap story. It makes me sad because this young lady is learning wrong and her Dad is a D-Bag thief. He had such an opportunity to show his daughter how to be the bigger person (if you believe dirty look story, which I do not), how to do the right thing, and let her experience the feeling a person gets when they do the right thing. If you don’t feel shame when keeping the wallet that makes me even sadder.

So don’t sit back and wait for this perfect moment to do something kind. Look for those moments. Seek them out, experience the feeling you get when doing something kind, and become addicted to that feeling. Trust me you are not that busy, you are not that important, and you are robbing yourself every day you put off doing the random acts of kindness. Like just about everything it isn’t only about you. By being lazy you are most likely robbing someone that looks up to you the lesson of being kind simply because it makes you a better person, a person of integrity, and a person of good character. Don’t rob kids of that lesson.

Do kind things. It really is that simple.

FknBucky

26
Feb
21

Lesson Time

The last couple days tested me to see if I would break, but we all know that isn’t happening. Not now, not ever. I don’t get bothered by being knocked down. It will never stop happening so why let it get to you??? To many of us have forgotten how important that lesson is for ourselves AND for the leaders of tomorrow. Our kids need to be knocked down. Sometimes two days in a row. Learning to handle life when it isn’t going your way is one of the most important lessons adults can give to kids. When you have the strength to say “Not today”, I’m not going to let some BS get to me today the world changes. It becomes less scary. You know that no matter what happens you are going to handle it.

Once I get past the “mother F**#^&$R, God DS&^$, Son of a B*#^$ moments on the floor I do what it takes to get back up. I believe I needed to learn that lesson or at least remind myself that we don’t get to pick when “hard times” come. We can only react to it. Luckily we have 100% control on how we react to the hard. What is your reaction?? Do you even know?? Has someone loved you enough to let you fall two days in a row and figure it out on your own??? I sure hope so. You simply have to accept that things happen in life. Sometimes those things are two days in a row and it sucks, but you have to rise above the suck or like a T-Shirt I have seen before “Embrace the Suck.”

I have the strength to forget portions of things. There is just something about me that has always understood that the lesson is important so learn it, keep it, file it, but let the rest of the BS go. Drop it like an old pair of shoes. Later. There was a day back when I was snowboarding that I won’t ever forget. I may have shared this story before, but here it is again. This guy from Chicago who was very charismatic was in the snowboard shop. All the employees (about 5-6) were gathered around him during slow time laughing. He was most likely in his 50’s, but cool. I wasn’t in the group yet but noticed a group of people laughing and I was going join that. I walked up saying something cause that is what I do and this gentleman looked me up and down. The group stopped and it was just him staring at me. Then he said “F*ck you.” I cocked my head like Annabel does when she is trying to understand me. I thought I have to fight this old man?? I hope he took multi-vitamin because IA/WI was about to be represented proper. He repeated it adding “F*ck you, You’re that guy.”

Now I’m curious. Smiling at him I’m like what?? He said ”You’re that guy. No matter what happens you are always okay.” I just went from expecting an ass kicking cause if you have ever been in a real fight you know better than to fight “old men”. They are meaner than your dumbass. A young buck like myself had to worry about looking cool, but old men don’t give a F about looking cool. They will hit you with a board, walk away slowly sipping their coffee, and probably buy you a beer later unless you’re a super d-bag. Don’t fight old men. Okay, but now I’m trying to understand what he meant. The whole group was looking at me when he repeated it. He said “No matter what happens, you’re always okay.” I couldn’t argue the point. He was right. How he could see that so quickly has always been a mystery to me. I had self confidence for days so maybe that?? It stuck with me and I’ve drawn strength from those words a complete stranger said to me many many times. I would love to see him again. Let me know if you run into him. He was a tall black man from Chicago that told funny jokes. There that should narrow it down.

I had way different ideas for blogs this week, but sometimes a different message demands to be shared. I can only assume someone that reads this blog needed to hear about me falling two days in a row only to get right back up smiling two days in a row. The smashed screen on my IPad is a bummer, but it is a thing and I promise you there is NOT one possession I have that if taken away will ruin my day. Ef that. I will never let any worldly possession be that important to me. Try it. It is liberating. Of course I’ll be bummed as some things are cool, but it is only stuff. Memories and friendships. That is where you put ALL of your focus and you’ll have a very fulfilling life. Feel free to donate on my non-existent Go Fund Me Page so I can buy a new IPAD.

ACTUALLY I do know of a person in need right now of some help. I will put the link below. Every dollar is important so please help if you can.

If you can’t help financially please simply share it. The more people that see it, the more help we can do. EVERY dollar helps so no donation is too small. This is a person who’s living situation has become very difficult. The only bathroom is upstairs and do to the progression of his CP he is no longer able to climb the stairs. Take a moment and imagine that. Thousands if not millions of people overcome insane obstacles to simply survive, and you’re crying about what exactly??? Don’t worry there is no my problems are bigger than yours competition, but sometimes understanding what others go thru can help give us strength to tackle our own problems.

I feel good this AM and don’t worry I’m so paranoid about falling again that I’ve rearranged my living room. Probably should have done that after the first fall, but I assumed that was a fluke. Now I know that lightening will strike twice in the world of FknBucky so I had better be ready for it. So remember just because something hard happened to you yesterday doesn’t make you immune to it today. When it happens you have to take a moment for anger, shame, and sadness, but then move on. That poor me baggage will weigh YOU down. No one else. Personally I’m going to look for extra ways to spread kindness today. It will make me feel awesome knowing that I took the energy from falling and passed it on as a positive for someone. I could easily use that energy and snap at someone else to make them feel like crap. If I’m hurt then someone else should be too. That is a stupid thing to do so don’t do it.

Take a breath, take a moment, and then do something kind for anyone expecting nothing in return. The expecting nothing IS the most important part. Do kind things because it is the right thing to do and builds positive character in you. You can’t buy positive character no matter how much money you have, but you can earn it every single day for free.

Happy Friday

FknBucky

24
Feb
21

Falling down

I wasn’t planning to write this AM, but I want to get this out while still very fresh. You can see in the picture that I’m a crappy housekeeper. I just leave my mess until the clean house fairy shows up usually dressed like a family member or Vern & Lori. Love those fairies. Okay not true well not all the way true anyway. Nope I got up this AM just like you ready to tackle the day and get started. I usually check work emails first thing to make sure there is nothing being held up by me. The medical equipment can be life or death in a sense and almost always needed sooner not later. Easy enough right. First of all I reached down to the floor to get my charger cable which caused a large spasm in my leg kicking the table spilling my just opened Red Bull all over everything on the table. Awesome. Love that.

After cleaning that up I get back to email land. My body needing attention this AM decides it can do better. One ginormous spasm to make sure the job gets done. I could not fall backwards because of the card table so somehow I spasmed sideways taking the table, chair, and everything with me. The picture today is the carnage that was left behind. The concrete floors are awesome for rolling on, but suck for traction when trying to plant my feet and lift my fat Ass up into my chair. You can’t imagine the flood of emotions when this crap happens. Anger is a given, but the shame and sadness are the hurtful ones. I made a mistake 19 years ago getting on that motorcycle and I pay for it every single moment of every single day of my life. I don’t believe the punishment fits the crime.

Laying down on the ground with no help coming is a situation I would rather avoid. These spasms are just pricks. To make things more fun I’m completely naked as I take a shower after checking morning emails. Laying on the floor I simply think “this isn’t fair”, I’m a happy positive thinker so why does this happen to me?? Who knows. My ankles are vulnerable and I have to be extremely careful how I drag myself around to get back into the chair. Years of scrapping the skin off of them has left the skin weak and easily damaged when things like this happen. I really dislike laying on the floor with zero good options to get back into my chair.

I had to use my brain and Macgyver the crap out of my world to get back on track. I used the package to get a few inches off the floor allowing my legs to stay in the right position enabling me to set up the next lift. Look closely you can see my but imprint on the box. After trying several times I finally made it. No step was easy though. It was very hard and by the time I got back into my chair I was beyond angry. I don’t know the name of the emotion that was running thru my body at that time. I will tell you though, this is the worst way to start a day. I would much rather crawl into bed and redo life tomorrow. That is not an option though.

I don’t share this story for sympathy. I don’t need it, if I wanted sympathy there are many people at the ready to give it to me. Helps nothing so I prefer to not go down that road. I share this so that you might be able to say “wow waking up without enough milk for my cereal is not that big a deal.” When you see me later smiling and telling jokes remember there is no point in crying to you or anyone about my morning fall. It just makes me look weak and I don’t like looking or sounding weak. I tell you this simply because it happened. This is real life and I want to be as honest as possible in what I share in my writing.

I got thru it today and I will get thru it tomorrow. Want to know why I get thru it?? Because I’m a badass. Not really. It is because of you. All of you. My friends and my family. I love, truly fucking love having those moments when we can’t stop laughing. I love the moments when I see life and hope return to a person I help while mentoring/volunteering. I can actually see hope enter a persons body and I promise you there is nothing more powerful or fulfilling than that. I love watching my nieces and nephews grow up into young adults and remember their little faces when Uncle Bucky was coming thru the front door. Now their faces are big, but they still light up when I come around. I love beautiful women of all shapes, sizes, colors, and they used to love me when I was young and good looking, but now I’m old and fat so I admire from afar. Still admire though. I love to travel and try new things any chance I get.

If was to spend anymore time crying about that fall today after I got back up in the chair and the ordeal was over I would have been wasting precious time. I did tell a couple people close to me as venting is something I have to do but other than that I let that BS go. See you later. Why in the F word would I want to carry that brick of anger around with me for the rest of the day, the rest of the week or even the rest of the year. It would accomplish absolutely nothing except hold me back from living my best life. Yeah it sucks, yeah it happened, but that is over now. Move on.

I wasn’t going to share this story. I talked myself out of it this afternoon, but getting ready for bed I realized it is exactly what I mean when I say you must not waste time. How many of my days I have left in my life was I going to commit to this accident??? I voted zero so that is what it got. Don’t feel sorry for me unless you’re female and insist on giving me a lap dance to cheer me up. I will be as sad as you want me… haha. Relax bra burners. I respect women and don’t think they are only here for lap dances. Someone has to make me a sandwich cause lap dances make me hungry. My sense of humor will never leave me. Don’t let others steal your laughter.

Be kind to others, when you fall down (literally and figuratively) get the F back up, and let it go immediately. With no poor me baggage you are free to run to the next happy time. Run fast and take others with you.

FknBucky

22
Feb
21

Time and Money

Monday. I was blessed to have family in town over the weekend. I love when any of my family comes to visit simply because life short, kids grow up super fast, and it is just nice to recharge with people you love. I am very lucky to have a ginormous awesome family that loves to laugh, eat great food, and enjoy the simple things in life. Mainly because we can’t afford the complicated things so we lie to each other saying this is what we actually want….

Okay that isn’t true. If you have caught on, one of the running themes or things that I repeat a lot is the value of time. It is our most precious currency. You can’t buy more of it, you can’t borrow some from another person, and the clock never stops ticking. I can guarantee you that it will run out. You like everyone else on Earth will run out of time. There are a lot of benefits to reminding ourselves often of this simple fact. You only have so much time. Once you understand this you can move to the next step of saying “I’m not wasting anymore” because wasting time is crazy town.

Compare time to actual cash for a moment here with me. You have $1,000 dollars and you will never get more than that. Would you give $100 to a stranger that disagrees with you about anything?? The keyboard warrior in you must win the argument on FB between you and the 2nd cousin of a guy you used to work with. Here you go Bryan (annoying 2nd cousin people are always named Bryan and they insist on spelling it with a Y) take my money that I’ll never get more of. Money well spent?? Seriously why waste the time and energy??

Now don’t forget poor me time. That is easily worth $250 in our time/money scenario we are currently discussing. How are people supposed to feel sorry for you if you don’t cry to anyone that will listen. Your problems are bigger and harder than everyone else’s so it makes sense to complain about them. Strong sarcasm there if you missed it. It is so important to reflect daily, weekly, and annually to realize exactly how much time you spend on this. I can’t imagine when standing at the pearly gates of Big Bang Theory anyone would say “Wow, I wish I had spent more time feeling sorry for myself.” Get up everyday like a champ with no snooze button, brush the crybaby crap off of you, and go make something happen for yourself. Sitting at home being a keyboard warrior waiting for the “great life stork” to bring you one is a bad plan. A really bad plan.

Let’s not forget the anger and “outrage” that comes up every time you check the news. How much time and money would like to spend freaking out on these things you can’t control?? Another $250?? Maybe only $200 here. I mean hey you got to hate the people that are out there hating. It is a scientific fact that the only thing that will stop hate is “good” hate and you are full of it!! By hating all day you have zero effect on you and those around you. When you are using good hate everyone is in a better mood. More sarcasm. Hate is hate and when you carry it around normal people can see it and they want no part of it. You know who wants to get a look at that hate filled sack on your back?? Other people with hate sacks weighing them down. There is no doubt you start to become the people you surround yourself with. Make sure the people in your circle know how to smile.

We haven’t gotten to actual happy times and over half your money is gone. Remember there are no redos and no ATM to get more when you are running out. Still think it isn’t important to take a moment to reflect on how your “money/time” are being spent?? When you get into a groove in life, each day mirrors the one prior, each week looks the same, and suddenly five years go by and that “groove” is a rut that has you sucked in. With no clue what to do at this point you simply hit the gas, spin the tires like mad, but still only end up in a deeper rut on the same damn road. That’s a bummer man.

How do I get out of the rut Bucky?? I want to spend my money on cool stuff. Good. Spend $300 finding ways to help others. Helping others in life is how you change your life around. I don’t know how or why it works that way, but it does. The more kindness you show, the more help and selfless acts you do for others, and staying away from the hate sack people (I personally love this term now and will use it often) will make your life more fulfilling and enjoyable. Easy way to prove me wrong. Do this for one month and then tell me I’m full of shit. I dare you!

Truthfully I don’t even know if the money analogy works in this blog, but I have no time to think of a new one today. Haha. See what I did there. Time is precious. That is the point. I write this as a reminder to myself more than anything. They say to best way to remember/learn something is to teach it. Whoever they are nailed that one. Although sometimes “they” say eat Taco Bell and that group of they are liars. Just kidding not really. I hate Taco Bell. There I said it. Now my hate sack has a Taco Bell sticker on it. Dang it.

Be kind to others.

FknBucky

17
Feb
21

Secret to Life.

Want to know the secret to life?? Make life fun for the people around you. Mess with people. You don’t have to be vicious or mean, but mess with their head a little bit. The first and most important step is to learn how to laugh at yourself. This is also a skill. Stop taking the “life” thing so seriously. No one gets out alive. You only get so much time. Here is the deal if you make an effort to make people in your inner circle feel good about themselves and laugh, your life improves. Now ready for the real mind blowing simplistic fact?? Imagine if everyone did that. If everyone on planet Earth could stop thinking about themselves and scheming on how to get more for ME the whole world could change overnight.

In the military the soldiers don’t fight for freedom back home, or for the right for some jerk to be able to burn the American flag, but for their brothers next to them. They put it all on the line for the guy/gal on their left and right. Freedom and flag burning jackhole are the results of this brotherhood and trust between those on the battlefield. When the bullets start flying they fight to keep the ones next to them safe and understand that those 2 people are doing the exact same thing. Together they are stronger and do not bend.

We don’t have any bullets flying at us or it doesn’t happen to often anyway, but we do have sour puss people in our lives that simply want to drag you and anyone else around them down into the poor me level. Don’t give in. It sucks down there. Say enjoy your trip into crybaby land, throw up some deuces, and be like peace out. Then avoid that crappy person for the rest of your life. Don’t worry they will find some other sucker to listen to the constant bitching, and together they can wallow around in the “world is too hard” mud together.

The world isn’t hard, you’re just a human that gets exactly what you deserve. You think negative, creating a basket full of crap thoughts, and then throw your negative seeds everywhere you go. Sooner or later that first negative seed starts to grow. And then another grows. And another. Pretty soon you have created a big fat negative forest that you live in. Of course you cry to anyone that will listen about how did this happen?? You freaking created it. That is what happened. You wanted the poor me sympathy from anyone who would willingly give it to you and then you just kept going. There is no one to blame but yourself and I’ll believe that until I’m killed by a gang of Chinese hookers at the age of 56 while out for a morning jog. Never ask a witch in the forest how you die. Lesson learned here the hard way.

Learn to smile. Learn to look at setbacks as learning opportunities. Learn to embrace others in your life warmly and leave your BS at the door. They don’t want to hear it. We all have stuff to deal with. You’re not special. I will gladly help anyone that needs it when I’m in a position to do so. You can ask anyone that knows me personally I am one of the first people call because they know I will help if possible and that I won’t hold back if I feel they need a kick in the ass. Don’t ask to borrow money. Chinese friends are expensive so I have no extra cash. The reason nobody likes you is because you don’t like yourself. It is sad and I wish it wasn’t the truth for so many, but when you have all this negative energy spewing out of you it is impossible to be happy alone because you suck.

So fix it and stop complaining about how you never catch a break all the time. The breaks are there. They always are, but when you are hell bent on crying about “poor me” those opportunities roll right on by to the next person ready to take advantage of them. Good things happening don’t come with a flashing light and hundred dollar bills raining from the sky which is what your lazy whining butt wants. No. They come in the shape of hard work, waking up everyday and getting after it, and believing in yourself. I can think of a dozen people I would like to tattoo this message on their chest, but I don’t waste my time anymore. If you aren’t willing to fix yourself, I’m not giving my energy to you. Nope, I say hello politely and then move on because my life is short and I’m going to take advantage of every opportunity I can identify. Wasting anytime in the crybaby mud hole isn’t for me.

So get after it. Smile A LOT. Help others. Go out of your way to help those that appreciate it, but always expect nothing in return. Expecting nothing means you can feel good about your deed and not have the let down thoughts like “I was sure person X would go on Facebook and tell everyone how great I am for helping.” If this is what you want stay home. You don’t get it. Simply put be happy you’re a good person inside and let that be enough because in the grand scheme of things this is the ONLY thing that truly matters.

Be kind to others and remember random acts of kindness make you a better person.

FknBucky

29
Jan
21

Pull your pants up

Okay it isn’t morning anymore, but I went back and forth on publishing this. I question how much I want to share about my personal shit, but in the end if I can help one person say “You know I could do better..” then it is completely worth it.

Friday morning. I’ve been up for a few hours already as my leg spasms have been brutal lately. They will literally kick nonstop until I get up. Worst alarm clock ever. The smile you see me with takes work. It is easy to be in a pissy mood or upset at things that are not perfect in life. It isn’t like I wake up, put my happy to be paralyzed pants on, and come out into the world to be an inspiration to you. Nope that is not how it works.

Usually my legs start kicking around 4 am. This followed by me rolling over 20 times praying I’ll find the perfect position to let me sleep another couple hours. It has been 18 years and that position is still a mystery to me, but I’m no quitter and still try every morning. Once I get angry enough I usually curse my legs, the bed, air, Obama, Trump, and anything else I can think of until I focus on Annabel. Then I have to use my nice voice or she thinks she is in trouble. Next time I train a dog I’m going to make yelling angry Bucky my normal voice and she will be in trouble when I start talking like a pansy.

I usually spend 10-15 minutes trying to get my pants on first thing in the day. My spasms make it extremely difficult as they fight me every inch. Annie also thinks my pants are the greatest tug of war partner ever. I mean my legs kick at her while she is fighting my pants so she is like game on!! It is funny cause I tell her no every time, but she always be back again. I guess she is no quitter either. My morning spasms are so strong that I have to back up next to a wall, my bed, or anything while putting pants on because they will spasm violently causing me to fall over backwards. This has happened more times than I can count. When I go over backwards I know my head is going to hit hard and then right after my paralyzed leg/knee comes down also hitting me square in the nose which freaking hurts. This creates next level anger and cursing. A kid once asked me how many swear words Murphy knew. I answered all of them.

I have my moment laying on the floor, then i figure out a plan to get back into my chair, and get it done. I don’t share this for sympathy or for anyone to say “oh poor Bucky” because that is not needed. I share for two reasons with the first being getting things out of my head. Once I tell someone or put it down on paper I can forget about whatever it is that has my panties all twisted up. The other reason is it is good for everyone to be reminded that your “stuff” is not all that bad. Whatever you have going on it can always be a 1,000 times worse. So enjoy your Friday. Enjoy your weekend. Most of all enjoy your life.

It is always a choice on how you approach the day. How you interact with other people is a choice which you get to make every single day. If you have been a negative asshole (You know who you are) your entire life the best thing is you can change TODAY. Boom just like that. Good things come to those that expect them. I’m not going to let something as trivial as putting my pants on ruin my day. That would be be stupid. How does that conversation go??

Person: “How you doing Bucky?”

Me: “Worst day ever. I had a hard time putting my pants on. My life sucks.”

Person: “Ahh okay. Well I got to go. Hope you get better.” Walks away muttering “Fucking weirdo.”

Just doing that there makes me able to see things for what they really are. Stupid little things that need to be forgotten the moment it is over. Not dragging that shit around with me all day. If you read the blog about anger you will get this reference. I take that anger brick about pants and I throw that bitch back. I’m blessed in the fact I have pants. I have a ton of them. High quality pants. I grew up poor on the farm with only 2 pairs of pants. Good pants for church and barn pants that were covered in shit all the time.

I am not willing to give up the good things I have in life because putting pants on is hard. It most likely isn’t pants in your life, but there is something that gets you daily. Choose to let it go instantly. Don’t let it grow roots or start attaching itself long term. Identify whatever that shit is and say okay that happened, but I’m moving on with a smile. Take this exact moment to do a random act of kindness for a stranger. You will forget about all the trivial shit in a heartbeat.

Do kind things. Always. Life will be instantly better.

FknBucky

16
Feb
20

Days

159337D3-4F9D-4F5B-A92C-598CCC5E6884Hello internet people.  It has been a while since I’ve shared with you.  I need to write more than I have been as I use it to get thoughts out of my head.  Right now I would like to share the way I think about days.  You see you only have so many days in your life.  I understood this at a very early age and decided to live my life accordingly.  I was having tea with my Grandfather when I was 15.  He was 80ish at this time and made the comment how he remembered being 15 like me, but then one day he woke up and was 80.  His voice trailed off as he said it and I understood at that exact moment how quickly life passes by.  I knew that I didn’t want to waste any days.

We all have no knowledge of what the future holds.  Will you live to be 80??  Will you die tomorrow in a car accident??  We all hope not, but either way we all die sometime which means you only have a set amount of days left.  What will you do with them???   Let’s use some easy numbers to drive my point home.   10,000 days is equal to around 27 years which puts me at 68 years old.  Still young to some and super old to others.  Okay now we have our days.

I want to ask a couple questions with the first being what did you do the last 10 days?? Did you work towards your goals???  Do you have goals??  Remember we only have 10,000 days to get it all done.  How many days did you lay on the couch all day??  How many did you chalk up to being a “bad day”??   Was it 2, 3, or maybe 5??  Let’s say 3 days fall into the couch/bad day category.  That is 30% or 3,000 of your remaining days.  Fuck.  I know, it is crazy when you think of it like that.

There is work also as most of us are not trust fund babies.  We work on average 260 days a year.  This on our 27 year plan is about 7,000 days.  So between bad days, couch days, and work days we just pissed away our entire 10,000 days.  That sucks.  So for the heck of it lets say you only work 4 days a week so we gain back 1,000 days.  How many of those days are you willing to piss away feeling sorry for yourself, wishing the past was different instead of concentrating on making the future awesome, and holding grudges that mean nothing instead of enjoying the people around you???

Maybe you want to spend your days being a victim, I’m a girl, I have a disability, I’m the wrong color, my sexuality holds me back, or some other BS that gets wrapped up in our heads.  I’m not saying those things aren’t real or even a problem, but allowing those things to dictate how we live our lives is bullshit.  Never let the stupidity or ignorance of others change your goals or how you enjoy life.  You only get so many days don’t give ANY to people that don’t deserve them.

What do you want to go see??   What do you want to learn??  Who would you like to meet?? These are the questions you should ask yourself every morning.  I personally am not willing to trade any days whining and complaining about things I can’t change.  It isn’t worth it.  One day God willing I will wake up and be 80.  My first thought on that day  needs to be “I’m sure glad I didn’t waste any days”…

Think about it.

FknBucky

20
Mar
15

Dropping the Cross

What a cross looks like to some people.

What a cross looks like to some people.

I rolled into the children’s hospital after an exhausting day of work. It was Tuesday night again. After closing real estate deals all day, I was prepared to help others find a brief moment of freedom from their troubles. I started volunteering to open a playroom once a week after seeing a need while visiting a friend’s child that became very ill.

Spending time with those kids became my escape for the week. One I always looked forward to without fail. I am a T-4 paraplegic (paralyzed from the chest down) and love spending time with young people. These kids just happen to have had life altering illnesses or accidents. Despite the adult sized problems they faced, these children just needed someone to pay attention to them and make them laugh.

I enabled people in my professional and personal life to see past the wheelchair by showing them the person I am instead of letting them concentrate on the hardware I use. This allowed me to quickly see past any problems those kids had. Opening the large security door I saw a girl standing near the back of the room working on something. After volunteering for two years, this was the first time a patient was in the playroom when I arrived, this told me instantly her situation was special.

The machines are what stood out to most people at first glance. A tall white pole with hooks at the top and four small black wheels on the bottom for balance. Two different IV bags hanging from the top with tubes running into the tiny frail arm that had yet to experience so much in life. The beeping from the blue box shaped monitor that kept track of her vitals like heart rate, blood pressure, and whatever else the nurses needed to know at a moments notice. It was a modern day cross this child had to drag around as a constant reminder that she was not well.

The girl wore Spongebob Square Pants pajama bottoms with a hospital gown covering her top. From the side I could see where the gown was tied in the back exposing bits of skin to the chilly air of the hospital. The air conditioner seemed to never take a break in this Southern California environment. A pink bandana on her head seemed to be decorated with Hello Kitty, but I wasn’t positive and truthfully didn’t care. To know for sure meant I would have had to stare and that wasn’t something I was willing to do. Tied on like a Harley Davidson biker would have worn it, this one covered her balding head that had lost most its hair from months of painful treatments. Plain slippers covered her feet that stood next to the black wheels of that damn IV pole that was never more than inches away.

I wasted no time and went straight up to her. Looking at the table before her, I saw a large piece of red construction paper, about three feet by three feet with what looked to be random pictures strewn about it. I said “How’s your day gorgeous?” A shy girl, beaten down by life and sickness, about twelve years old, struggled to get out the word okay while never taking her dark sad eyes off that table and those pictures. The child life specialist next to her gave me an awkward smile, but I would not be shut out. I came to this children’s hospital every week to make sure these kids could check out for a couple hours, laugh at the crazy guy in a wheelchair, and even if for a brief moment, truly forget the life and death struggle they faced on a daily basis.

I inquired. “Who are the pictures of??
“My brother and me” she replied in a barely audible voice.
“Those are great pictures. Are you at Disneyland??”
“Yes”
“Whom are you making this for??”
“My parents”

I knew I had to work harder to infect her with what I was carrying. I am contagious and giving up was not an option. I rolled closer to her, smiling the whole time, knowing that the positivity and happiness overflowing out of me was exactly what she needed.

“I’m a good looking guy, do you think I could get a couple pictures of me in your collage?” I asked.
She looked up for the first time and looked into my eyes. She saw me looking at her. Not at the machines, her sickness, or her situation, but simply looking at her and cracked a small smile while saying “Maybe.”

She could sense I was being genuine, slowly started to open up, and we began a real conversation about anything other than why she was in the hospital. I asked about this picture and that one pointing to them and waiting to hear the story behind it. Within minutes those sad eyes opened up, showing signs of life and happiness, and soon, filled with the positivity I had shared with her.
“What was going on in this picture?” I would ask.
“We had just rode that rollercoaster and my brother was dizzy so I was laughing at him. He was such a wimp when it came to the fast rides.” She told me.

She would pause from time to time, reliving the moment in her mind, before continuing to tell each story. The ice cream break when she got chocolate and her brother got vanilla, the sandwiches for lunch in the parking lot, and the constant begging for her brother to go just one more time on the rides that he didn’t like so much, but ended up going on anyway to please a younger sister.

The wall she put up to guard herself crumbled. She felt like a normal kid again, forgot about the situation she was in, and let go of the cross she was holding. The machines melted away, the lack of hair no longer mattered, and standing in front of me was a girl. A beautiful girl with sparkling eyes, memories to share, and the courage to ask the obvious question.

“What makes you think you are so good looking??” She asked.
“I um… well I…” For a quick-witted guy I had no words. She got me good there and we both busted out in laughter.

The whole hospital world was gone in an instant while we played with those pictures and told funny stories. It only lasted for about fifteen minutes, but it is a memory that will never leave me.

As the young lady left to have dinner the child life specialist told me it was the first time she had seen her have a genuine smile and truly laugh in months. The brother in the photos had passed away four months earlier of the same disease she has. My heart broke in two. I’m glad I didn’t know sooner. Everyone that looked at this broken hurting body saw this horrible situation instead of a beautiful child that just needed to laugh. It is one of the happiest memories I have spending with another human being.

01
Apr
12

The Day. 19 Years today

I wrote this blog 9 years ago.  It is just as relevant today as it was then.  I’ve been paralyzed now for 19 years.  It is hard, life is hard, and for one stupid decision I have a lifetime sentence.  There is no parole, just more days guaranteed to be filled with pain, filled with depression, and filled with regrets.  I make a conscious decision every day to not allow myself to go down this pain, depression, and regret highway.  I don’t always succeed in stopping myself from spending time on this very lonely road which is never healthy, but it is always there begging me to come take the drive.  It will let me go as fast as I want, no morons camping out in the left passing lane, and a plethora of other whiners waiting for me to start the ”Poor Me” conversation.

I could have easily died that day.  Kind of a miracle I didn’t.  Many of you wouldn’t have gotten to know me.  So please read below.  Take a moment to put yourself in my shoes.  Please share it if you think others might benefit from reading this message.

April 1st 2002.  I was paralyzed in a motorcycle accident at 1:32 PM riding home from snowboarding at Copper Mountain.  I should not have been on a motorcycle that day, but I did it anyway.  My inner voice that I usually listen to was drowned out by my ego and irresponsibility.  I accept the outcomes of the choices I make because I’m an adult, a man, and a person that believes it is the only option.  Those that spend their days finding ways to blame others for their problems are only wasting time.

I was in the median of the freeway and I saw the oncoming traffic and thought to myself “this is how I am going to die.”  I accepted it and was strangely not afraid.  I have never really had a fear of being dead, but I don’t want to die early, I just accept what happens.  Then I was in the air.  Flying & flipping head over heels.  I was told later by a witness I did three full flips, but obviously I didn’t stick the landing.  My head hit first and I broke the helmet that was saving my life.  I believe the helmet pushed into my spine and smashed it.

I was awake the entire time and remember every detail.  It was the hardest moment of my life to date.  I knew I was paralyzed and I was scared.  My feet and legs were point up, but my chest & head were twisted around.  I had to take my arm and push against the ground to make my body look “normal” again.  That was scary as well.  A man from Africa got to me first.  He didn’t speak English, but just looked at me.  He tried to take my helmet off, but I told him not to with hand gestures.  A woman ran up to me and held my hand, while her husband parked the car.  While he was running over to me I could hear him say “Is he breathing.”

Then another woman showed up and held my other hand and proceeded to tell me that “she loved me”.  This is when I started to think I was dying.  That is what you say to people that are dying, and it started to freak me out.  The first woman saw this and told her to stop, but the 2nd woman argued back that I needed to hear it.  I was laying in the median of a freeway freshly paralyzed and still had women fighting over me.  It is the cross I bear…

An ambulance came and took me to a hospital.  What happened in that hospital was the scariest, hardest, and worst hour I can think of.  The questions and answers are something I wish I could forget.  You don’t need to know those details.  I was then taken by a helicopter to Denver where I was in critical condition for a few days. I told the lady on the helicopter to give me some serious drugs because I didn’t want to be there right then.  I said “I’ll deal with the rest of this tomorrow.”  She did.

Every time someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, this is what runs through my mind.  Still think it isn’t rude to ask somebody that question.  I get asked by complete strangers multiple times in a day sometimes.  Make sure your kids know better.  It was ten years ago and my life has changed substantially.  My views of the world, the government, and the way I represent myself.  Being in the hospital was like attending my own funeral.  People came from everywhere just to stand in that room to say nothing while saying everything.  They came to stand there and say “I care about you Bucky”.  This saved my life and ensured I would do everything I could to stay ME.

Doctors and nurses tried to trick me into taking antidepressants daily.  I would get a little cup full of pills, but I would ask everyday what each one is.  They would tell me not to worry about it, those were all good for me.  I refused to take any until I knew what they were.  After a week my sister told them to knock it off because I was getting pissed.  I was supposed to be depressed, I had just been fucking paralyzed.  It is natural.  Somehow I still found time to smile in that hospital bed, and even tell jokes to ease the tension of everyone.

Life is a journey and sometimes it is fucking really hard.  I don’t know what problems you have and personally I don’t care.  I will care if you ask me too, but way I see it, until you do it isn’t my business.  What I do know is that we all have problems no matter what race, religion, tax bracket, gender, age, or whatever other category you want to use to separate people.  That is what we all are, just one plain label.  People.

I’m not sure how I want to close this one.  I’ll just leave you with this.  I have overcome this and I’m a productive member of society.  The man I have become is because I faced my problems and solved them on my own. Those challenges took a cocaine abusing, drunken, womanizing, snowboarder into a drunken womanizing guy in a wheelchair.  I am proud of the man I am today, and who knows what I would be doing if it weren’t for those hardships.

As a community, country, and world we need to teach people that facing and solving your problems will make you a better person.  It will make you a stronger person and teach you things that you never even knew existed.

Be kind to others.  Don’t worry about the car that cut you off, the rude comments made online, or the outrage the 24/7 news channel is telling you to have.  Just be kind to everyone.  Not just the people that think like you do.

Fknbucky




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