Posts Tagged ‘joke

22
May
25

Overcome

The fight continues. The show must go on. Never give up. Blah blah blah Just words. Maybe a poster one of your co-workers has up in their cubicle. My personal favorite is the one of the frog refusing to be eaten. It really does embody the thought of “never give up”. I’ll google it and put it at the start of the next paragraph. Pictures come last if you didn’t know.

If you’ve been absent the last few months let me catch you up. I’m fat. There you go. Okay now the rest of the story, shout out to Paul Harvey. After dying and coming back to life in May 24’ I was almost 300 lbs. I see photos from back then and I’m amazed at how much weight I allowed myself to gain, but my health issues made life extremely hard. I am paralyzed so the extra lbs caused me a lot of problems. I had to make some changes so I did. I started exercising, changed my diet, and set goals. Setting goals is as important as the other two. It is foolish to start a journey with no concept of a destination.

My first goal was to lose 50 lbs, then 75, now 100, and eventually 125 which will put me around 175 total. I also decided that I wanted to be able to do a pull up. Strap my chair to me or me to it rather and get my chin above the bar. Not the bar you take Jame-O shots from. Ha. To reach this goal I have to lose weight and gain strength. Hello weight lifting. I started with some dumbbells at home. 10 lb curls. It is a lot when you come off of life support so 3 sets of 10 with those small bells were all I could do at the beginning. I stuck with it. This AM I did 5 sets of 21 with 20 lb dumbbells. Sometimes I do 5 sets of 12 with 25 lbs. That is a massive improvement for about 7 months.

Yesterday I decided to hit the gym at my apartment complex to work on my chest using one of the machines. After my second set I probably pushed a bit too hard, I lost my balance, and fell off the darn machine to the floor. I was the only one there and screwed. I looked around to see what I could use to get back up and saw nothing. To myself I said “Oh Shenanigans, this is a bummer!” I was surprised as well. It isn’t very often I use such language…… I decided to crawl to a machine nearby with a little lower seat and of course I had to drag my chair along with me. I bet you didn’t think about that did you…..

Once there it became clear that plan was not going to cut it so I started to search again. I saw a treadmill and thought if I can get on that, scoot to the other end, I could be high enough to transfer back into my chair. Then I thought about other people walking into the gym and seeing my crippled ass sitting on the treadmill. Let that sink in for a second. Plenty of one liners would be good for that. I could say:

“Never hurts to try right??”

“I didn’t think this thru!”

This is how my brain works. Even while laying on the cement in the gym completely eff’d, I thought of jokes and made myself laugh. I would love for you to comment what you think I should have said. Be creative and remember it is only cruel, if it isn’t funny.

On my way to the treadmill I saw a different option. There was a bosu ball and a bench. I thought I can get on the bosu ball, climb onto the bench, scoot to the top, and then back into my chair. I made it over and the planned worked out perfectly. I worked up a sweat and about three minutes later another resident walked into the gym completely unaware of the absolute carnage I had just been thru. She smiled at me kindly seeing how sweaty I was and must have thought “Wow, that super insanely handsome wheelchair guy is really getting after it!” I’m not mind reader, but I’m pretty sure that is what she was thinking.

I was worried about using the machines in the gym because I might fall off one. It held me back. Was that fear justified?? Of course, but something beautiful happened yesterday. I learned that I have nothing to be afraid of. The worst happened and I over came it. Alone. I also know why I fell so I won’t make that mistake again, but if I do, I know how to handle it. We don’t overcome our fears by avoiding the things we are afraid of, we become stronger by facing those things head on and then making them our “beach”.

Know what else I learned?? How to spell Bosu Ball. Hmmmm. It was a really informative day.

FknBucky

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14
Jun
24

NO OFFENSE

Okay no women jokes today. Just keeping it clean for all 729 genders today because FknBucky doesn’t want to offend anyone. No making fun of your race, face, the space you take, or any other things that would be an ace. No jokes abut who you sleep with. No jokes about myself, my family, my friends, or anyone else that will laugh cause I’m funny.

FknBucky

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Share this blog and remind people to stop being so angry at everything. Life is short friends. Smile.

FOR REAL PART: Worst blog ever. Stop being so damn uptight. Laughing at ourselves is what GOD and BIG BANG THEORY intended. Pick one thing in your life TODAY that is bothering you and laugh at it. Tell a friend about it and then laugh. You will feel a freedom that truly will change your life.

P.S. More of the hospital story coming tomorrow. Been a busy week. I gotta work as writing don’t pay my friends!!

15
Aug
23

Just Go

What’s up my friends?? I should probably name this “just write” as I’ve slacked hard the last year. A whole darn year. It is insane just how quickly time flys by without us noticing. Kids grow up. They become adults suddenly. They force us to realize how old we are. I still feel 23, but I’m not. Not even close. Some of you have known me for a very long time and probably have a couple FknBucky stories to share. Please don’t. My Mom reads this.

Live without regrets is something people like to say. Stupid people like to tattoo it on themselves and misspell it. Small piece of advice from me. Google everything you are about to tattoo on you. Trust no one. The Chinese symbols can not be trusted. They say it means Love and Strength! After 7 Bud Lights and 5 shots of Fireball why wouldn’t you want Love and Strength tattooed on the side of your neck?? Cause the symbol actually means “I love anal” which will make you really popular while visiting the Great Wall.

Just Go. There has to be a point. There is. The regrets I have are opportunities I failed to take advantage of. I admire Kobe Bryant in so many ways. I don’t even like basketball all that much, but Kobe and I were born in the same 48 hour period. I was in my freshman year of college, lost, a kid inside, but old enough to by smokes. Kobe was on the biggest stage in the world competing with the best. I would think about that at times and wonder what the heck I was doing with my life. Luckily my college friends would see me in deep thought and hand me a bag of mushrooms. I didn’t get to compete against Jordan, but….. Mushrooms are cool.

I lived in Cali for 11 years. I never drove up to LA and watched Kobe play. I regret that. My neighbor was a fighter pilot in the Navy and invited me to come use the flight simulator he trained on. I never went. Stupid. What a great story that would have been. I don’t dwell on these, but I do remember them simply so I don’t make the same mistake.

I saw a clip of Chappelle show a couple months ago. I thought I have to go see Dave live. I googled his schedule and he was going to be in West Virginia. A 5 hour drive each way, but I didn’t let that bog down my excitement. I bought the overpriced tickets. One for me and one for my nephew. I told myself the cost of the ticket was both combined so it was good in my head.

I need accessible seating. The tickets I bought were not accessible. No big deal as most times I call the venue and they swap me out with no issue. Not this time. I called and explained my situation to the guy on the phone. He said “Don’t come. We don’t have a seat for you.” So I turned around and went home. I was defeated. I wasted all that money on tickets with no chance to resell them and on top of it I couldn’t cancel the hotel room so I had to pay for that as well. A very expensive lesson.

Eff that. I hope no one believed any of that BS. Dude said “Don’t come.”

I replied “See you in five hours”.

I would have sat on someone’s lap before I didn’t go. I transferred into a seat in this old ass theater. I think Lincoln was shot there. I was stuck there and had to explain to 37 people why I refused to stand up and let them pass.

Dave came out and everyone went crazy!! He started out saying that he wouldn’t not talk about Tranny’s because he was already in trouble with the super fun “Always offended and pissed off crowd”. Seriously those types (I had to erase my previous three descriptors) really know how to party!! All I’m saying is they don’t have handfuls of mushrooms so….. To fill the time in his set previously dedicated to the Tranny’s he decided to make fun of paralyzed people. Like everyone else there I laughed. I am not a man in a wheelchair. I am not disabled. I’m FknBucky that uses a tool to get around that is called a wheelchair. Big difference. Disabled people can’t do stuff. There is not one damn thing I can’t do. Use that word on someone else.

I can forever say “I saw Dave Chappelle live.” That is a very cool sentence. I made the money back selling my crippled ass on a street corner. I mean it was Chappelle.

So go. To everything. Take a friend. Take a family member. Buy their ticket and forget about it. Have a large woman with the biggest boobs in the world crawl over you 3 times because you can’t stand up. There was a moment that I thought I was going to suffocate to death between 2 ginormous boobs at a Dave Chappell show. I mean if you got to pick the most perfect way to die that has to be top 3.

Just go. Just go. Just go. Tattoo that on your neck or better yet tattoo it on your brain. You can show it off to your friends by being the guy that is always up for an adventure and yells proudly “LET’S GO!!”

FknBucky

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The Podcast is coming. Your drive home will never be the same!!

28
Mar
21

When Kids Fail, we all win.

Disclosure: I wrote this blog a couple days ago, but my real life job (the one that pays for all my luxury items like my chick magnet mini van) got in the way of my writing career.

I like the blog I wrote yesterday. Sometimes the next day when I read them again I’m like “Eh, it could have been better.” That is okay though. Nothing is perfect every time. It is okay to fail and in fact it is good when you do. I say often and as far as I know I’m the only person I’ve heard say it so it is my quote. I expect credit every time you steal it. Here you go. Bad days are great, without them how would you know you’re having a good day??? Wow my crippled ass oozes wisdom. Just remember if you call me crippled I’m going to stab you and get away with it. I am just faking being paralyzed for the chicks. I used to tell that joke on stage and one of the worthless crap bag other comics actually started to BELIEVE it. Damn people are dumb. He literally grabbed me and pulled me out of my chair in front of the Comedy Store in La Jolla. Sure wish a couple Iowa/Wisconsin friends were with me that night. Dude would still be using a straw to eat steak. Someone did punch him in the face, but not nearly enough times. Okay way off course now. That guys sucks at life. His name is Gordon. Feel free to punch every Gordon you meet just in case it is him. How many can there be???

Failing is good. I just proved it isn’t always a good thing. Gordon failed at life. Like completely. Don’t take failing to that level. When I used to snowboard (I MISS IT SO MUCH) I would often say “if you aren’t falling you’re not trying.“. You have to push the limits to grow and sometimes you just miss the mark. I love to make people laugh, truly it is quite possibly my favorite thing to do. If you know me personally you know this to be true. Sometimes though my jokes fall very flat. It is kind of embarrassing and a few times are burned into my memory like “Oh shit, I really wish I had that comment back..”. I wouldn’t change a thing though. When this happens I usually say “they can’t all be zingers..”. You have to put yourself out there or be happy hugging the wall, riding the pine, or any other analogy about not getting into the game.

How you deal with failing is a massive part of the character you have as a human. If you throw a fit and whine to anyone that will listen well lets just say that is not the right way. Accepting the failure and then analyzing it to learn from it so that you are better next time is the right reaction. Not always the easiest option, but it is the right one. When we jump in to save our kids the pain of failure at ANY age you are stealing the lesson from them. Our first reaction is to protect them which is a noble one, but you have to fight that urge and let nature do its thing. Learning to fail correctly can start at any age. We never stop failing/learning as we grow older, but the problems and consequences get a lot bigger as we age. This is where wisdom comes into play. Learning the lessons at age 3, 4, or 12 years old lets us develop the skill of coping with failure. When you “protect” a child from this hardship they miss out on the lesson which leads to much harder times later on in life.

All of a sudden you are 20 years old and failure feels like the end of the world because you’ve never dealt with it. Let the lego tower fall and break so little Timmy learns to go thru the motions. First is the disbelief the tower feel, then anger at the thought of the stupid tower, depression because it sucks to have to start over, and then acceptance that it happened and the lesson of why it happened. Next time Timmy will build a larger base to keep the tower steady as it gets taller and taller. Grabbing the tower as it starts to fall and handing Timmy a cookie is wrong. He learns nothing and becomes fat. Not a horrible thing cause when Pippa comes out with a need for children burgers I’m coming for fat little Timmy first. Read the blog “Royals” if you want to understand that last line. You really do have to read every blog.

Timmy Burch lego. Google it.

None of this means you can’t help. In fact quite the opposite. You should be there to help point out the lessons learned and guide a young person in the correct way to accept failure. Help them see the lesson. Now here is the big one. If no one ever let you fail you don’t have the wisdom needed to teach this ever important life lesson. This leads to the snowball effect that continues for generations. Every time it gets a little bit worse until some catastrophic event happens leaving many to ask “What happened?? How could this of happened??” You heard it here first. All of the problems in the world lead back to Timmy and those darn legos. How do you prevent this?? First of all don’t name your kid Timmy and never let them play with legos. Easy enough. I’m here to help.

Life is awesome. It is also very very hard sometimes. Learning how to cope is a big part of having a happy life. I guarantee you that at some point in your life you will experience failure that seems overwhelming, but if you have had practice your whole life you’ll be ready to deal with it. No one goes thru life without stupid mean challenges hitting us in the face sooner or later. Take the punch and learn to duck next time, but also learn how to punch back. Exactly. Violence solves problems. Another great lesson for young kids, but I’ll write that blog another day. Right after I write the “Your kids should only be friends with other kids that look like them and think like them” blog. A lot of sarcasm there unless your name is Gordon. Then get ready. We are coming for you.

Remember young people are always watching. What kind of example are you???

Be kind to others. Not for them, but for you. You will love the person you become when you put the feelings and needs of other people in front of yours.

FknBucky




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