FknBucky

My physical scar is much smaller than the emotional ones I carry with me.

The only difference is now I sit down to smile.

I wrote this blog 9 years ago.  It is just as relevant today as it was then.  I’ve been paralyzed now for 19 years.  It is hard, life is hard, and for one stupid decision I have a lifetime sentence.  There is no parole, just more days guaranteed to be filled with pain, filled with depression, and filled with regrets.  I make a conscious decision every day to not allow myself to go down this pain, depression, and regret highway.  I don’t always succeed in stopping myself from spending time on this very lonely road which is never healthy, but it is always there begging me to come take the drive.  It will let me go as fast as I want, no morons camping out in the left passing lane, and a plethora of other whiners waiting for me to start the ”Poor Me” conversation.

I could have easily died that day.  Kind of a miracle I didn’t.  Many of you wouldn’t have gotten to know me.  So please read below.  Take a moment to put yourself in my shoes.  Please share it if you think others might benefit from reading this message.

April 1st 2002.  I was paralyzed in a motorcycle accident at 1:32 PM riding home from snowboarding at Copper Mountain.  I should not have been on a motorcycle that day, but I did it anyway.  My inner voice that I usually listen to was drowned out by my ego and irresponsibility.  I accept the outcomes of the choices I make because I’m an adult, a man, and a person that believes it is the only option.  Those that spend their days finding ways to blame others for their problems are only wasting time.

I was in the median of the freeway and I saw the oncoming traffic and thought to myself “this is how I am going to die.”  I accepted it and was strangely not afraid.  I have never really had a fear of being dead, but I don’t want to die early, I just accept what happens.  Then I was in the air.  Flying & flipping head over heels.  I was told later by a witness I did three full flips, but obviously I didn’t stick the landing.  My head hit first and I broke the helmet that was saving my life.  I believe the helmet pushed into my spine and smashed it.

I was awake the entire time and remember every detail.  It was the hardest moment of my life to date.  I knew I was paralyzed and I was scared.  My feet and legs were point up, but my chest & head were twisted around.  I had to take my arm and push against the ground to make my body look “normal” again.  That was scary as well.  A man from Africa got to me first.  He didn’t speak English, but just looked at me.  He tried to take my helmet off, but I told him not to with hand gestures.  A woman ran up to me and held my hand, while her husband parked the car.  While he was running over to me I could hear him say “Is he breathing.”

Then another woman showed up and held my other hand and proceeded to tell me that “she loved me”.  This is when I started to think I was dying.  That is what you say to people that are dying, and it started to freak me out.  The first woman saw this and told her to stop, but the 2nd woman argued back that I needed to hear it.  I was laying in the median of a freeway freshly paralyzed and still had women fighting over me.  It is the cross I bear…

An ambulance came and took me to a hospital.  What happened in that hospital was the scariest, hardest, and worst hour I can think of.  The questions and answers are something I wish I could forget.  You don’t need to know those details.  I was then taken by a helicopter to Denver where I was in critical condition for a few days. I told the lady on the helicopter to give me some serious drugs because I didn’t want to be there right then.  I said “I’ll deal with the rest of this tomorrow.”  She did.

Every time someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, this is what runs through my mind.  Still think it isn’t rude to ask somebody that question.  I get asked by complete strangers multiple times in a day sometimes.  Make sure your kids know better.  It was ten years ago and my life has changed substantially.  My views of the world, the government, and the way I represent myself.  Being in the hospital was like attending my own funeral.  People came from everywhere just to stand in that room to say nothing while saying everything.  They came to stand there and say “I care about you Bucky”.  This saved my life and ensured I would do everything I could to stay ME.

Doctors and nurses tried to trick me into taking antidepressants daily.  I would get a little cup full of pills, but I would ask everyday what each one is.  They would tell me not to worry about it, those were all good for me.  I refused to take any until I knew what they were.  After a week my sister told them to knock it off because I was getting pissed.  I was supposed to be depressed, I had just been fucking paralyzed.  It is natural.  Somehow I still found time to smile in that hospital bed, and even tell jokes to ease the tension of everyone.

Life is a journey and sometimes it is fucking really hard.  I don’t know what problems you have and personally I don’t care.  I will care if you ask me too, but way I see it, until you do it isn’t my business.  What I do know is that we all have problems no matter what race, religion, tax bracket, gender, age, or whatever other category you want to use to separate people.  That is what we all are, just one plain label.  People.

I’m not sure how I want to close this one.  I’ll just leave you with this.  I have overcome this and I’m a productive member of society.  The man I have become is because I faced my problems and solved them on my own. Those challenges took a cocaine abusing, drunken, womanizing, snowboarder into a drunken womanizing guy in a wheelchair.  I am proud of the man I am today, and who knows what I would be doing if it weren’t for those hardships.

As a community, country, and world we need to teach people that facing and solving your problems will make you a better person.  It will make you a stronger person and teach you things that you never even knew existed.

Be kind to others.  Don’t worry about the car that cut you off, the rude comments made online, or the outrage the 24/7 news channel is telling you to have.  Just be kind to everyone.  Not just the people that think like you do.

Fknbucky