Posts Tagged ‘para

23
May
25

You are blessed

What are you thankful for today?? Simple question, but do you ever stop and ask yourself?? I spend my days helping people in difficult situations. The things these individuals have to endure make my challenges look like a speed bump in a brand new parking lot. It truly helps me put things into perspective and I feel like it is almost my duty to share some of these experiences with all of you. I promise if you read the next three paragraphs you will be so eff’ing thankful for your life just how it is right now.

I was recently asked to deliver a table by a company in FL. It isn’t what I do, I was annoyed by it, but could tell the gentlemen asking me was becoming desperate to find someone to handle this small task. I know how that goes. Anyone know people that do Sheetrock? Okay back on topic. This delivery is such a small thing to me, but I have to remind myself that it is massive to the customer that needs this piece of specialized equipment. I gave them my usual fee of $10,000 per hour and they countered with $50 total. I accepted. I can get shrimp flavored ramen this week baby!!

Turns out it isn’t just a delivery. I had to go out to measure the world, pick the right product, fill out all the paperwork, submit it, receive the specialty table, assemble it, and then drive back out there to deliver it. Goodbye shrimp flavor……. I found out the customer has a pressure sore so I changed my schedule to go out immediately. They also asked if I could make sure his air mattress was functioning correctly. Again not what I do, but I certainly can and pressure sores are no joke so if I can help anyone avoid that horrid highway, I throw my cape on and drive fast.

Regardless, I was less than enthusiastic to do all this, but it needed to be done and I was the guy asked to do it. I reminded myself of that and put my best smile on. It truly is my favorite outfit. I knocked on the apartment door, a gorgeous young lady opened the door saying something, but I couldn’t hear a dang thing as 4 yappy dogs were going berserk-O! My sister used to talk about getting a dog like that when she gets older and then name it Dammit so she can scream at it.

“Shut up Dammit”

”Get over here Dammit”

Haha. Let me know what commands you would yell at Dammit in the comments.

I was led inside of a very small, but clean apartment. The neighborhood wasn’t the best in Charlotte, but it was clear a lot of hard working people lived here and I can respect that. I saw a large wedding photo on the wall surrounded by lots of smaller ones showing a loving family. I enjoy being welcomed into peoples homes and seeing their lives. The smile is genuine. I was led down a hallway, into the back bedroom, and as the door opened I saw him. All of the air left my lungs while a slight feeling of shame came over me for not wanting to do this task. I realized then I would have done it for free if someone had explained to me what was actually going on.

The man laying on the air mattress was the same one standing tall in that wedding photo. That photo. Still burned into my mind. The beautiful bride smiling in such bright truly happy way. The type of smile that screams “This is the best day of my life”. I didn’t have to ask what the worst day was. This young man was a quadriplegic. He is unable to move his arms and legs, unable to lift his head, and still has the trach in for when breathing becomes too difficult on his own. I believe he was hit by a drunk driver while working. I don’t know the exact story and I never ask because it isn’t my business. Sometimes people share, but I never ask for details simply because I don’t like anyone to relive the worst moment on Earth for me. Think about that before your morbid curiosity kicks in next time.

I thought about my complaining the last week about having to pay $180 to a stupid parking company. I needed this reminder of what true hardship is and immediately told myself that the Bucky pity party was officially over. My life isn’t the easiest, but I have so many blessings. So do you. If you’re not laying on your back staring at a ceiling unable to move then you’re blessed. I’m a writer. I don’t get paid to do it, yet, but I truly believe one day I will. I feel like today my job is to make you aware of just how awesome you are and amazing your life is right now. Your job is to remember that.

FknBucky

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25
Jun
24

Going In

Hello my friends. I have been so busy trying to keep my life in order it has been difficult to find time to write on here. We have been recording podcasts the last week and I remind you I’ve only been out two weeks from my near death experience hospital time. My stupid arm is still numb and the shoulder hurts when I use it. Funny thing about being paralyzed. If one of my arms doesn’t work, I simply roll in circles which is an issue for me.

So in about two hours I will be arriving at the hospital to have my left kidney taken out. We’ve been together for 45 years. Longest relationship I’ve ever had, but like a few of my other ex’s that bitch has been trying to kill me. I’ve said in the past “It is time to cut the drama from my life”, but this is the first time it is literally happening. I’ve had surgeries before, but I’m truthful on here. I’m a little scared. This is the first time a major organ is being taken out. They tried to take my left nut about 15 years ago, but like the rest of me (minus this stupid wimp left kidney) it was too strong to quit and came back. My balls are awesome.

I gotta get dressed for this. I love you all. Thank you for all your support and well wishes. Looking forward to writing again soon. Please go to YouTube and watch the podcasts. Episode 24 is so funny. I love it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lo_0BeK2nYk

Take care of each other and let go of petty BS. Life is too short to carry anger around. Show love and forgiveness and you will have a happy experience on this beautiful planet. Travel. Enjoy. Smile. Talk to people that are different from you with an open mind.

FknBucky

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02
Jun
24

No More Air for FknBucky

Let’s face it you are all a bunch of sick puppies that want to know the details of FknBucky almost dying. You will get them because I promised to always be honest on here. It has been a very dark road and one I wish I could have avoided, but I will make jokes cause that is what I do. If I was about to be shot in the head, I would ask the shooter to promise to tell the hospital that I did NOT die of Covid. It is just who I am. Marry a funny man if you want to have a fun life. I’m taking apps (women only), bunch of savages….

FYI, My hand and arm are still numb and won’t work correctly. My strength is about 40%. Prayers and respect to all Quads. If you know a Quad or see one, give them an hug and say how amazing their strength is. Some of the strongest people on Earth. As my hand comes back I’ll be able to type and blogs will come faster.

On to dying. I was at home for days stuck in bed feeling sick. I couldn’t get up to take Annie outside or feed her. I could not get up to use the restroom properly and my home became a complete mess. It was overwhelming in so many ways and very disheartening to a person like me that demands the best from myself. To no longer have the strength to live with the independence I cherish came very close to crushing my spirit in the ultimate way. It hurt so much inside. I don’t care about pissing on myself as it happens when people get older and when a person is a paraplegic. The disheartening and soul crushing part was not being able to clean up myself.

My Mom (Carol – Thank You so much) came out to help after I admitted I was in a bad way. My breathing was horrid. I’ve been doing it for 45 years, but for some reason I could not get air. I had to sit cross legged with my head down to breathe. Imagine having to stay in one spot/position to get air. It sucked. Life was happening around me, with people coming and going, the lawn being mowed, packages coming, and I was a statue taking small breaths to simply stay alive. After a week, I called an ambulance. Have I ever mentioned how stubborn I am??

In the ER they found my kidney to be infected again. WOW. I could have told them that. I go thru the motions and get checked into room 7911. Small room. First time in my life I had…. Who knows. I started that sentence earlier and can’t remember what the heck I was planning to say. Oh now I do. Oxygen. First time they put the oxygen on me. It was weird. Didn’t get me high though like they say in fight club. Stupid hospital oxygen. I spent days in that room stuck in bed. No moving just fighting to breathe all day and night. Ma spent the night because it was so rough. My eyes were yellow, body beaten down, very little humor or smiles from me, just pain, hurt, and worry.

Day 4 or 5 I was up again. No sleep in the hospital. NONE. Remember my spasms were going crazy the entire time. They always wanted to lay me flat on my back , irritate the kidney, and make my legs & stomach go insane. My stomach spasms are so strong I can’t breathe when they go. It becomes a clamp on my lungs that makes taking a breath impossible. Think about how scary that would be. Sitting there minding your own business and WHAM you can’t bring air into your body with no idea when it will stop. Now imagine it happens a hundred plus times a day/night.

The clock was 6 AM. The nurse and doctor were talking about discharging me that day. My Mom and I insisted that would not be good for me. I told Mom that I would die if they sent me home as I could feel a lot was wrong still. Everything they were doing was not improving my situation. I couldn’t breathe and my spasms were still going crazy. Remember I had been struggling to breathe for weeks, but now it was real. I was gasping and using all the tiny bit of strength I had to get the smallest amounts of air. It is a crazy feeling to try so hard bring air in and get nothing over and over and over and over…. I was getting legit scared. I have a lot I want to do yet in life. I don’t want to die, not like this…. A fast car on a mountain road, spontaneous combustion, a crazy ex-girlfriend and a kid that ain’t mine, or my favorite going out with a smile at a decently old age after giving away every penny I have to those less fortunate than I am.

The more I struggled the more people came into my tiny room to watch me die. The door was a huge wooden one that the nurse and doctor kept shutting very hard which loud noises make my spasms go off making it double hard to breathe again. Once the doctor came in yelling at me and Mama bear yelled “Hey watch your TONE!!!” My Mom sat back and told me to trust the doctors, but when it goes too far this Farm Mama will stab you with a pitch fork.

Breath so bad it deserves 3 pictures.

The big time doctor came in. He had scrubs on and was a, well male, so you know he was in charge.. Oooo that will get some all stirred up. RELAX. Women are super important. Who else would hold stuff while the doctor works???? He was right up in my grill and clearly ate dog poo for breakfast. Worst breath ever. I was dying. He kept telling me to breathe but I was trying to blow his shit breath away. Take air in, no way, not smelling like that. Here comes death. All the money and time to train a doctor they can’t have one day to learn how to pop an ALTOID before getting in the face of a dying person. Heck, you have a woman right there ready to hold them for you. Ha.

If you mad at a couple men/women jokes this blog is going hurt long term. Take a breathe. Smile. See how easy that is. I couldn’t do it the other day. Don’t get upset at stupid words. If you do, you’ll never have a happy day. On to my death.

I had to see my Mom’s face as I going out. No one should ever have to see that. My Mom’s sad/crushed face while smelling shit breath from a doctor telling me to breathe like I somehow forgot in the last 6 seconds. Pretty much the worst way to go. I couldn’t speak anymore. Not sure if I would have said if I could have. Maybe “Goodbye Ma or Someone got a tic tac for dog shit breath doctor here??” It is a toss up. Then I ran out of gas. Completely. I stopped breathing. I had not one more gasp in me. I just stopped.

FknBucky

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16
Jun
22

Sometimes I want to punch the world

Look at the pretty lights Bucky and ignore the chaos around you. It worked last night for a while. I meant every word in that blog yesterday. Some days are harder than others to ”Be Present” and blam today happened. I can’t explain why life works out this way, but I can share it with you so you understand you’re not alone. Or maybe I’m hoping one of you will share a story with me so I don’t feel alone. Facebook, Instagram, Tic Tok, Paddy whack, give a dog a bone is all BS. Nobody is happy all the time and most of the photos you see from “influencers” are fake. They use your ”like” exactly the same as a politician uses your vote. To better their portfolios, enrich themselves, and once they have it they move on to the next forgetting you exist. You are now number 183,085 and nothing else.

I got sidetracked there. I got back from my magic walk last night and made a massive bowl of dip. It is my new thing. I found a recipe online to get me started and I’ve been using different things to make it my own. If you’ve ever had the pleasure to eat something I cooked you know I don’t mess around. Everything is fresh and from scratch. The Apple Pie that started this, the blueberry cheesecake, chicken tortilla soup, beef stroganoff, tator tot casserole, and don’t forget the cinnamon rolls! I use sour cream, plain yogurt, jalapeños, spinach, green onions, cucumbers, and strawberries in this masterpiece. Everything fresh and blended together with a bunch of seasonings. I’m happy to share if you want to be the coolest person at your 4th of July party. Well 2nd coolest. Everyone knows the guy or gal that shoot a bottle rocket from their butt crack is the coolest person on Earth. If you serve veggies with homemade dip while shooting a bottle rocket out of your butt is guaranteed to make you a LEGEND. Ask my brother Jer about being a LEGEND, but NEVER give him bottle rockets or a lighter.

Morning time. Always a challenge with the leg spasms. Some days they are crazier than others, but it is 100% going to be the first thing I deal with every morning. Just think if 3/4’s of your body decided to cramp at the same moment. It is violent, painful, and usually results in me falling over backwards or sideways. If I’m ”lucky” I will be able to grab a table, bed, sofa, or anything to prevent the paralyzed backflip I’m trying to do. Maybe I could do the ParaOlympics… FknBucky takes the gold in the flip over backwards to smash the back of your head onto the concrete floor. Concrete is not soft if you aren’t sure. This morning I was saved by the night stand next to my bed as it prevented the chair from going all the way over.

I now know it is going to be like that today. I get dressed and cruise out to the kitchen so I can try this awesome dip I made yesterday evening. I take GREAT CARE with the bowl of dip on my lap because of the spasms. I currently have a work bench set up in my living room because I can. I put the dip on said workbench and start looking at some emails while I’m crushing some celery and dip. It is fantastic. I’m super stoked on my awesome culinary skills. BLAM spasm. My elbow goes straight into the bowl of dip. Right in the center of it. I’m going down and grab at anything I can to stop that from happening. Everything but me falls. 3 seconds ago I was patting myself on how great the dip turned out. Now I’m wearing half of it and see the other half all over my floor. It took me a good amount of time to make that dip and now it is gone.

Anger is an emotion and in this case it can be a verb. I was sad as well. All that work. All the money spent. All the time I spent. All of it on my floor. No five second rule here. Just a massive mess that needs to be cleaned up. As you can guess leaning all the way over cleaning up dip is not the easiest task a person can do. Very frustrating. You might be asking ”What is the point here Bucky??”

There isn’t one. What is the reason my hard work is on the floor?? Sometimes life is a real jerk. Nothing you can do about that. What you can do is control your attitude and your reaction to moments like this. I could have handled it better today, but I was mad. Being mad was wasted energy though. It did nothing to better my situation as I threw something that knocked over my Grapefruit flavored Celsius. Now my remote, phone, and some paperwork is soaking wet because I threw a tantrum. Pretty stupid.

I got more ingredients today. I’ll make more. Just like yesterday I need to remember the blessings. I have a great career and own my own company, I have amazing friends, my family loves me (well most of them), I have an amazing fur friend, and most importantly I wake up everyday being FknBucky. I write and share these moments for 2 reasons. First – I want it out of my head. Once I write about a situation I can stop thinking about it. Secondly – I hope that people that read this will drop the anchors of negativity they drag around, realize crap happens to everyone, and learn to tackle their problems with a smile.

FknBucky

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Our brother Ryan Cooper is still waiting for justice. Please never stop saying his name and asking who did this?? We will learn what happened and hold that person accountable.

01
Apr
22

20

Writing. I haven’t done enough as of late. Not sure why as I’ve had plenty to say. That could be part of it. Sometimes I’d rather just keep my opinions to myself and save myself from the drama of having people who barely know me tell me how wrong I am. I know thousands of people from all over the world. It was life goal of mine to meet everyone on the planet. I’ve fallen short, but not from lack of effort. Ready for the blow your mind moment?? Only a handful of people on Earth truly know me. You’ve heard about me, had a beer or ten with me, got a couple pics with me, but none of those things mean you know me.

Do you know what today is??? I can never forget. I think about it every single day. My own personal hell that will never stop. I replay it over and over and over. I have no pause button. No redo. I can’t simply turn it off or ignore it. You look at me with pity only because deep down you know that you could never be strong enough to be me. You think about the easy way out. How you would quit before the game even starts. Anyone can train their body, lift lots of weights, do two hours of cardio, take drugs for faster and bigger gains, but true strength is in ones mind. I see past the muscles. I’ve already won before we start because I know the truth. Your mind is weak and you will give up when anything becomes difficult. I welcome all challengers. Prove me wrong.

What is the point today Bucky?? If you truly know me you wouldn’t ask. The past is just that. Passed. Gone. Never coming back. So why do you dwell on it?? Some of you even attempt to live in it. Refusing to let go. Like a dog, I can smell your fear and self doubt. You can never be great because you’re too scared to fail, to fall, to look foolish, to have the spotlight on you, and when your time comes you will die. Some will cry, some will say ”Oh that’s too bad” or ”He/She was a good person”, but after a few days it will be like you were never here or there. Don’t blame me for saying it, blame yourself for allowing it to happen.

20 years. Long time. Long time for an individual, but barely a drop in the bucket of life. I wrecked that motorcycle 20 years ago today. My spinal cord crushed. My body broken forever. Never to walk again without assistance. A life sentence. No parole, no probation, no time off for good behavior. Just pain. Just hardship. The fake smiles when you say ”You’re so strong” that translates into Thank God it isn’t me, I would kill myself.” Don’t feel bad. I’ve thought about that path many of times. No more falling out of my chair, no more spasms, no more accidents, no more pain, and no more stress when one takes the easy way out.

No more parties, no more visits with my nieces and nephews, no more hugs, no more challenges to overcome, no more puzzles to finish, no more happy, no more surprises, no more frisbee with the pup, no more anything. Just whatever happens after Earth. I have thoughts on the bad, but I let my mind dwell on the good. I overcome the challenges to enjoy the laughter, the good times, the memories we make, and do the best I can everyday to help others enjoy their short time here. To leave the party we call life early is just stupid. At 43 it is just getting good. The music is LOUD, turned up to 11. Pick your poison.

Tupac – California Love https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omfz62qu_Bc

Pantera – F&#King hostile https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QcMhOFAVzE

Oasis – Champagne Supernova https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6cyIG0CRQg

Spooks – Things I’ve seen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3AJ7W-HRa8g

I’m Bucky. If you know me, you know I don’t leave early, heck I don’t show up early. I show up fashionably late with a handle in each hand. A pack of pretty ladies behind me ready to make this night memorable. I pour shots and say ”Who is ready for the hot tub??” Whats that?? Bathing suits are for children. No memory worth having ever started with let me get my suit on. My smile is contagious. My dimples say ”this is a good idea” and thank God neither of those were damaged in that accident.

I could have died that day. Instead I got 20 bonus years that I have not wasted. Wake up. Stop quitting. Be spontaneous. Throw the middle finger up to those who wish to control you. You are not a D or an R. Liberal or Conservative. You’re a person. Capable of having fun, capable of helping others have fun, and hopefully capable of thinking for yourself. Hug your enemy. Pour shots for people that annoy you. Stop being a buzzkill. Stop saying ”you’re so strong” and simply cheers me when I say ”Here is to the next 20!!!”

I love life. It is hard. It sucks sometimes. It is beautiful. It is amazing. Most importantly it will be exactly as you want it to be. Want an adventurous life?? Be adventurous. Want a good life?? Be good to yourself and others. Want a crap life?? Fill your head with self doubt and treat those around you horribly. I promise you’ll have all the crap you can handle.

Don’t be weak in your mind. Be kind to everyone. Learn to enjoy failure, but learn from each time. Turn the music UP. Stay up late once in a while. Most importantly remember you are never too old to flip the bird to those that try to control you.

FknBucky

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As always if you like the blog please make a comment below and share it. The feedback gives me fuel to write more often.

03
Dec
21

Tragedy and Smiles

I want to share a story with you today. A very important one that I hope will open your eyes, your heart, and help motivate you to count your blessings instead of constantly wishing for more. There is a club that no one wants to join. There is no name for it, it has no leader, and it is guaranteed that all members wish they could unjoin. It is a club of tragedy. Accidents that change the body is the cost of membership. I became a member April 1st, 2002 and have been dealing with it every single day since. This isn’t my story though.

I volunteer because I am able to help and I know that. I offer my everything to the people I talk with at the rehab hospital. I will answer any questions no matter how personal, help with any equipment they may need or want to know about, and I’m happy to talk with family members that want to learn/understand how to best help the loved one that is going thru this physical nightmare. I’ve probably talked with at least few hundred confused/scared people over the years and I’m very proud of that.

Travis and Staci Hoyle gave me permission to use their real names in this blog. Travis was injured a couple months ago and is currently using a wheelchair. I want to express one thing here very strongly. It isn’t your business how it happened. Don’t ask. Ever. It is not okay. Don’t say I’m one of those people that just blurt it out. Travis will tell you if he wants to. Instead do something easy. Talk to him like you would without the chair. He is the same person today as he was 6 months ago. Bust his balls, call him ugly, give him a hard time about driving a Nissan, or whatever else you normally do.

The Hoyle’s have a tough road ahead. It isn’t impossible, but it is hard and they will need that 4 wheel drive of his F150, (it is actually a 2004 Nissan 4×4 Supercharged) to get thru it. “Travis made sure I corrected that.” I have no doubts that they will. This is a strong family from what I have seen. Leave your pity at home. Nobody needs that crap. Bring your happiness, smiles, never give up attitude, and instead of asking for details on what happened say ”I know you got this and I’m here if you need anything.”

I see strength, fear, and determination in Staci and Travis’s eyes. It is okay to have fear because everything is new and we fear what we don’t know. The strength they have has nothing to do with lifting weights. True strength is in a persons mind, it is strong to accept reality, it is strong to smile first thing in the morning and say I can do this, it is strong to remember you’re not the only one going thru this, and most importantly it is strong to acknowledge other people are hurting as well. Pity parties are stupid and worthless so have a strength party. Challenge everyone around you to use the strength God gave them to overcome this obstacle. Once again I will say I have no doubt they will overcome this, but friends and family have a HUGE role to play to make that happen.

Unfortunately bad things happen to great people all the time. It is unfair and makes me want to scream at nothing sometimes. 20 years of membership and yes sometimes I still have moments of extreme weakness and anger. The key is to not live there. Accept the emotions, work thru them naturally, and get back to living your best life. Avoid the ”what if” hole because it simply leads to depression, anger, and regrets. What if I didn’t go, what if I didn’t stop for coffee, what if I didn’t date her, what if what if, and more what if. That is pointless because no matter how much you torture yourself it will not ever change the outcome.

You don’t have to be Travis and Staci to use the advice above. Everyone has hardships in life, hardship plays no favorites, and facing it head on is the right course of action. There is a benefit for Travis on Sunday. I’m told the 300 available tickets sold out very quickly. Money is always welcome and helpful, but kind words and genuine caring is fuel for the fighting spirit alive inside of Travis and Staci. This is not an easy road, but once again it is not impossible. The only thing different is Travis got a lot shorter and won’t be running up any stairs for a while.

Remember as this battle goes on that smiles and laughter are okay. In fact they are a must. Focus on the things that make you smile. Watching your kids succeed at anything. Holding your partner in front of a fireplace on a rainy night. Laughing with your friends while telling old stories. One of my best friends growing up and I would always yell when Welcome Home (Sanitarium) by Metallica came on. It is a random thing, but after my accident while having a tough moment in life that song come over the radio. I was instantly transported back in time and smiled gratefully that I was still alive to enjoy that memory. It is okay to be happy while dealing with tragedy. To this day every time I hear this song, I’m instantly 19 years old again, yelling at the radio with my friends while drinking a Busch Light.

It is easy to find reasons to be unhappy, mean, and ungrateful. True strength is when you put all those aside and find one reason to smile. You only need one. Kids, wife, family, friends, pets, food in your stomach, warm place to sleep, and so on. You can choose to be happy in horrible situations. In life when we are forced into situations beyond our control it is important to concentrate on the one thing we always have control of. Your Attitude. It is easy to smile at the end of the trip, but more important to keep that smile and positive attitude going during the journey no matter how long it may be.

I hope everyone who reads this will share it. You never know who needs to hear the message above. If you can donate money please do and then share this message. If you can’t send money I only ask you share this message so others will see it and be able to help.

Count your blessings. Be grateful for the people in your life. Truly grateful for them.

FknBucky

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We still need Justice for Ryan Cooper. Please come forward if you have any information. As Russell Crowe said in the Gladiator “We will have our vengeance, in this lifetime or the next.”

10
Mar
21

Give it to Chris and forget it.

I haven’t posted in a couple days simply because I haven’t felt right about the things I was letting out. I kept getting sucked back into that dumb Royal crap although I did and will not watch the interview. It is everywhere though. Put it this way. If you can’t find a reason to be happy in Meghan shoes then you have completely failed at life. Completely. So Fuck her and her bullshit. That is how I really feel on that matter.

This used to be a paragraph complaining about politicians. I didn’t like it so I’ve come back to erase it. To summarize it I will say this. I am never donating one penny to any of them. Ever. Please read 2nd to last sentence in first paragraph. That is what I got to say.

Okay now that I have the BS out of the way lets talk being happy. Completely random today, but I came across a video on YouTube that I had to watch. It made me laugh immediately which was what I needed. It is now 5:16 AM, but I have been up since 3:30. I made myself a promise when I decided to do this blog thing for real this year that I would be honest with those that read it even though I don’t want to sometimes. I had an issue with my bowels which forced me awake at 3:30 to which I have spent the last 2 hours cleaning myself and my apartment from this issue. Sucks, but it happens sometimes and it is something a paraplegic has to deal with. Still think your alarm clock is a jerk. I can’t go back to sleep because I have a meeting with a Veteran at 9 AM today. I also promised to bring homemade cinnamon rolls that I prepared for baking last night. A good part of me wants to crawl back into bed and wait for tomorrow. That would be a waste though. I might be dead tomorrow and spending my last day on Earth feeling sorry for myself over something I can’t control seems like a stupid plan.

So I don’t. I let go of the anger and poor me BS so that I can get back to living. The video. So it was of Chris Farley going onto Letterman. Wow. The guy was such a wonderful entertainer. You can just see thru him and realize 90% of his big ass was heart. He had his own demons, but the selfless way he made others smile and laugh using his own body as the punch line. It hurts to be “big” and people judge you even when they say they’re not. The world lost something special the day he passed on. A rare treasure that can’t be reinvented. Many people have tried and continue to try and fill the ginormous shoes left behind by a legend. I have done stand up and it is terrifying. To be so willing to make the world happier by putting on a tiny coat, by living in a van down by the river, and most importantly going head to head with Patrick Swayze in a chippendale competition only to make strangers laugh is so so special. And it worked. Still working.

Take a few minutes for yourself today an watch this video. You’re not too busy to watch it, you’re not that angry at anything and what is the worst that can happen?? You smile for a few minutes instead of writing out another FB post complaining about blah blah or even blah blah blah. Hey I got plenty to be upset about this AM, but why. Why would I allow the negative side of things run my life and most importantly my attitude about life?? Bad things happen sometimes that we can’t stop or control. You can control your attitude and the way you respond to everything. I promise you I will always pick how I respond to the events in my life. It doesn’t matter what you did yesterday or having been doing the last 30 or 40 years. Starting today right now you can decide to just let the BS go, watch a few minutes of a legend making us laugh, and have a great day. Remember everyone has a reason to be ticked off, but the true tough guy/gals look for a reason to be happy. You always get back what you’re putting out so if you want smiles you had better find a way to get one on your face.

I want to be very clear on one issue though. I don’t want or need any sympathy. I struggle internally whether to share some of these intimate hard details of my life and the complications that come with my disability. I hate the word disabled for the record. A lot. I mentioned earlier that I was going to be honest and soiling myself is something that happened. I dealt with it and moved on. I know I harp on this let things go and that is for a reason. It works. I truly hope that my openness will help at least one person say “I’m done too. I’m not dragging the BS I can’t control around with me anymore.”

Here is what I concentrate on. I made it to my meeting, the cinnamon rolls turned out amazing and people liked them very much. Everyone is on a diet, but the people brave enough to try a 6,000 calorie roll were very happy. I sold some products today making some money, I have a gorgeous awesome dog I’m about to take for a very long walk, and I’m alive.

My problems aren’t bigger than yours or more important. They are mine and I choose to deal with them by not letting it screw my life/day up. So whatever it is let it go. Right now. Never look back at it.

I appreciate you all and please be kind to one another. You never know how problematic someone’s life is. Oh and when in doubt or down please go watch a Chris Farley video.

FknBucky

24
Feb
21

Falling down

I wasn’t planning to write this AM, but I want to get this out while still very fresh. You can see in the picture that I’m a crappy housekeeper. I just leave my mess until the clean house fairy shows up usually dressed like a family member or Vern & Lori. Love those fairies. Okay not true well not all the way true anyway. Nope I got up this AM just like you ready to tackle the day and get started. I usually check work emails first thing to make sure there is nothing being held up by me. The medical equipment can be life or death in a sense and almost always needed sooner not later. Easy enough right. First of all I reached down to the floor to get my charger cable which caused a large spasm in my leg kicking the table spilling my just opened Red Bull all over everything on the table. Awesome. Love that.

After cleaning that up I get back to email land. My body needing attention this AM decides it can do better. One ginormous spasm to make sure the job gets done. I could not fall backwards because of the card table so somehow I spasmed sideways taking the table, chair, and everything with me. The picture today is the carnage that was left behind. The concrete floors are awesome for rolling on, but suck for traction when trying to plant my feet and lift my fat Ass up into my chair. You can’t imagine the flood of emotions when this crap happens. Anger is a given, but the shame and sadness are the hurtful ones. I made a mistake 19 years ago getting on that motorcycle and I pay for it every single moment of every single day of my life. I don’t believe the punishment fits the crime.

Laying down on the ground with no help coming is a situation I would rather avoid. These spasms are just pricks. To make things more fun I’m completely naked as I take a shower after checking morning emails. Laying on the floor I simply think “this isn’t fair”, I’m a happy positive thinker so why does this happen to me?? Who knows. My ankles are vulnerable and I have to be extremely careful how I drag myself around to get back into the chair. Years of scrapping the skin off of them has left the skin weak and easily damaged when things like this happen. I really dislike laying on the floor with zero good options to get back into my chair.

I had to use my brain and Macgyver the crap out of my world to get back on track. I used the package to get a few inches off the floor allowing my legs to stay in the right position enabling me to set up the next lift. Look closely you can see my but imprint on the box. After trying several times I finally made it. No step was easy though. It was very hard and by the time I got back into my chair I was beyond angry. I don’t know the name of the emotion that was running thru my body at that time. I will tell you though, this is the worst way to start a day. I would much rather crawl into bed and redo life tomorrow. That is not an option though.

I don’t share this story for sympathy. I don’t need it, if I wanted sympathy there are many people at the ready to give it to me. Helps nothing so I prefer to not go down that road. I share this so that you might be able to say “wow waking up without enough milk for my cereal is not that big a deal.” When you see me later smiling and telling jokes remember there is no point in crying to you or anyone about my morning fall. It just makes me look weak and I don’t like looking or sounding weak. I tell you this simply because it happened. This is real life and I want to be as honest as possible in what I share in my writing.

I got thru it today and I will get thru it tomorrow. Want to know why I get thru it?? Because I’m a badass. Not really. It is because of you. All of you. My friends and my family. I love, truly fucking love having those moments when we can’t stop laughing. I love the moments when I see life and hope return to a person I help while mentoring/volunteering. I can actually see hope enter a persons body and I promise you there is nothing more powerful or fulfilling than that. I love watching my nieces and nephews grow up into young adults and remember their little faces when Uncle Bucky was coming thru the front door. Now their faces are big, but they still light up when I come around. I love beautiful women of all shapes, sizes, colors, and they used to love me when I was young and good looking, but now I’m old and fat so I admire from afar. Still admire though. I love to travel and try new things any chance I get.

If was to spend anymore time crying about that fall today after I got back up in the chair and the ordeal was over I would have been wasting precious time. I did tell a couple people close to me as venting is something I have to do but other than that I let that BS go. See you later. Why in the F word would I want to carry that brick of anger around with me for the rest of the day, the rest of the week or even the rest of the year. It would accomplish absolutely nothing except hold me back from living my best life. Yeah it sucks, yeah it happened, but that is over now. Move on.

I wasn’t going to share this story. I talked myself out of it this afternoon, but getting ready for bed I realized it is exactly what I mean when I say you must not waste time. How many of my days I have left in my life was I going to commit to this accident??? I voted zero so that is what it got. Don’t feel sorry for me unless you’re female and insist on giving me a lap dance to cheer me up. I will be as sad as you want me… haha. Relax bra burners. I respect women and don’t think they are only here for lap dances. Someone has to make me a sandwich cause lap dances make me hungry. My sense of humor will never leave me. Don’t let others steal your laughter.

Be kind to others, when you fall down (literally and figuratively) get the F back up, and let it go immediately. With no poor me baggage you are free to run to the next happy time. Run fast and take others with you.

FknBucky

29
Jan
21

Pull your pants up

Okay it isn’t morning anymore, but I went back and forth on publishing this. I question how much I want to share about my personal shit, but in the end if I can help one person say “You know I could do better..” then it is completely worth it.

Friday morning. I’ve been up for a few hours already as my leg spasms have been brutal lately. They will literally kick nonstop until I get up. Worst alarm clock ever. The smile you see me with takes work. It is easy to be in a pissy mood or upset at things that are not perfect in life. It isn’t like I wake up, put my happy to be paralyzed pants on, and come out into the world to be an inspiration to you. Nope that is not how it works.

Usually my legs start kicking around 4 am. This followed by me rolling over 20 times praying I’ll find the perfect position to let me sleep another couple hours. It has been 18 years and that position is still a mystery to me, but I’m no quitter and still try every morning. Once I get angry enough I usually curse my legs, the bed, air, Obama, Trump, and anything else I can think of until I focus on Annabel. Then I have to use my nice voice or she thinks she is in trouble. Next time I train a dog I’m going to make yelling angry Bucky my normal voice and she will be in trouble when I start talking like a pansy.

I usually spend 10-15 minutes trying to get my pants on first thing in the day. My spasms make it extremely difficult as they fight me every inch. Annie also thinks my pants are the greatest tug of war partner ever. I mean my legs kick at her while she is fighting my pants so she is like game on!! It is funny cause I tell her no every time, but she always be back again. I guess she is no quitter either. My morning spasms are so strong that I have to back up next to a wall, my bed, or anything while putting pants on because they will spasm violently causing me to fall over backwards. This has happened more times than I can count. When I go over backwards I know my head is going to hit hard and then right after my paralyzed leg/knee comes down also hitting me square in the nose which freaking hurts. This creates next level anger and cursing. A kid once asked me how many swear words Murphy knew. I answered all of them.

I have my moment laying on the floor, then i figure out a plan to get back into my chair, and get it done. I don’t share this for sympathy or for anyone to say “oh poor Bucky” because that is not needed. I share for two reasons with the first being getting things out of my head. Once I tell someone or put it down on paper I can forget about whatever it is that has my panties all twisted up. The other reason is it is good for everyone to be reminded that your “stuff” is not all that bad. Whatever you have going on it can always be a 1,000 times worse. So enjoy your Friday. Enjoy your weekend. Most of all enjoy your life.

It is always a choice on how you approach the day. How you interact with other people is a choice which you get to make every single day. If you have been a negative asshole (You know who you are) your entire life the best thing is you can change TODAY. Boom just like that. Good things come to those that expect them. I’m not going to let something as trivial as putting my pants on ruin my day. That would be be stupid. How does that conversation go??

Person: “How you doing Bucky?”

Me: “Worst day ever. I had a hard time putting my pants on. My life sucks.”

Person: “Ahh okay. Well I got to go. Hope you get better.” Walks away muttering “Fucking weirdo.”

Just doing that there makes me able to see things for what they really are. Stupid little things that need to be forgotten the moment it is over. Not dragging that shit around with me all day. If you read the blog about anger you will get this reference. I take that anger brick about pants and I throw that bitch back. I’m blessed in the fact I have pants. I have a ton of them. High quality pants. I grew up poor on the farm with only 2 pairs of pants. Good pants for church and barn pants that were covered in shit all the time.

I am not willing to give up the good things I have in life because putting pants on is hard. It most likely isn’t pants in your life, but there is something that gets you daily. Choose to let it go instantly. Don’t let it grow roots or start attaching itself long term. Identify whatever that shit is and say okay that happened, but I’m moving on with a smile. Take this exact moment to do a random act of kindness for a stranger. You will forget about all the trivial shit in a heartbeat.

Do kind things. Always. Life will be instantly better.

FknBucky

21
Feb
20

Parking Madness

FF564D62-FA7E-4BFD-98EA-B8E3602E318DLet’s get right into it. I will never understand the individuals that believe it is okay to park in a handicap parking spot.  I see it every single day.  Charlotte, NC is actually one of the worst places I’ve experienced for this problem.  If you can walk be proud of that shit and walk an extra few feet leaving the close up parking for people that might actually need it.  I tell people if I get my legs back I’ll skip everywhere I go.  Heck, I’ll park two blocks away in the rain just to skip a little further.  Plus no one get abducted while skipping.  It is a safety thing.  Okay back on subject here.  Jessica Alba is so damn hot, wait what was I doing, oh yeah parking….  Seriously what is wrong with your head that you don’t get that parking in a blue man spot, in between them, or in any way screwing them up for people that need them is a crappy thing to do???

281B8AAD-825E-4A8A-9CE4-330CB20742A0I saw this truck today while walking a friends dog.  This might be the dumbest thing I’ve seen since the last time I saw someone parked like this.  Like I said it happens way to much.  I don’t personally care about parking close to the building that I’m trying to go in. I just need the extra space so that I can open my car door the whole way.  When I park in a regular spot someone parks too close to me and I can’t get in my own vehicle.  This means I have to ask a random stranger to back my van out.  I don’t like having random people driving my car ever, as I think all other drivers suck.  My bad I meant to say I KNOW they all suck.

This part is my favorite.  What do you think it is??  Oh yeah the apology.  Which is complete bullshit.  You had the ignorance to park there, might as well own it. Come out and say “Stupid cripples should just stay home” or maybe “Old people are a nuisance and walk too slow, screw them”.  To simply throw “I’m sorry” out when you get caught doesn’t mean a thing.  You’re not sorry you did something awful, you’re just sorry you got caught.  You’ll do it again and again because you simply don’t give a shit.  Don’t act like you do care because if you did, you’d NEVER park in those spots.  It is that simple.

BA6F7B30-ED81-475C-ABD9-AA6591F02B3AMy friends in Charlotte learned how much this happens in the last year.  I would mention to them about the parking lot of a particular establishment we would meet up for prayer meetings.  Yes that is my story, moving on.  After a while they would start to look at the blue man spots to see if they were open or had cars in them that should not be there.  Now they were getting angry.  I have to let it go right after I see it or I’ll be pissed off all the time.  They had to learn this as well.  This problem happens every single day.  Maybe it is because I’m out so often and have more chances to see assholes parked illegally or maybe it is really that problematic.  If I let a parking issue ruin my day I would have A LOT of ruined days and per the last blog I’m not willing to give these idiots one of my days.

In life we all have to decide what kind of person we want to be.  This is not difficult.  It is as simple as parking in a handicap spot or not.  If you park illegally in a handicap spot you are choosing to be a shitty person. Enjoy that.

Think about it.

FknBucky




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