FknBucky

What to enlighten you with today I ask myself.  My lunch hour upon me and thoughts running throughout my head about this and about that.  I have one thought that is stuck in there deep and it won’t go away.  Surprisingly it isn’t healthcare, our government, or the fact that no cares about the future of our country because it isn’t fun to think about.  No it isn’t any of those.  It isn’t about naked chicks, semi naked chicks or even girls with sexy power suits on which I really like by the way.  Something about a woman that is, alright so I have two reoccurring thoughts in my head today. 

Life is funny on the way it takes you from one journey to the next, sometimes gently or sometimes gives you a shove.  When needed it will kick you in the nuts, slam your face into the ground, and then piss on your while you try to catch your breath.  The last one isn’t my favorite, myself personally, I like a slight nudge, but in the end most of us won’t listen until our hair is wet from the piss of life. 

Most of you know my story and if not then I’ll tell you another day.  The complete background isn’t important at this time, but in short I was paralyzed 8 years ago.   I haven’t walked in eight years, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t smiled in those 8 years, in fact it has been quite the opposite.  Somehow I’ve managed to have a  kick ass 8 years although I’m paralyzed from the chest down.  In short it has been a blessing in disguise because of the wisdom and changes it has brought about in my life, but some of you can’t understand because you focus on things that aren’t important.

The reason I bring this up is because some really smart people from Harvard told me Thursday that they figured out how to fix me.  It isn’t finished yet and they have a few years of testing to go through, but they truly believe they got the answer on how to fix a spinal cord with my type of injury.  I saw slides on a computer of how they did it on a lab mouse, and the simplified explanation of how they can administer it to me.  Pretty exciting and goes with what I’ve always thought.  Someday I will walk again no matter how long it takes or what I have to go through to get there.  Anyone that doubts that doesn’t know me.

Hearing this news is exciting but it made me think as well.  Something I do often now that I don’t pollute my brain with drugs and alcohol every chance I get.  Now I only pollute it every other chance I get.  Baby steps.  What is there to think about you might ask?  Have surgery or take drug, get better, walk around smiling like I just had sex with three playmates at the same time and have the video tape to prove it.  Tough visual for some of you and that is why I did it.  I’m still a crazy asshole.

The thinking is “Does this mean I’m instantly happy about everything?”  If after months or possibly years of work I would be able to walk;  am I magically changed to never have a bad day again.  Sounds pretty absurd to be honest and then I thought what about if I spent an hour in super machine and came out with my body completely perfect again, or how it was before I wrecked a bike at 60+ miles per hour. 

There has only been one perfect being and her name is Jessica Alba, and as great as she is, I’d feel a bit silly if I looked like her all of a sudden.  Although I would find myself locked in a room alone for a few days getting to know myself once again.  Wow, really lost track there.  What the hell was I talking about?  Oh yeah anyone have Jessica Alba’s home address? 

So this is the way my crazy brain works.  If I could have my body back to the way it was, and “my problems solved”, then what would I have left to complain, worry, or be sad about?  The answer is plenty of things.  Which also works backwards.  Just because I can’t feel my legs, I’m not running around naked, or I don’t look like Jessica Alba, what do I have to be happy about.  Same answer genius, plenty of things.  We all do.

I’ve met hundreds of people before I was in a chair and hundreds of people after I was paralyzed.  I have a gift of knowing everyone in a room in a short amount of time and I’m not sure where it came from, but I am sure I have it.  Maybe I’m overcompensating because my penis is so incredibly huge that I feel like, ok thats not true either.  Just thought if Jessica read this maybe I should bait her a bit.  Yes I’m a selfish prick, you think this has something to do with you? 

So I can be happy or sad with my legs working and I can be happy or sad without my legs working.  Kind of leaves it up to me huh?  Kind of leaves everything up to me.  I would hate the world to expect me to be sad just because I have a disability, but I would also hate if the world expected me to be happy just because the disability went away.  This is some deep shit, and if you don’t get it by now, you really are a complete fucking moron.  How did you get on my friends list?

Every minute of every day there is a commercial about some drug that will solve your depression, fix what’s wrong with you, or make your life better.  The only way you will have a happy life is to realize there is nothing wrong with it.  You can’t fix what isn’t broken.  You are meant to be you, and when you wake up knowing that, everything else is perfect.  I don’t question every little aspect of life anymore, and somehow I understand parts of it a little more every single day. 

My brain and way of thinking are this way after years of binge drinking, massive drug use, and trying to fit in which never worked anyway.  Somehow the harder I tried to fit in the more I stood out.  I don’t even really know what the point of this blog is.  I just know that I found it extremely intriguing, I have a real opportunity to make my legs work again, but in reality it wouldn’t change anything except how tall I am.  What if you grew two feet over night?  Would you see the world differently or just see the world differently?  That last sentence takes some thought so read it again. 

Fknbucky