Yesterday I talked about being the “dark”, a place that I go alone when I’m angry and feel cheated by life. Truth is I’m not cheated by anything. I chose to ride a motorcycle 22 years ago in horrible conditions when I wasn’t experienced enough to be doing so which resulted in me wrecking and becoming paralyzed. I pay for that decision 24/7 – 365 and will do so for the rest of my life no matter what happens. Prison isn’t even that harsh, my sentence was instant with no jury, and I have zero chance at parole. I accept all of that because it simply is the reality I have.
I didn’t plan to say all that, but it just came out. I just type what my brain thinks and that that is what you get to read when I post these. When I’m in the “dark” as I call it I don’t spend the time sitting in a corner feeling sorry for myself. I simply can’t and you shouldn’t either. I work. I spent time cleaning my bedroom, bathroom, and living room this past weekend while being very aware of how much time I was up in my wheelchair. The pressure sore dictates that, but I also swapped out my cushion for a heavier, but much better one for skin care which I should have done 4 weeks ago, but I never thought about it. Again I accept responsibility for the problems I face.
Blaming nurses, doctors, or the hospital in my case only leads to anger and frustration which makes solving my hardship nearly impossible. You can always find someone to point the finger at. How many problems do you solve while angry??? Well besides silencing a crap talker. Man I miss punching deserving people in the face. You can also go to a punk rock shows for 2 hours of mosh pit madness to release a lot of aggression. One time we actually fought the band once at the Ogden in Denver. That was an awesome show I saw with two Daves, a Skot, and Uncle John Jameson. Anyway. Violence is bad or something.
Here is the ultimate point. Do something. Keep moving no matter how slow it is. I fixed my wheelchair while in bed leaning to the side staying off my skin. I could have been crying, cursing (still was just at the chair instead of God and Big Bang Theory), or trying to ruin other people’s weekend because I was having a hard time. That would have been completely pointless and stupid. I have wanted to fix a bracket on my chair for months, but couldn’t find or make the time. It took me HOURS, but I finally got it perfect and makes I’m so darn happy. I didn’t plan that. It just became because I just kept doing.
The light doesn’t just show up. Nope. There is always work involved. Luckily I learned as a kid that work was good, setbacks are normal, and I had to rely on myself before crying to others. If you work even a tiny tiny bit the light will come. The strength will come. Each time the strength grows. The confidence grows. The happiness grows. Wait for it….. YOU GROW!!
FknBucky
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What do we do when the mood is less than great?? When we don’t have a perfect photo to put up on IG or X?? When our friends are doing something cooler than we are??? When our health is hurting and it affects the happiness we wish we could find for the day?? The world tells us to make lemonade. We are told to suck it up and get back out there. FknBucky writes often about finding ways to make other people smile because that smile will come back. Today Bucky says sometimes you have to embrace the dark.
I’m not telling anyone to embrace depression and stay there. That is a very bad idea, but sometimes you have to experience the dark to remember how much you love being in the light. Nobody is “UP” all of the time, no matter how much cocaine you do. Just ask Elmo. My kidney was so infected it killed me the first week of May. I’m used to almost dying so I don’t have the “I’m going to live like no tomorrow BS” anymore and truthfully always have, but it is a good reminder to keep chasing my goals. I had that jerk kidney taken out a couple weeks ago. I was so hopeful for sunny skies and to be back after it again that I had a list of things to get after. Instead life kicked me in the nuts and the face just in case I didn’t get the message. I discovered a pressure sore on my butt.
My happiness deflated instantly. My family all had great plans for this weekend, but not me. I’m still healing from the kidney surgery with literal open wounds and now this pressure sore. I don’t want to say I was in “poor me” area, but more of an “Eff everyone else” area. My phone went to VM (I don’t listen to them FYI) and I had a couple pissed off days. I needed to accept this in my mind, formulate a plan to fix my problems, and then come out with a true I will over come this attitude. I will get this to heal and accepted my role in allowing it to happen. We all have to understand that spending some time in the darkness even on 4th of July weekend if needed be isn’t a bad thing.
This isn’t an easy thing to share, but I promised to be honest with everyone that reads this. I don’t share to hear the comments of “you can do it, you got this, or the stay strong”….. While those are not bad and needed sometimes, I’d rather hear/see “me too Bucky, I understand this, and glad I’m not alone” so that others can feel safe embracing the dark, but remember to not get lost there. You must come back out into the light and trust me you will feel stronger and refreshed. Being depressed/angry at hard times is natural, but those feelings will never solve the hard times. For that you need positivity, strength, and loved ones around you.
FknBucky
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There will be a part 2 tomorrow. Trying to keep the blogs shorter.
Remember to share this for others that might need to hear it.
Well….. I extended my vacation by another day. Apparently they want you to crop dust the halls after stealing a kidney, but call it passing gas to sound professional until….. I said “farting” a bunch. The doctor finally loosened up her stature, but not my bowels. TMI… I know, but I promised honesty on this blog so suck it up buttercups. By the way speaking of honesty it turns out I’m not gay. That t-shirt is a liar. My friend Nuisance (see what I did there….) told me to be sweet to the nurses, but have you ever heard of a 24 hour restraining order??? Me either. Who knew asking her if she wanted to stick around and snort some of my meds with me was such a big deal…….. A couple lines of stool softener makes for one heck of a story later.
The TV is crap. The channels are 74-1, 74-2, 74-3, and on and on. I don’t know what that means. I have watched two westerns about a guy killing other guys over a woman. Both of them, but different guys dying from another guy killing them. I think the woman might be my stuck up crazy nurse. She would drive anyone to do some killing. She happens to be one that watched on as the others killed me on my last stay here. No joke there. She is sticking with the panic/anxiety story saying “Well you have anxiety when you’re dying.”
I can’t think of a truer statement. Just remember if you check out from not being able to breathe with 93% of your lung filled with fluid, it is the panic that did it. Can’t believe I was so stupid to think otherwise.
My kidney drain.
Might be yet another day. Got an issue with the kidney drain, and I’m not kidneying around.
Thank for all the prayers. Keep them coming and please share the blogs. Some of your friends might not be on my friends list and should hear my life lessons in the blogs. Be kind to others, stop holding petty grudges, and if someone makes you mad – hit them in the face.
Okay no women jokes today. Just keeping it clean for all 729 genders today because FknBucky doesn’t want to offend anyone. No making fun of your race, face, the space you take, or any other things that would be an ace. No jokes abut who you sleep with. No jokes about myself, my family, my friends, or anyone else that will laugh cause I’m funny.
FknBucky
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Share this blog and remind people to stop being so angry at everything. Life is short friends. Smile.
FOR REAL PART: Worst blog ever. Stop being so damn uptight. Laughing at ourselves is what GOD and BIG BANG THEORY intended. Pick one thing in your life TODAY that is bothering you and laugh at it. Tell a friend about it and then laugh. You will feel a freedom that truly will change your life.
P.S. More of the hospital story coming tomorrow. Been a busy week. I gotta work as writing don’t pay my friends!!
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Just boarded another airplane for another flight home. I’ve done this dozens actually hundreds of times before, but today is different. I’m flying home to say goodbye to one of my dearest friends. I’m so thankful for the time I was able to spend with her and will remember all the wonderful conversations we had over the last 20 years. For those of you that know me personally you know I have friends all over the world and I’ve been blessed to have so many of them. This friend was all alone in her category simply because of her name. Grandma.
I have always been close to my Dads father. I was named after him and that was a small club to be in. I probably don’t deserve his name as he was one of the greatest men I’ve ever known. When he was 80 yrs old I watched him carry a large metal tub filled with corn down to the hog barn to feed the chickens. Ha. Just kidding. There are pigs in the hog barn you fools!! When I would visit my Grandparents, Grandpa and I would sit at the table having tea and thoseamazing chocolate chip cookies only Grandma could make, while G-ma waited on us. Naturally most of the conversation was between us men. It was just the way it was. I mean we all know the golden rule. Women have to be quiet while the men are talking.
My Grandpa passed away 17 years ago and while back visiting Grandma she mentioned she is awake until 2-3 am most nights. I started volunteering at the children’s hospital in San Diego around this time. Every Tuesday night I would open and run a playroom for the kids to get out of their rooms and have some fun. My drive home was 30-40m min and almost always after 9 PM. I like to talk to people when I’m driving, but 9 PM is a little late to call friends to just say “hey”. One night I thought Grandma is awake, I’ll call her. I called, she was up, and we had a great talk. As time went on, week after week, I would continue to call G-ma on my drive home. She looked forward to it and so did I. Something happened during those calls. My Grandma became my friend.
She told me so many stories. How she first knew my Grandfather was the man she would marry. He was at her place to help do some sort of work and as he left the house with the others, my grandma handed him a pair of gloves and their hands touched. Not a quick touch, but long enough to gaze into each others eyes and decide I’m going to marry this person. Simpler times. A hand lingering just long enough to relay the message, but not too long to be creepy.
She told me about her wedding day. They were going to “honeymoon” in Waterloo planning to eat a fine dinner and then going to see a movie. For reasons not discussed the young married couple were running late and had to smash a couple burgers quickly so they could still make the movie on time. The best part was the happiness in her voice as she relived these memories with me. I felt and still feel honored she shared these stories with me. I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to know her so well.
Grandma had so many pictures and was a rock within the family. Doing all she could to keep the family together having family reunions and always encouraging everyone to let go of the anger, be open to kindness, and forgive when necessary. It seems fitting that our whole family will be brought together one more time by Anna Pearl. I can envision her and Grandpa (together again!) looking down at us all with smiles knowing they did their best for their family and I’m not alone when I say THANK YOU to both of them.
Just part of Grandmas super army. Love you forever Grandma.
I will say this. MAKE the time to talk with people you love. None of us are that busy we can’t put forth the effort. Well so and so never calls me, why should I reach out to them??? Why shouldn’t you?? Whatever happened let it go. It isn’t worth dragging that anger anchor around with you. Don’t you want to be free of this pissed off attitude that sucks up all your energy so you can stay mad???
I loved my Grandmother without question. She was a remarkable woman. All that came natural. I’m happiest though knowing I took the time to make my amazing G-ma my best friend while I had the opportunity. She taught me so many lessons that I will use the rest of my life. Many times people will say I didn’t know what I had until it was gone. I have learned very hard lessons that way, but this one time I got ahead of the game. I made sure to appreciate my friend everyday.
The world lost a bright shining light of a human, but heaven gained an angel that will forever be looking down at our families.
That is what I wrote on the flight out. I’m currently on the flight back to Charlotte. At the visitation I went by, but purposely didn’t look into the casket directly. I used a bit of side eye, then closed my eyes, and said a private prayer between Anna Pearl and myself. I didn’t want the vision of her in my head overwhelming all the happy mental pics I’ve taken of her during my life.
My family is far from perfect. My Grandma wasn’t perfect. I am so far from Perphekt that I have to spell it wrong. I might name one of my kids that actually…. Truth is like all families there is some drama and blah blah. I don’t involve myself in that. Some people need conflict and thrive on it. I’m not one of those. I prefer if something has your panties all wadded up, say something, get it off your chest, and then move on.
The celebration of life was awesome. Many of my family members made the trip home and we got to visit, laugh, and enjoy the moment. Anna Pearl got us all together one last time.
We are all going to miss her, but I’ve promised myself to replay the great times in my head and share the advice, family history, and the wisdom my dear friend Grandma passed to me.
I love you Grandma and Grandpa. So happy you are together again. I promise to do my best to encourage everyone to drop the anchors and be happy again. At this stage of the game no body is changing. Just accept your family members for who they are and simply love them unconditionally.
Thank you,
FknBucky
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I got a text about Noon telling me that Karina was in custody for the murder of Ryan Cooper. I’m a Traer boy at heart and honestly writing that sentence made me cry. I’m not afraid to admit that. There are a massive amount of emotions going on right now, but the hope is with someone being held accountable and with time people may start healing. Reality is these types of wounds never actually heal. Time goes by and people start to move on to other topics, but we’ll never forget or be whole again. A part of us was taken that can’t regrow or be replaced. The hurt will never fully go away even as time goes by and we start to talk about the price of beans, the road construction on D65, or the prick up the road that keeps tearing up the dirt road.
Truth is as much as I prayed that justice would come in this case, I realized today it doesn’t change the pain or make sense of this BS. We were all robbed of an amazing friend, brother, son, father, and the world was better and happier with Ryan a part of it. He will never be forgotten. That is a fact. He is still here with us thru the children he was taken from. I pray everyone remembers they are the ultimate victims in all of this. Please talk with your kids about how crazy this situation is and make sure they understand how their words can help or hurt so choose them very wisely. I can’t imagine dealing with the nightmare they’ve been given at NO FAULT of their own. Life is not fair on levels I didn’t realize were possible.
I’ve had a good number of friends reach out to me and all of them say the same thing. The hurt is like this just happened yesterday. I meant the words I wrote 2.5 years ago the brotherhood one becomes a member of living in a small town. The Busch Light brotherhood I called it. Membership can’t be bought, it can only be earned. It is lifetime membership with annual dues being make sure you have a big cooler of beer ready to go once the work is done.
My thoughts and prayers are with his family. I know they will most likely read this and I hope they understand how much Ryan touched my life, he was loved, and appreciated by many others. I spoke with another friend today who was asked to testify this morning about Ryan. She told me that she said “You can ask anyone in Traer or anyone that knew Ryan, there isn’t a person on Earth that had issues with him. There was no fighting, no running of the mouth, and simply just a great man that could be relied on no matter what it was he agreed to do. I have met thousands of people in my life. NOT one can be compared to Coop.
I don’t know what will happen in court. I do say let the rule of law take its course. This event only proves once again that evil exists in the world. I don’t know why. Heaven or Hell, Good or Bad, God or Satan, BIg Bang Theory and not Big Bang Theory. Whatever you believe doesn’t change the fact that evil is around us everyday. Some people get very good at hiding it. There is no reasoning, no explanations to be had, and simply the hard truth tells us that it is real.
Ryan didn’t deserve this evil done to him and we all know that. His kids should have their father still. It makes me beyond angry to think of how unfair this is. He should be old and gray watching grandkids open Christmas presents. I can see him in his den surrounded by toy tractors on the wall, some deer mounts from successful hunts, and of course a 1:8 scale cattle hauler that cost as much as his first car on display that everyone knows isn’t for playing with. Well not until Grandpa had his special drinks and ends up on the floor playing farm with the young ones.
I am surprised at how fresh these feelings of hurt are. We appreciate the small town for many things. Knowing people your whole life, your kids and their kids go to school together, and eventually your grandkids and their grandkids go to school together. There is a feeling of safety in a small town and it brings comfort to us knowing everyone. The downside is when something really really tragic happens it affects everyone. This is that. This hurts everyone. I believe the police have done their job and done it well. They didn’t cave to people screaming we want justice now, but slowly built up a solid case against Karina. She is innocent until proven guilty, but I will not be donating to her defense fund.
I say this to my Busch Light brothers and sisters. Please don’t let your anger and hatred dim the shining light Ryan brought to us all. His memory should not be tainted by this evil human that abused his love, manipulated his trust, and stole a father from his children. I will choose to remember him flipping me off from the cab of that cattle hauler. Twice he got me. The snapchats he sent telling me he smelled like money when I said he was covered in shit. He deserves that. For all of us to remember him for who he was and not for how he was taken away.
Give hugs to people you love and then tell them “I love you.”
I don’t know what else to say. I just have a lot of emotions and writing is how I deal with things I can’t process yet. I know I’m not alone in that.
Sunday. My favorite day of the week. It is for many reasons, but the stress free morning on Sunday makes it something to look forward to. Unless you are hungover from a late Saturday night and promised a cute nice girl you would be at 9 AM service for church. That is never me because I don’t date women that go to church. This is by choice. Their choice. Clearly.
I make one heck of a first impression showing up with FknBucky t-shirts for Mom and Dad, making sure I tell a joke about how her Mom needs an XL to fit over those massive boobs she paid for 7 years ago. This comment always goes over well so make sure you say it loud as you grab a beer from the fridge. Then tell her Dad he needs to buy better beer and a lot more of it cause you like to get your drink on while watching the football game. To help round out this day of first impression be sure to include her 15 year old brother by calling him a pansy for saying no when you asked him to shotgun a beer with you. Almost done now. One last thing to do before you claim victory in awesomeness. Tell her 13 year old sister that “Damn gurl, you’re going to be hot in a couple years once your boobs grow in and you no longer need to wear the padded bra!!”
First impressions are so much fun. Clearly I’m an expert. The Packers game yesterday was so much fun to watch. That team is going to be a contender for many years so Detroit if you are going to win a championship, do it now. You’ll be dominated by GB for the next 15 years. hahaha. I would be worried about offending some Detroit Lions fans, but everyone knows people from Detroit don’t know how to read. I had a point earlier that I was planning to get to, but maybe I forgot what it was. Actually no maybe about it, I can’t remember what I was thinking about earlier.
Jessica Alba is just hot. Always makes me smile.. 🙂
Maybe there doesn’t need to be a clear point. Maybe sometimes in life you have to just wing it and take what the world is sending to you. The more you try to control everything the more disappointed you will be in life. It is that simple. I go thru phases. Sometimes I’m just smiling with the “ef it” attitude and other times I have this vision of what everything should look like and I bust my ass trying to force that vision on others and force it to become reality for me. Hmmm I needed to hear that. I’m trying to force things in life right now. I gotta remember my own advice. I don’t try to fake it with you wonderful people that read my words. We are in this together. Having the answers only helps if you use that knowledge. Knowing better and doing better are not the same thing.
Remember this. Life is more enjoyable when it isn’t planned out. Life is hard when you don’t have a plan. To be a person of character means you have to be a person of structure. To be a good human to those you love, you have to be wiling to drop everything at a moments notice to do something dumb and crazy. WTF Bucky?? Exactly. It will never make perfect sense. LIfe is hard. It is painful. It is unfair. The good die too early. Bad people will win sometimes. I’m going to throw a nice bow on this blog for you just because I love you.
As you can see, I searched Bob vs Fun TIme. This is what I got.
Enjoy the moments. If you get 3 hours of laughter with friends/family, CHERISH it. Don’t leave early. Don’t worry about the report due tomorrow at work. Ef that report. Be present in the fun time. It doesn’t happen often so simply enjoy it. Don’t throw shade bringing up old crap to Bob from 8 years ago. Bob is a penis head. Everyone knows that. Don’t let him ruin fun time. Let nothing ruin fun time. Enjoy what you have RIGHT now. There is always a chance it will be gone tomorrow.
FknBucky
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Subcribe to the podcast. I’m telling you now I’m going to make it work. I’ve never in life felt so sure about anything. I will not allow myself to fail. Not because I want money and fame, but simply because I want to become the man it will force me to be to enable me to be successful. That is the true reward. Are your goals leading you towards being a better person?? — Another blog coming soon.
The world. Crazy place. I simply love it. All of it. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the wrong, the good, the right, the people, the differences in all of us, and truth be told I want to experience ALL of it. I always have. I thrive in chaos. Many people do not. I’ve learned this about myself simply because I’ve been brave enough to be myself most of my adult life. I don’t make apologies for being who I am. Instead I think about my actions and words before I do or say them to make sure I’m not hurting someone. I don’t care about offending people, but I have no desire to hurt them.
I have my own views and opinions, but I’ve tried to not make this blog political. I don’t pretend to know what you have gone thru in life and how you come to the place you are now. Left, Right, Center, or whatever is your business. I respect that and only ask you respect where I am. We’ve lost a lot of respect in that last 10 years. Maybe the internet. Maybe Trump. Maybe not. I will not blame one person for the actions of millions. That is simply put, stupid. I think Tyson is right when he says the world changed when we can’t punch people in the face for being a prick. Now they film it and put on YouTube.com for content.
I’m visiting family in Iowa for Christmas. We did Christmas late this year and it has been very good. Nothing like being around family and people that love you unconditionally to recharge the batteries before taking on the new year. I encourage everyone that has “beef” in their family to find a way to settle it and move on. Life is too short to hold onto anger. For any reason. Hug it out and move on. It is that simple.
Yesterday I went to see Vivek Kiaswamaineiayashydeyalkda. He is running for President as a republican. No one had heard of this guy 6 months ago. Now his big forehead and amazingly beautiful wife are taking Iowa by storm. His schedule is insane. I respect how hard he is working to earn the trust of voters here. If you have not met him or gone to see him speak DO NOT speak negatively about him. You can dislike his ideas, but to question his character and love for America is truly unfair. I mean that about his bride. She is a smoke show and crazy smart as well. I was able to ask the first question yesterday, but before I did that I said “I believe everyone here can agree that you married WAY up!!” The room laughed and everyone felt a bit more eased. Never underestimate the power of laughter.
This man is genuine. To the core. No one contacted me before I showed up. It was a very small venue with probably 30 ish people there. I say this because he talked about who he is and what he thinks should be done to help this country become stronger. I was able to ask a question. No one coached me or anyone else. Vivek stood there with no prep and answered in a very honest direct way. I say this to you, go see for yourself. Please go see for yourself. He has big ideas, and truthfully I’d love to see him get a chance. If we want to just continue to do things simply because that is how it has always been done then why have elections at all?? You don’t lose weight by making ZERO changes to your life. Darn it Bucky!! I want to lose weight so bad, but I can’t exercise because I’m lazy. Change my diet??? No chance. Birthday cake isn’t going to eat itself so I make sure to have 7 pieces on everyone’s birthday.
Okay. I wrote the above yesterday. I went to see him again today in Toledo, Iowa. He was late. Turns out he had a campaign stop one mile from the school shooting that happened in Perry, IA this AM. Eff’ng cowards are what these people are. No more no less. They are weak, stupid, crap bag, coward humans that we should forget existed. Don’t say their name and let them burn in hell where they belong. They don’t shoot up the local courthouse. The police station. The NRA meeting. An IRS building. Nope because those places have experienced people with weapons. Why in the heck do our schools not have experienced competent people with guns ready and willing to protect our most prized possessions?? I’m going to write more about this tomorrow.
This photo of Jessica is a reminder to never Google search BLOATED CORPSE.Bad Bad idea.
Our government is a bloated corpse. It is slow, stupid, and full of needless crap. It is crazy. We just allow it to happen like mindless zombies. We blame the Republicans or the Democrats, but you my friend are the one to blame. I am to blame. Our parents are at fault. We let this happen and still let it happen. Take the patient on Dr Pimple Popper. They come in with a massive growth on their head. We see it and think WTF, why didn’t you do something??? They say “oh I just didn’t have time.” You didn’t have time to cut the ginormous growth growing out of your ear off?? What the heck else did you have to do??? Seems like that should have been a priority. That is us. We are too stupid, lazy, and scared to cut the useless growth off of our ear. Don’t point the finger at politicians that did things YOU let them do!!!
This government is an outdated laptop. When your computer/phone starts acting crazy you shut it down and restart. Simple. Well we don’t do that with our laptop government. We simply buy a new outside case that looks shiny. All fixed. The important parts still run slow, stupid, and no chance of changing. Oh well. Let’s just put a D on the new case and blame the R’s! 8 years later. Put that shiny new R case on.
I encourage you all to take the time to actually listen to this man. His message is crazy. So crazy it might just work.
He talks and believes he can unite the country. WE ALL WANT THE SAME THINGS!! Safe environment for our children. Good roads to drive on. Good jobs to work at. FREEDOM to say what we want. Freedom to fail and freedom to succeed. Police that protect all citizens and chase criminals, not political opponents. This country used to cheer for people with big crazy ideas. Somehow the idea of speaking up is now reason to be canceled. “Don’t you dare talk against anything I say you racist, fascist, misogynistic, gay hater, trans hater, people hater, happy hater, tree hater, grass hater, drug hater, water hater, oil hater, windmill hater, bird hater, meat hater, veggie hater, and all the other haters.”
Stop for one moment. Think to yourself. Have I gotten wrapped up in all this hate?? Why do I hate X?
The answer is you shouldn’t hate anything. It is wasted energy. Stop listening to people that use you. Anyone that tells you to hate something should be cut from your life immediately. They are toxic.
I truly love you all. Treat each other well regardless of your politics. We are more alike than we differ. It is time to start there.
FknBucky
READ * THINK * LIVE FREE
I haven’t decided who I will support yet, but I will give my opinion on anyone I want to. I’m very glad I took the time to listen to Vivek in person. I encourage you to do the same.
I think I am just going to make every blog start with, it has been a while since I’ve posted on here….. Life is chaos. Mine is certainly full. I try hard to be enough for everyone I know, but I feel as though I constantly fall short and let people down. It is never my intention to fall short of expectations, but it still happens. I recently watched the movie “Dog” with Channing Tatum. I bet that guy wakes up everyday and says “Darn it, why can’t I be handsome like FknBucky??” Ahhh my twenties. Good days.
Don’t worry this entire blog is not going to be about how flipping good looking I am. Although it would make for some great reading. Nope, not today. I take Annabel out for a couple runs just about every day. She knows the route by heart and once I give the green light she takes off like a race car doing the quarter mile. She simply can’t get there fast enough. Where is there??? That is a great question.
We have checkpoints I created since she was a puppy. The easiest ones are streets. She can’t cross a street EVER unless I say okay. She will run to the very tip of the sidewalk. One more inch and she would be technically in the street so she doesn’t cross that line, but still gets as close to it as dogginly possible. Some people get freaked out at this, but I’ve learned to trust her. That line will not be crossed until I give permission. The word is “okay”, that gives permission to run ahead to the next checkpoint. I test her sometimes by yelling “Open”, “Almost”, and other similar sounding words. She flinches, but realizes those are not the right word and will sit and wait. Quite impressive.
The edge. One paw almost touching. I used to get almost upset in the beginning, but as I mentioned I trust her now so it doesn’t bother me anymore. In fact we had a conversation about it. I asked “Annie, why do you insist on being on the very edge??” She replied “The view is better.”
Think on that for a moment. I’m a great view kind of guy. I enjoy the edge. It makes me feel alive. To be safe, but close enough to the danger that I can smell it, taste it, and reach out and touch it if I wanted to. I’ve always been that way, but like everyone I had to grow up to properly know who I am. In life I don’t have time to waste so I’m flying to the next checkpoint as fast as possible, giving myself time to enjoy the view from the edge. Once the slow pokes finally catch up we all start again, but they never see the view I just witnessed because they just keep moving at that snail pace never realizing they missed out on something remarkable, beautiful, and many times life changing.
I remember a time we were driving around the mountains in Colorado on a Sunday afternoon. Nothing to do besides tell jokes and mess with each other. We stopped a few times to check out some views. One was on a very tall cliff. I’m sure something like a thousand feet down. We had four in the group, but only two of us ventured to the edge. Right on it. I stood there with my friend as the adrenaline started to pump understanding an inch or two separated me from certain death. I wasn’t scared. I was alive. The view was more gorgeous and precious. The moment went from nothing to a memory I’ll never forget as I stepped closer and closer to the edge. The other two guys were 20 ft behind us literally shaking with fear just thinking about being where I was. It was one of the first moments of my life that fear became a noun.
I understand who I am. I take risks. I enjoy the edge. I like the view. You have to figure out you. Don’t stand on the edge unless you are willing to accept the consequences. There is always a price to pay.
Whether you are in the front, middle, or back is up to you. Just be sure wherever you end up that you take time to enjoy the moment with those around you. When you feel your life is in chaos remember to control the only thing you always have control of. Your attitude.
The world is a crazy place. Different cultures, different people, different color of people, different languages, different trees, different crops, different laws, and on and on. I spent my early years getting picked on daily by the other kids at school. I’ve talked about this before. I hated it. I felt alone all the time. I was around people just like me, but somehow I was not part of the group. No differences, but clearly we were not the same. It sucked.
It was also a major blessing. These experiences made me appreciate friendships on a massive level. Not having something makes a person appreciate it more once they get it. Hence why working for something is better than someone giving it to you, but that is a message for another day. My appreciation for friendships allowed to make thousands of friends over the years. Young, old, white, black, Mexicans, Germans, Asians, gay, straight, and blah blah blah.
Having all these different points of view has been very educational for myself and I’m very thankful for that. The other side is I know a lot of people that pass away. Someday it will be me. We all go sometime so work hard to be a person remembered for the right reasons. I lost a friend this week who should be remembered by the world for things you don’t know about and it is a shame. She was an amazing human and I’m a better person because of the conversations we had. I was young when I met her as one of my friends dated her Granddaughter so when we went over there she would talk with us.
We drank beer and she allowed it because knew we would be safe there and she knew if she didn’t we would have gone out driving around. The lesser of two evils I suppose. She took care of her two granddaughters for reasons that aren’t your business or mine for that matter. I wish I was able to talk and see them as I will always care and love them, but life happens and we all get busy with the paths we have taken. Some great times and memories of those days. Sitting there at times I would find myself talking with Leona about all types of stuff. She didn’t like the drinking, but instead of screaming NO like a crazy person she would ask “Why do you think you need the beer??”
That type of conversation was foreign to me. If my Dad didn’t want me to do something he told me he would kill me if I did it again. Sometimes that worked and sometimes a it made me learn how to hide it better. I would struggle to answer her question because no one ever asked me a question like that before and actually cared about my answer. I had no idea how important those conversations were while I was having them, but later in life I would reflect on them and become very grateful for those lessons.
I assumed I was a “bad” kid because I didn’t follow the rules like other kids my age. It is easy to allow these thoughts into your mind, but extremely hard to get out once you’ve allowed them to set up shop. That goes for all negative thoughts you tell yourself. Leona explained to me that “There are no bad kids.” There are bad parents, bad environments, bad decisions, bad leaders, bad preachers, bad schools, and bad all kinds of stuff. No bad kids though.
To completely write off a child is a crap thing to do. To look at a kid and say you’re not worth fighting for is borderline evil. As humans we can do better. Some kids might say “Eff your kindness, I’m going to go rob someone”, but that doesn’t mean we stop trying for all the rest of them. My opinion of myself changed the night I had this conversation with her and thankfully I never forgot the lesson. Anyone that knows me can tell you that I will do anything to help a kid. That wasn’t natural instinct on my part, it was a piece of wisdom that Leona gave me. Her legacy will live on every time I don’t give up on a kid just because they or someone they know thinks they are “bad”.
It has been over 20 years since I’ve seen her although I did send X-Mas cards a few times. You never know what you can learn from a person if you don’t take the time to get to know them. If you want to be wise and a person of substance you must talk to people outside of your circle. I hope she knows just how much I respected her and that she changed my thought process in life for the better. I could not even begin to count the lives I’ve been able to improve using the philosophy Leona so graciously gave me. It took years for those comments to actually mean something to me, but once I understood what she meant the world around me changed.
It became much less about me and it caused me to understand that I could make a difference in the world one person at a time. It becomes addicting. To help. To see someone succeed when their whole world told them they couldn’t. I’ve already overcame so much in my own life. I know the formula. It isn’t a secret. One simply has to wake up and say “Not today MoFO” and then go out to the world with a smile that can’t be broken. I’m good. Now I concentrate on helping others see that for themselves. I have no number of lives changed except for this. As many as I possibly can. If my whole life goes by and I only help one person it will be worth it. That one person might change the lives of thousands because I helped him/her on their way.
You have no idea how many lives you change for the better. Or for the worse. Maybe Leona only affected my life, but I would say her legacy is a massive one. What will your legacy be??
You can also go to a punk rock shows for 2 hours of mosh pit madness to release a lot of aggression. One time we actually fought the band once at the Ogden in Denver. That was an awesome show I saw with two Daves, a Skot, and Uncle John Jameson. Anyway. Violence is bad or something. 
My kidney drain. 
Just part of Grandmas super army. Love you forever Grandma. 
This photo of Jessica is a reminder to never Google search BLOATED CORPSE. Bad Bad idea. 
FknBucky 